Getting the Sach.

Last week, professional medium shot and aspiring big shot Greg Smith decided to quit his job. He did this trashing his bosses and their company on the New York Times' editorial page. This is less antagonistic than burning the building down, but only just.

There's this idea that Smith is some kind of hero for taking a principled stand against the culture of corruption on Wall street and for valuing his integrity over the dumptruck full of cash that his evil overlords were paying him to sit on paperwork every day for twelve years. And, yes, I suppose he does deserve some recognition for eventually deciding that taking the economy by the neck and throttling it like a Christmas goose might not be the best way to spend your time on this earth. Eventually.

It's not that I hold Smith's time at Goldman Sachs against him now that it's over, it's just that I can't quite shake the feeling that, even with his "Take this job and shove it," attitude, he's still giving us an unduly rosy picture of the way things work behind the curtain. But you don't have to take my word for it, let's hand things off to Mr. Smith:

"Thank you."

***

Plain = Smith

Bold = Me

TODAY is my last day at Goldman Sachs.

Oddly, this narrowly beats out "Today is the first day of the rest of your life," in tshirt sales.

After almost 12 years at the firm — first as a summer intern while at Stanford, then in New York for 10 years, and now in London — I believe I have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its identity. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive as I have ever seen it.

Note that the wording here indicates a nominal level of destructive toxicity that has now been exceeded.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, the interests of the client continue to be sidelined in the way the firm operates and thinks about making money. Goldman Sachs is one of the world’s largest and most important investment banks and it is too integral to global finance to continue to act this way. The firm has veered so far from the place I joined right out of college that I can no longer in good conscience say that I identify with what it stands for.

This is the same speech I gave when I cancelled my membership at the video store.

It might sound surprising to a skeptical public, but culture was always a vital part of Goldman Sachs’s success.

I think you misspelled "blackmail."

For more than a decade I recruited and mentored candidates through our grueling interview process. I was selected as one of 10 people (out of a firm of more than 30,000) to appear on our recruiting video, which is played on every college campus we visit around the world. In 2006 I managed the summer intern program in sales and trading in New York for the 80 college students who made the cut, out of the thousands who applied.

A couple more years of this and Invisible Children was liable to make a video about him.

When the history books are written about Goldman Sachs, they may reflect that the current chief executive officer, Lloyd C. Blankfein, and the president, Gary D. Cohn, lost hold of the firm’s culture on their watch. I truly believe that this decline in the firm’s moral fiber represents the single most serious threat to its long-run survival.

Well, that and the fact that Bud Fox was wearing a wire in the park.

Over the course of my career I have had the privilege of advising two of the largest hedge funds on the planet, five of the largest asset managers in the United States, and three of the most prominent sovereign wealth funds in the Middle East and Asia. My clients have a total asset base of more than a trillion dollars.

Question: How hard is it to get the smell of assholes off of yourself?

If you want to be liked, you should probably take this image off your business cards.

How did we get here? The firm changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be about ideas, setting an example and doing the right thing. Today, if you make enough money for the firm (and are not currently an ax murderer) you will be promoted into a position of influence.

That ax murderer policy seems a little unfair. Who's to say ax murderers can't be successful executives? Let's call in Patrick Bateman, see what he thinks.

What are three quick ways to become a leader? A) Execute on the firm’s “axes,” which is Goldman-speak for persuading your clients to invest in the stocks or other products that we are trying to get rid of because they are not seen as having a lot of potential profit.

When he said "execute" I really thought the end of the sentence was going to be "your immediate supervisor."

B) “Hunt Elephants.” In English: get your clients — some of whom are sophisticated, and some of whom aren’t — to trade whatever will bring the biggest profit to Goldman. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t like selling my clients a product that is wrong for them.

But you went to work on Wall street anyway. Gotta say, this feels like it's on you.

C) Find yourself sitting in a seat where your job is to trade any illiquid, opaque product with a three-letter acronym.

Tar?

Today, many of these leaders display a Goldman Sachs culture quotient of exactly zero percent. I attend derivatives sales meetings where not one single minute is spent asking questions about how we can help clients. It’s purely about how we can make the most possible money off of them. If you were an alien from Mars and sat in on one of these meetings, you would believe that a client’s success or progress was not part of the thought process at all.

Buddy, I'm a man from earth who has never sat in on one of these meetings, and I believe that even without being told.

Also, if I were an alien from Mars, I'd probably have other things on my mind, like "How the hell did I get here?" and "How can I possibly have existed on a planet whose atmosphere is almost entirely CO2?" You know, big picture stuff.

It makes me ill how callously people talk about ripping their clients off. Over the last 12 months I have seen five different managing directors refer to their own clients as “muppets,” sometimes over internal e-mail. Even after the S.E.C., Fabulous Fab, Abacus, God’s work, Carl Levin, Vampire Squids?

I'd like to nominate this as the greatest sentence ever composed by an MBA holder. Not even being sarcastic here, that was just awesome.

Pictured: The actual vampire squid that now has Greg Smith's old job.

I don’t know of any illegal behavior, but will people push the envelope and pitch lucrative and complicated products to clients even if they are not the simplest investments or the ones most directly aligned with the client’s goals? Absolutely. Every day, in fact.

Let me translate: "I don't know of any illegal behavior, just standard practices that would be illegal if our lobbyists didn't give incredible handjobs."

These days, the most common question I get from junior analysts about derivatives is, “How much money did we make off the client?” It bothers me every time I hear it, because it is a clear reflection of what they are observing from their leaders about the way they should behave. Now project 10 years into the future: You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that the junior analyst sitting quietly in the corner of the room hearing about “muppets,” “ripping eyeballs out” and “getting paid” doesn’t exactly turn into a model citizen.

This process seems needlessly complex; isn't there any way to get rid of the Muppets and get paid just for eyeball ripping?

When I was a first-year analyst I didn’t know where the bathroom was, or how to tie my shoelaces.

Wow, Standford's reputation must be incredibly inflated.

My proudest moments in life — getting a full scholarship to go from South Africa to Stanford University, being selected as a Rhodes Scholar national finalist, winning a bronze medal for table tennis at the Maccabiah Games in Israel, known as the Jewish Olympics — have all come through hard work, with no shortcuts. Goldman Sachs today has become too much about shortcuts and not enough about achievement. It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore.

I'm sorry, go back for a second; table tennis? At the "Jewish Olympics"?

...don't get me wrong, it's impressive. I mean, I couldn't do it. But, well, it ain't Rhodes Scholar, if you catch my drift.

I hope this can be a wake-up call to the board of directors. Make the client the focal point of your business again. Without clients you will not make money. In fact, you will not exist.

No sooner did this see print than a huge wing of most major financial institutions went to work solving the pesky problem of needing clients.

***

So what's my problem with Smith? Seems like a stand-up guy doing the stand-up thing. And to a degree, he is...but it's an underwhelming standard. I mean, when did this guy start at Goldman Sachs, 2000? Was the 2000 Goldman Sachs some kind of Candy Land of integrity and moral fiber? Really? Saying you quit Goldman Sachs after twelve years because you finally realized they were motivated by greed is like saying you finally quit the Klan because it dawned on you they were a little unfair to black people.

"All I'm saying is, things are starting to feel a teeny bit totalitarian around here. I mean, I can't be the only one feeling this way, am I right?"

You'll notice he doesn't tell us exactly when everything went to shit either, it's just "these days", in contrast with the halcyon days of yore. It also seems telling that, according to Smith, Goldman has lost its way only because of disdain for its clients, not because it's, ya know, a virulent plague on the entire world's financial system, a flesh-eating devil fish that strips everything it touches down to the marrow and converts it into toxic poo that contaminates entire swaths of ocean. Evidently it's fine with Smith if Goldman acts like the economic hantavirus that it's always been, if only they would go back to being nice to the customers while they do it.

Economic problems aren't institutional, according to Smith, it's just a question of atmosphere. As soon as America's most influential assholes remember that it's better if they all get together and fleece the world as a team rather than at each others' expense, everything will be just fine and dandy again. This is what happens when the 1% try to relate to how the rest of us feel about them. I can't help but feel like I'm watching Thurston Howell III try to have an awkward male bonding moment with Gilligan. I mean, okay, yes, he quit, and then he had the chutzpah to talk about it. I like that, honestly. Just don't pat him on the back too hard; he might break something.

Conspiracy Weary: David Icke.

Now, this guy is my absolute favorite.

At first it seems like the standard line: Secret society that rules the world, New World Order controls all government and media, "global elites" silence everything except, mysteriously, the author, this is all so well-trod as to be tiresome.

So what makes British conspiracy Messiah (a term I'm dead certain he self-applies) David Icke special? Well, it's not just that he thinks that a shadow cabal secretly rules the world, it's the, let's call it, precise nature of this supposed organization's members. In short, David Icke (pronounced "Ike", like Ike Eisenhower, but I have fun calling him "Ick") believes, apparently in complete earnestness, that the world is secretly ruled by lizard people.

Yes, lizard people.

To be more exact, they are a shapeshifting race of part-reptilian, part-humanoid creatures who came from "the Draco constellation" to oppress humankind. Although if we want to be perfectly accurate (sic, of course...), technically they're a hybrid race bred from reptile monsters and blond-haired, blue-eyed "Nordic" aliens. These "Aryan" repto-nordics (yeah, doesn't take long for this shit to get downright uncomfortable, does it?) are our secret shapeshifting masters. Apparently they drink blood, but also feed off of negative emotions, which of course is why they work so hard to make the world as miserable a place to live in as possible.

Ever been to the Denver international airport? I'm told it's a hole. Icke insists that it was designed this way on purpose to inspire precious misery for our reptile masters to feed on, as well as to serve as a "cathedral" for their Lovecraftian religion. Naturally this is all done psychically. This is explained in Icke's book, entitled (wait for it): "The Biggest Secret: The Book That Will Change the World!" Yes, he really called it that. You're probably starting to see why I love this guy.

Just who is a lizard person, according to Icke? Well, the British royal family, for starters, he REALLY has it in for them. Also, the Bush family, the Clintons, evidently most of the Israeli government, the Vatican, and yes, the Obamas. In fact, every US president ever was a lizard person (including Eisenhower. Icke doesn't like Ike). Also, Kris Kristofferson. Yes, Kris Kristofferson, for some reason. Actually, in fairness, that claim comes from Icke's fellow conspiracy nut Cathy O'Brien, who claims she was sold to Kristofferson (who she describes in her own book as a "Vatican based Project Monarch slave runner") for sexual slavery. I just like to include him because, well, it really rounds out the list, am I right?

Of course, they're not JUST alien lizard people. They're also Satanists, child molesters, drug lords, Nazis, and whatever else Icke thinks is scary. It seems all stripes of bad people are coterminous with the reptilian agenda. He is oddly inconsistent on some of these points; for example, I was just reading an illuminating (sic) piece on his website illustrating that the elder President Bush is a child molesting Satanist (I'm not going to lie, some of his material is rather attractive...). This piece leaves out the thing about him also being a psychic lizardman from the Draco bloodline, though. Rather a startling omission really, what if there are a few people who still don't know?

"Read the place where my lips would be!"

I really should give you some of Icke's stuff in his own words. Thing of it is, he's so fruit loops that it's hard to make fun of in my usual fashion. I mean, what can you come up with as a witty rejoinder to:

"I strongly believe that a small Jewish clique which has contempt for the mass of Jewish people worked with non-Jews to create the First World War, the Russian Revolution, and the Second World War. This Jewish/non-Jewish Elite used the First World War to secure the Jewish State of Israel. They financed Hitler to power in 1933 and made the funds available for his rearmament."

...see, where am I supposed to go with that? Or with this:

"The members of this Elite are either direct incarnations of the fourth-dimensional Prison Warders or have their minds controlled by them. The aim of the Brotherhood and its interdimensional controllers has been to centralize power in the hands of the few. What is happening today is the culmination of the manipulation which has been unfolding for thousands of years."

Funny? Sure. But not "Ha Ha" funny, if you get me.

There is some question about whether Icke is serious about all of this. Some propose that his lizard man conspiracy is just an elaborate metaphor or psychodrama. Others suppose he's just a charlatan making money off of people who need serious medication. And make no mistake, exposing lizard people is good money; Icke has written seventeen books and is apparently doing quite well for himself. Curiously, his volumes are invariably lost or stolen at every branch of the local library, suggesting either rabid zeal on the part of his fans or dogged persistence on the part of his enemies. I suppose only Icke himself knows for sure which is which.

And of course, it goes without saying that Icke's fans are even more absurdly, graphically insane than he is. Icke is both a poor writer and a walking, talking advertisement for the utility of Thorazine (which is probably full of mind control chemicals), but for all that he at least comes off as a soft-spoken, somewhat intelligent, even charming man when interviewed. His message board, on the other hand, is full of logic-eating hell trolls who spend hours analyzing clips of the BBC and Fox News second by second to catch instances of involuntary "shapeshifting" from correspondents. There's also an entire thread posting pictures of various First Ladies to debate which of them has the "least convincing" human disguise. It's downright rude, really.

I'm not saying I don't see it, I'm saying shut your trap.

Of course, by poking fun at Icke, I'm actually validating his world view, at least as far as he's concerned. As he so delicately put it 13 years ago:

"It's funny that since I began writing and speaking about reptilian bloodlines running the world, which, according to the mainstream and many conspiracy 'researchers', is apparently ridiculous, you would have expected the opposition to my work to subside.... BUT HOW FUNNY! THE OPPOSITE HAS HAPPENED. SINCE I BEGAN TALKING ABOUT THE REPTILIAN CONNECTION, THE OPPOSITION HAS BEEN INCREASED SUBSTANTIALLY. WHY? IF I AND THE ENDLESS PEOPLE ANCIENT AND MODERN WHO HAVE SEEN THE SHAPE-SHIFTERS ARE SO MISGUIDED, WHY HAS THE OPPOSITION INCREASED SO MUCH SINCE THE BIGGEST SECRET WAS PUBLISHED AND NOT THE OPPOSITE?"

Why indeed?

Conspiracy Weary: Henry Makow.

Conspiracy nuts are, of course, terrifying people, but also hilarious people. The internet was a Godsend for these folks, as in generations past most of them were able to disseminate their views only via bathroom graffiti and whatever they managed to shriek at you while squeegeeing your windshield at the intersection.

Henry Makow, for example, is a Canadian conspiracy nut and part-time board game inventor (not a joke). His gimmick isn't that inventive; he insists that the New World Order are working their asses off to depopulate the earth. Makow's insanity stands out in HOW he claims the NWO are doing this, though: by turning us all gay or just convincing us to sleep around without ever settling down.

Makow has appointed himself a kind of Cockblocker General of the entire world, utilizing his blog and various books to quietly explain to young men (always men; Makow never has much to say to women beyond "Stay in the kitchen,") that every sperm is sacred. Just how weird of a dude is Henry Makow? Perhaps to answer this question we may look to his essay, "Why All Porn is Gay". I mean, really, now that we've read the title, how can we not?

***

Plain = Makow

Bold = Me

What kind of man is this: He is fastidious about his appearance, his home and his possessions. He wants as much sex as possible and chooses sexual partners mostly on the basis of appearance. He is self-absorbed and doesn't want emotional involvement or commitment. He thinks a woman would stifle him and children would be a burden.

Oh, wait, I know this one!

Does this sound like many gays?

Oh. Wow, I was WAY off...

It is also the masculine ideal purveyed by Playboy magazine to men since the 1950's. The "establishment" agenda is to destabilize and neuter us by encouraging homosexual behavior. This ensures we don't propagate since homosexuals have sex but don't have children.

Somehow or another we gayed ourselves up to about seven billion people last year. But I guess it takes a while for a plan like this to really get rolling, yeah?

A perceptive reader recently wrote me: "If heterosexual sex outside of marriage is acceptable, if we eliminate the procreative aspect from sex, are heterosexuals any different from homosexuals in regards to the sexual activity?"

Um, yes, quite different, actually. If you don't understand the concept, I've prepared some helpful diagrams. I warn you, they're a bit on the...anatomical side.

Throughout modern history Illuminati bankers have used "sexual liberation" to subvert society and establish their subtle tyranny. They realized that they couldn't take control until they destroyed the family. This was a main plank of the Communist Manifesto in 1848, along with the creation of a private central bank.

Okay, Makow is menacing us with a cabal of gay communist Freemasons. If he can just find some way to turn them into Nazi Muslims too he'll have the full hat trick.

The Illuminati used Hugh Hefner's "Playboy" to divorce sex from love, marriage and family. There is nothing so destructive to human society as the separation of sex and love. It reduces men to dogs, and women to fire hydrants.

Whoa! Okay, wow, that was so much more about what goes on in the Makow family bedroom than I ever, ever wanted to know. Ya know for a professional prude he's a little on the kinky side...

All pornography is gay. The porn consumer is engaged in a promiscuous masturbatory fantasy. Pornography is poisoning heterosexuality.

Wait, I can be promiscuous even when I'm masturbating? Like, even when I'm alone? What if I...what if I put a sheet over myself, does that negate the promiscuous gayness? Or what if I'm underwater, like, where no one can find me? Here, let me draw a diagram of how I do it and you tell me whether this counts or not.

I hate to burst the bubble on a billion dollar industry: Young naked women are practically identical. They have identical equipment. Boobs and bush. Symmetrical faces. Do men need to see literally thousands of examples?

So, Henry, how's the wife these days? Happy? Or is she still steamed over that name tag you make her wear? Like it's your fault they all look alike, right?

Marriage ensured that men would have to commit if they wanted sex. By undermining marriage, occult social engineers have turned a critical social and reproductive activity into a lifetime obsession, better to divert, degrade and control the masses.

I don't get it; he's making this sound like some kind of bad thing?

I don't know what people were complaining about. As far as I'm concerned, best PTA meeting EVER.

Together with feminist activists (who believe heterosexuality is inherently oppressive) gay activists began to dismantle all heterosexual institutions: masculinity, femininity, marriage, the nuclear family, the boy scouts, sports, and the military.

Well, now that he mentions it, I myself have never produced a child, joined the boy scouts, gone to a baseball game, or blown up anyone overseas. So he may very well have me there.

Backed by the financial elite, gay activists and their supporters now largely dictate our cultural sensibility. They are responsible for the puerile pornographic obsession that pervades television, music videos and the Internet. In 40 short years, almost all sexual constraints have dissolved and heterosexual society is reeling.

Yeah, I know, sweet deal, right? So what the hell are you complaining about? Maybe you're just working too hard. Have you visited with the fire hydrant today? I mean, the wife?