127 Hours, Minus 80, plus one.

So do you know how a 48 Hour Film Project works? It's a little like "The Running Man", except they disqualified the use of my Fireball suit (stupid fire marshall's code. If I had my Fireball suit I'd show him...).

There are a few rules: the entire movie must be written, shot, edited, and turned in within 48 hours. It must be no longer than seven minutes, plus one minute for credits, and there is a specific character, prop, and line of dialogue that must be included in each entry.

I had no idea what to expect from this, but I’d passed up the chance to work on the last 48 Hour that Viral Media Network and burntwire.tv entered back in February and then regretted it when I saw the finished movie, so this time around I was keen to horn in on the action.

The screening was last night at the Lumiere and it was extremely edifying hearing the audience reaction. Below is the whole thing, freshly uploaded to YouTube, and further down you can find my commentary on it, which I’m sure you were all just on the edge of your seats for, weren’t you?

***

0:05 - "Dark Comedy": A big part of the catch with 48 Hour is that your genre is assigned to you randomly. We were a little worried that we might end up drawing "Family Film" or something else that just isn't our style.

Needless to say, when we got the text saying "Dark Comedy" we felt like we'd won the frigging lottery. Although reading that sentence back makes me think that I, perhaps, have a narrow perspective on just what it would actually be like to win the lottery...

0:20 - The catchy but creepy score you hear through this entire thing comes courtesy of Frank Slodysko, and I really can't say enough about how much it adds to the production. At some point during the script-writing process, I remember someone saying how important the music would be to this movie, and at the time all I could think was: "Wow, he's right. Shit, I hope somebody's gonna get on that..."

0:24 - "burntwire.tv": The name of the videocast from our producer and co-producer, siblings Marie and Jose Hernandez. Or, as one of our actors referred to them, "the Hernandi."

0:31 - "Viral Media Network": Principally Sam Jack and Colin Murray, without whom there would be no Variety Society (a couple of my acquaintances are right now making snide remarks in that vein, so I'd like to take this opportunity to say fuck you guys).

0:28 - Every time I see that Gay Pride flag flapping in the background I remember the discussion about what the weather would be like for outdoor shooting that day. According to Jose, sunny days look good on camera and cloudy days make for good atmosphere, but a windy day just fucks everything up.

So during the screening I could not stop assessing the wind level during every single team's movie, and sure enough, he's right, wind really does just fuck up your scene, including one case where it blew away the script the lead actor was surreptitiously reading from.

0:53 - Justin Lane Lutter, of course, being the head writer on “The Variety Society”, which primarily just means he’s in charge of me. When I see this credit I can’t help but think about his proposed on-air supervillain character called the “Head Writer”, who knocks people out and writes messages on their foreheads.

Yeah, I know, but trust me, it'll be funny when he actually does it...

1:04 - This porch plus all of the exteriors for the murder scenes are Jose’s place.

Crazy thing about this building is that inside there is a video intercom, and when you push the button expecting to just get voice you may be startled by the image that pops up on the screen. Even more startled is the person on the porch, who likely does not know they are on camera. If I lived here, I'm certain I would find some way to abuse this gadget within a week.

The interiors are from Peter Samuels’ place across town, whose very large apartment is probably too nice for these characters to be living in, but it looked good and was spacious enough to shoot in easily, so fuck it.

1:12 - Here’s Alec Ditonto as Dan Sagan, the debt collector. Dan the Debt Collector was the assigned character that every team had to include. Alec might have thought I was laying it on thick when I kept praising him for this thirty second part, but I really was happy with how natural his delivery was compared to some of the eleven other Dan Sagan’s we saw at the screening.

For the record, we’re quite aware that debt collectors don’t usually show up in person to deliver a summons, but we had to think of some reason why he would be at the door instead of just calling like most collection agents do. So to review, we explained away something he wouldn’t do by having him do something else he wouldn’t do. Did I mention we only had 48 hours to get this done?

1:18 - And here’s Erik Braa, the Variety Society’s announcer. Really though, I’m doing him a disservice by referring to him just as that, because Erik is an incredibly talented voice actor who is probably really too good for our show. I encourage you to stop reading me right now and instead go to his site and listen to his demo, because it’s blisteringly funny. Really, it left blisters.

1:38 - Finally we have Sam Jack, executive producer on the Variety Society, and alter ego of the California Crusher. Last time we saw Sam he was wearing shorts and a California state flag as a cape, rolling around on our stage singing karaoke, and threatening to bleach his hair in front of the audience (which he then did). Some day the world will truly appreciate our art.

If you watch the movie again (hint hint), pay close attention to Sam’s various reactions, because some of them are just inspired. And we learn so much from Sam in this movie! For example: no matter how shocking the news you’re receiving is, it’s probably not necessary to get up off the couch over it. And for the love of God, don’t stop watching TV or eating cookies.

In short, don’t do anything crazy.

1:45 - Once we’d agreed on the story, the washing bloody hands in the sink image was the first thing that popped into my head. I’d like to say that I immediately thought of it as a good way to clue the audience in to what was going on as quickly and easily as possible, but in truth that just occurred to me right this second.

The “Serial Killer Roommate” idea was one of about fourteen or fifteen initial story pitches we came up with (some of which were so good I wish we had a chance to still do them). It went through so many variations and permutations that I honestly do not remember whose idea it originally was (although that’s a pretty good indicator that it wasn’t mine). It might be the least original or clever concept on the list, but also the one that most easily lent itself to dark comedy. Originality is overrated anyway (said the would-be screenwriter...).

2:00 - In the script, one of the explanations Erik gives for the bloody hands and sink is “a bird flew into the garbage disposal.” All I can say by way of an explanation is that it was very late when we were finishing this up.

2:47 - “Do you have any questions?” was the required line of dialogue that had to be included. See, this is why you can’t put me in charge of a thing like this, because I would have forced people to use “This octopus is too buttery!” or something like that. Cuz I’m a dick.

3:06 - Jose cameos as the cable guy, which is appropriate, since the “kill the cable guy to get free cable,” joke was his idea. And that’s one of the best examples I can cite of how a seemingly small contribution makes a big difference in a collaboration, because once the idea that the character kills people just as a convenient way to get things he wants was introduced here, it almost immediately became the entire story.

3:30 - Oh God, the dead Girl Scout. When certain people see this, I’m just never going to hear the end of it.

Why a Girl Scout, you may ask? Well, here’s something I’ve learned about trying to make a movie or a TV show when you have absolutely no time or money: if you write a scene or a joke that revolves around a costume or prop that no one has at that moment, you can kiss that idea goodbye. But if someone actually has an unusual costume or prop on hand, it pretty much has to be used. To do otherwise would seem downright irresponsible.

So once we learned that someone had this Girl Scout costume leftover from Bay to Breakers, that clinched it, the Girl Scout was going in. At one point I even tried to object, but Justin overruled me with: “We already have the costume!” And I couldn’t gainsay that. It’s a solid argument.

That’s Melissa Davies playing the world’s tallest Girl Scout, by the by. Like Alec, I think she might have been skeptical of the praise I heaped on her miniscule role, but every time I see her peering into that window and then shouting “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!” like a Tourette's outburst, I crack up.

3:42 - You wouldn’t believe the huge laugh this scene got in the theater, so much so that it drowned out the next joke. It’s nice to know that other people are not, in fact, better than I am after all.

Justin pitched an ending where the not-quite dead Girl Scout climbs out of the planter and gets revenge on Erik. I honestly don’t know why we didn’t go with that, it would have been hilarious. But for some stupid reason I didn’t like it at the time, so I guess you’ve got me to blame.

4:00 - Chalk was the required prop, and we thought of the outline very early in the process (we weren’t even out of the car, in fact). Lots of other teams had the same idea.

Suggested but unused ideas for funny chalk outlines included a marching band, Civil War re-enactors, a ventriloquist and his dummy, a weightlifter, and a guy in a mascot costume. The last line about the Chinese New Year parade was supposed to match a chalk outline of five or six guys under the big dragon costume they use for that, but I suspect it was too hard to draw.

4:48 - Alec’s socks are not an intentional wardrobe choice, they just happened to be the socks he wore that day. Happy accident, as they also got a huge laugh at the screening.

If the camera had pulled back a bit more, you would see that Alec is being towed in an old toy wagon that matches the color of his socks. Believe it or not, that wagon was just lying around the yard, apparently belonging to a neighbor who has a large collection of toys for unspecified Burning Man-related purposes...

5:00 - So, I got in from the scripting session at about three in the morning. At five that same morning I got out of bed, booted up my computer, and sent an email pointing out an oversight we’d all made: earlier Erik says he wouldn’t kill Sam because “Who would pay the rent?” but then at the end of the movie he appears to be ready to do just that.

This bit with the rent check was added the day of shooting, I assume to fill in that hole. I just bring this up because I’d like it noted that although I am dimly aware that to some people that five AM fresh-out-of-bed-after-two-hours-of-sleep email might seem strange, in my private little world this is what passes for normal behavior.

5:05 - I literally never get tired of hearing Erik say “Wanna help me bury a body? It’s gonna be super fun!” It’s the little things that help you get by day to day.

5:27 - We spent hours trying to figure out how to end this thing. We were pretty sure someone had to die, but we couldn’t figure out who or how. Does Erik kill Sam? Does Sam kill Erik? Hardly anything else COULD happen, but both resolutions felt predictable.

This ambiguous ending was kind of a compromise, and I don’t think anyone was really happy with it, but once I saw it on screen I couldn’t imagine it ending any other way (except for Girl Scout revenge, perhaps), and the audience seemed to think it was hilarious. I credit Erik’s delivery and Frank’s score for selling it.

5:33 - There are 17 different people credited, which is a pretty good indicator of how much more work goes into even a very short movie than I or probably you ever considered.

Talking to Melissa after the screening, I discovered that a scene of her hand bursting out of the planter box had been shot as a joke. I really wish I’d been there for editing, because I would have insisted on including it as a stinger after the credits.

Summer Mockbusters: Green Lantern.

In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight-wait, the fuck, who writes this crap?

You know that power ring is supposed to translate millions of alien languages, and I gotta wonder, does the oath have a shitty AAAA rhyme scheme in all of them? Because that's an accomplishment, but not one you should be proud of.

Hell with it, we've got bigger fish to fry. This is "Green Lantern", and let it be said that I go in with a bias. I love Geoff Johns' Green Lantern series, and so like all true fans of any nerd-based property, I am deadset on hating any and all mainstream media adaptations, even though I have loudly requested them.

That's right, I am a naysayer. Nay I say, nay! Okay, buckle up, here we go...

Green Lantern

Directed by: The best friend Daniel Craig ever had.

Starring: The strangest assortment of large-headed creatures ever to appear in one film.

Basics:

Well, when Julius Schwartz joined DC Comics in the 50s he had the idea of reinventing a few old superhero books with a contemporary spin grounded in modern culture. So he got Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams to come up with a concept and then up until the early 1990s...

(Several hours pass)

...so anyway, that's why I think the white power battery is probably the only thing that can permanently destroy the Anti-Monitor.

Wait, what were we talking about?

The Good:

I hate Ryan Reynolds.

I mean, okay, fine, he was actually very good in "Buried", but that doesn't get him off the hook for, wait, what was it that he did that I hold against him? Oh yeah, EVERYTHING ELSE.

So as you can guess, I was not happy about this casting, at all. When I got the news, it was like the fourth highest thing on the list of shit that made me angry that day (I know that doesn't sound that bad, but it's a long list. I'm actually a really angry guy. I should probably get help. Especially since this red ring keeps floating around me and saying "RAGE!" all the time and trying to get me to put it on. That freaks me out).

But, as much as it pains me to admit it at this late hour, having seen the movie, I am forced to admit that he's...not that bad in it. There, there, I said it, are you happy? Are you happy now, universal power that reverses my predetermined expectations? Do you just loooove making me look like a jackass like this?

You know what, just kick me in the balls instead, okay, because that's less painful than admitting what I just said. So go on, just kick me squarely in the balls, and GET IT OVER WITH! Who's knocking on my door?

Dude, not now, I've got four different things to write tonight. By the way your, uh, cat looks sick back there. You should get him checked out. By a fire-proof vet.

Yes, Reynolds is perfectly fine in this. Not great, but he really does achieve something superhuman by somehow reciting the goofy Green Lantern oath and making it sound really cool. Twice. I cannot shit on the guy after that. I'd like to, but I can't.

Reynolds shares the screen with a cast of pretty good supporting actors, best of which is clearly Peter Sarsgaard, whose surprisingly creepy, graphic, David Cronenberg-laced transformation into something that looks like Jabba the Hutt's balls provides some of the better material in the movie (although considering that he starts off looking like a cross between Kelsey Grammar and John Holmes, it might be an improvement).

Oddly, the things that "Green Lantern" does best are the things that should be the hardest to translate to film. It has no problem effectively and convincingly communicating the idea that a planet of people with giant blue heads established an army of space cops and gave them all magic rings that can create anything you think of out of green light that's made out of your manifested willpower.

Totally works, didn't question it for a second. Kind of amazing, really, since that's a concept I never even completely bought as a comic.

It's really nice to see Abe Vigoda getting work again.

The Bad:

The Green Lantern was always kind of a B-string hero comic for most of its history. It was alright, but never that great, and it was hindered by some goofiness in its premise. Then six years ago Geoff Johns took over and turned the series into a bafflingly well-written space opera that, somehow, is one of the best mainstream American comics being written today.

I'm telling you all of this because it should be absolutely clear from the start: the people who wrote this movie weren't up to speed on any of that shit.

"Green Lantern" the movie feels like a GL story from 1991. And if this movie had come out in 1991, it would be pretty incredible. But, damn, we've had tons of superhero movies the last decade, in fact, we've had tons of superhero movies just in the last month and a half, and, like a high school freshman in a dick waving contest, this one just doesn't measure up (no, I'm not ashamed, and no, I don't care if you are).

It's not that it's bad exactly, it's just...flat. Uninventive. Pedestrian. Our hero can do anything and go anywhere, but he never really seems to want to. He can't figure out why he was chosen to be a hero, and honestly, most of the time neither can I. Couldn't we have gone with someone a little more outgoing and decisive like, I dunno, Hamlet?

Don't you hate it when you look into the dryer and realize you put your tiny Sarsgaard through the wash?

Bad computer-created effects are just a fact of life these days, like TV talking heads or herpes or the knowledge that we are all probably developing colon cancer even as we speak. You wish it wasn't so, but you just kinda deal with it.

So if I take the time to point out that the effects in a movie are bad, then they're REALLY bad. There's a helicopter crash in this movie that looks like the shark hologram from "Back to the Future Part 2". I've been pages of Green Lantern comics that look more convincing than this.

And take that silly-ass mask off!

The Ugly:

You know, I just don't look good in green. Not my color, never has been. Do you have a power ring in more of an onyx or a sable decor?

Whoa! Okay, forget I said anything.

Bottom Line:

"Green Lantern" is an underachiever, and somehow oddly unfinished. It succeeds at really difficult things but then fails at the simple stuff. And it feels dated, like a movie that was written for a different generation of summer action flicks, a time when were all more easily impressed.

I was going relatively easy on this movie at first, because it's not NEARLY as terrible as I thought it would be, and in fact the first half is a lot of fun. The ending was a letdown, but I was ready to give it a pass just for surmounting my low expectations. But as the day went on, my opinion of the movie went bad. It's like when you eat fast food and at first it's kinda okay, but then four hours later you get the taco shits.

So, "Green Lantern" is decent for an afternoon and then gives you mental intestinal gymnastics. Unlike my knack for analogies, which is usually sickening on the spot.

Trailer Park:

Breaking Dawn:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3jWFiRkHuA

I know you expect me to run this down, but no, I'm not going to.

See, someone gave me the skinny on what happens in this book, and, really, wow. It turns out that Stephenie Meyer was some kind of Dexter-like closet sociopath this entire time, and once she had all of the teenage girls in America in the palm of her hand, she smashed them with a book that sounds like a David Lynch wet dream.

So I am genuinely curious how they're going to translate this warped, fucked-up vision to screen. Probably not curious enough to watch it, because really, haven't I suffered enough, but if the fangirl in your life comes down with PTSD this winter, you'll know why.

...I mean, does he really do it with the claws and his bare hands? Cuz that is hardcore. I don't think the AMA would approve.

Next Week: Nope. I ain't seeing "Cars 2". You know why? Because I don't have kids, and god damn it that comes with certain privileges. You who have spawned offspring, have fun watching the traffic.

Business card ideas.

1. "Adam L Brinklow, Slacker. (Since 1983!)"

2. "Certified non-infectious."

3. "Overly-frank appraisals of everything about you, ask me how!"

4. "Opinions and an asshole: I've got both!"

5." Future last angry man."

6. "Making the world slightly more awkward, one conversation at a time."

7. Both sides: "See other side for details."

8. "Receives sexual gratification from people handling his business cards."

Commence this.

Given the choice between hearing a commencement speech and having back to back colonoscopies sans lubrication or any kind of strap to bite down on...well, okay, I would probably go with commencement, but I really had to think hard about that one.

Most commencement speeches are the worst kind of nonsense, a sort of mass ass-kissing to a thousand anonymous asses. The only commencement speech I really liked was when Jeffrey Tambor spoke at my college graduation, and that's on account of he was brief and has a voice like a fine, smoky cheese.

Wow, I actually just creeped myself out with that last comment.

Nine times out of ten I can't shake the feeling that the speakers who tell graduates to go chase their dreams are the same people who are rejecting their job applications a few months later. Although, to my knowledge, Jeffrey Tambor has never turned me down for a job. I have so much to thank that man for.

When the revolution comes Jeffrey, you will be spared.

UC Berkeley's Haas School of Business tapped Barbara Desoer to give the commencement speech this year. Who is Barbara Desoer? President of home loans for Bank of America. BofA brought her on to oversee their purchase of Countrywide, which is sort of like being the surgeon who is called to transplant a diseased heart into a patient. Yes kids, someday that could be you...

***

Plain text = Desoer

Bold text = Me.

“Graduates, today is a touchstone event in your life. A day filled with pride in what you’ve accomplished…appreciation for the sacrifices made to reach this pinnacle…and anticipation of the limitless, wide-open potential that awaits.

“Unless of course any of you are planning on asking me for a home loan, in which case this is a day for crushing despair and all-annihilating disappointment.

“What will you build from this day forward?

“And can it possibly be as cool as the pyramid of shot glasses you built in the student union bar last night?

“An impressive resume, a life of accomplishment…of that I have no doubt.”

Clearly she wasn’t in the union bar.

“But, a life of meaning, of purpose…that is the more difficult quest and the one that as a Haas graduate you are uniquely positioned to navigate. At Haas, we talk about path-bending leaders – but I’d go a step further.”

Wait, I thought that Fire Nation killed the last of the path-benders a hundred years ago?

“With the tools and opportunities you’ve been given – you should be carving out new paths – bringing your ingenuity to bear on the difficult issues of the day – poverty, unemployment, the environment, access to healthcare…

“You kids really need to get on that stuff, because over at BofA we've pretty damn well fucked it up for everybody.

“You’re in a wonderful position to come out of school and make an impact, to influence the other side of the economic crisis.

“And by other side, I mean the one that I'm not on. Also known as the one where all of the crisis actually happened.

Ms. Desoer probably set the wrong tone when she chose this as her ride that day.

"I can’t think of a better place to be equipped for the challenges of our day than a school built on the same values that pioneered the West.”

Um, "Remember the Alamo", "Manifest Destiny", and "The only good Injun is a dead Injun"?

“An entrepreneurial spirit, willingness to seize opportunity, and an ability to innovate.”

Well, I was close.

“These are the same values needed in today’s business environment as we grow our economy, improve the quality of life for our citizens and further explore the global frontier.

“The next stage of global frontier exploration of course being sailing over the edge of the earth to the sea monster-riddled abyss below!

"It wasn’t that long ago…ok, it was pretty long ago…when I was sitting where you are. My experience at Haas was probably very similar to yours – except you have these beautiful new facilities – and my classmates and I had Barrows Hall where we fought the Economic students for space.

“It was right over that that I busted open an Econ major's head open with an axe handle. I did forty days in solitary for it. It was a different time then.

“But the exceptional faculty, diverse student body, and the thrill of being in the heart of one of the most dynamic academic communities in the country is just as true today as it was for me 35 years ago. “

So, not really that much at all, is what you're saying?

“The bedrock principles that Haas embodies have not changed since the school was founded more than 110 years ago.

"‘No blacks, no Jews, no wops.’

“So, that as alumni we all share a unique culture perfectly captured in the Defining Principles - Challenge the Status Quo, Confidence Without Attitude, Student Always and Beyond Yourself.”

Wow, those eleven words have been vainly struggling to form a complete sentence for 110 year huh? Maybe you should borrow some principles from the English department? Just saying...

“And, while commencement marks the end of your formal studies, it marks the beginning of a different kind of learning – where the only syllabus is the one you set and the only one who can determine if you’ve passed or failed is you.”

I hereby give myself full honors and nominate myself all-time MVP for life, double-bogey no take-backs.

“In the spirit of this continuing education, I want to offer three words of advice –

"No space docking.

Nope, can't show you that.

“Vision, valor and value. First, vision. Not far from here stands one of the most marveled upon man-made structures.

“I myself marveled on it just last Saturday, while drunk. You can still see the marvel stains.

“It exists because a young engineer had a vision for a mile-long suspension bridge to cross the San Francisco Bay. “

Actually it started when a crazy derelict ex-businessman declared himself emperor and issued a proclamation to dissolve Congress and then start with the bridge building.

That's not a joke, that really happened 150 years ago.

“You’ve gone to business school but don’t let yourself be defined by your degree.

“Leave that to your bosses, and, if need, be, your spouses.

“Keep an open mind about how you apply your degree, what you’ve learned and where that leads. Thirty years ago, I was a math nerd, whose dream job was sitting in an office, running models, where no one would bother me. When I came to Haas, my time here accelerated a change inside me and gave me the confidence to pursue a vision that took me away from my models and my four office walls.

“LSD will do crazy shit to you like that.

“And while I’m still a math nerd, I’ve learned how much I enjoy engaging and inspiring others in a common endeavor, being a part of a team and helping others succeed.

“In short, organized crime opened up wonderful new vistas in my life.

“Let your degree, all that you’ve learned and experienced strip away the boundaries of what you think you can achieve. Don’t stay in a lane that’s too well-defined. Dream boldly and you may surprise yourself and find the last thing on Earth you ever thought you’d be doing is the one thing that brings you the greatest fulfillment.”

By golly she's right! From this day forward I'm going to pursue the career path I always dreamed of: Chippendales dancer! Get me my bow tie!

Clearly this is my calling.

“The second word of advice is valor. In life you will experience failure. But, take pride in that because you can’t possibly succeed without the courage to fail.

“The further I get into this speech, the more firsthand experience I'm having with that tenet.

“An author extolling the benefits of failure had this to say:

‘Why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged.'

“But enough about the Marquis de Sade.

“After being unemployed, surviving on food stamps, and rejected more than a dozen times by publishers, J.K. Rowling had an intimate knowledge of failure, but it is her perseverance that is every bit as inspiring as her epic “Harry Potter” success.

“So I guess what I’m saying is, at some point in your life you may find that you’ve written ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’, but don’t let that discourage you! Get right back up on that horse!

“More often than not opportunity presents itself in the form of a challenge. I pride myself in being a process thinker but sometimes you have to be willing to just take that leap and risk where you’ll land.

"Sometimes you just have to say: ‘Fuck it, this time I go in bareback!’"

Jokes like that are the reason I never have anything to show prospective employers when they ask for writing samples, by the way.

“It is probably obvious how courage is needed in such situations – but it is needed every bit as much in the everyday of our lives… “

Everyone sitting through this speech was pretty clear on the concept by this point.

Actual image of crowd during Desoer speech.

“To keep us engaged, when we’ve just had our 10th conference call of the day.

“I mean my God, is there anything worse than having too much work in today’s economy?

“To not snap in a meeting, when we’re jetlagged and buzzed on caffeine.

"Please do the responsible thing and just bottle that aggression up inside and then release it after you get home to the family.

“To stay positive in the face of life’s little disappointments – rain on vacation, your favorite lipstick color discontinued, Pia getting voted off American Idol.”

Yeah, with 17% unemployment among new graduates, I'm sure Pia is what these kids will be struggling with most in the coming years...

“To say thank you, good job, and never underestimate the power of gratitude.”

"Or ambiguous syntax.

“Which brings me to my last word of advice - value. There is a horrible modern phenomenon that I am going to beg all of you not to fall prey to –”

Planking?

"Multi-tasking.”

Oh, so the opposite of planking.

By the way, those of you who Googled “space docking” earlier and are now afraid, you can look up “planking" without fear.

Also, for the record, I am genuinely sorry.

“It may seem like you’re being more productive, excelling at time management, and impressively dexterous - texting, tweeting, listening to a commencement speech – all at the same time.”

I've got news for you: they're really just texting and tweeting.

“But, I’m convinced as a society we’re more anxious and stressed because we’re trying to do too much at once – and in doing so end up doing none of it as well as we could. So, I’m going to champion single-tasking.

"In my day to day life, I don't concentrate on destroying an entire economy, I just crush one family's dream of owning a home as thoroughly as I can and then I move on to the next.

"Focusing your mind, time and energy – to bring the full value of what you have to offer to the task at hand, to your passions, your family, and your community.

"To review: single task about your passions, family, community, and the task at hand. Single-task all four of those things at once.

“To be fully present in all your endeavors. To make courageous choices – deciding in the face of competing demands where you will get and give the most value.

"Otherwise life just ends up like a bad threesome: someone is always getting left out.

“Because, what really matters in life is connection – not connectivity. Relationships – not quantity of facebook friends. Investing in people and communities – not investments.”

Wait, don't invest in investments, don't connect with connectivity, is this the speech for the graduating class of Oceania or something?

Big Brother was always copying off of my test during finals.

“A quote that has always had meaning for me and I keep above my desk is this one by Maya Angelou: ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’”

Oh yes, Maya Angelou and the Bank of America loan department, truly kindred spirits.

“I’ve said more than three words –”

I actually lost count at three.

“But I do hope these will stick with you – vision, valor and value. In a day of celebration take a moment for reflection. Write down your biggest, boldest dreams and keep that with you as a reminder of what you want to achieve.”

Okay: Become Kin Sa-Rang's sex slave, invent personal jetpack that runs off of white wine, and develop personal dialect ofthe English language so that I will never have to speak directly to another human being again.

Hey, quit reading my biggest, boldest dreams, those are private!

“Hold tight to the dreams of your youth and carry forward from this day the passion and excitement you feel. Let your compass be the limitless line of the horizon – “

How'd that work for Amelia Earhart?

“Seeing beyond what is in front of you and having the courage to go beyond yourself and be extraordinary.”

That sounds like a call for more LSD.

Tell Me Lies.

Okay America's political leaders, we need to talk. You guys have been caught with your pants down a lot lately. Literally in Anthony Weiner's case.

Every six months or so we get some new political sex scandal. Studio 54 didn't see as much action as the Senate cloakroom has gotten over the last couple of years. Which poses one very troubling question:

Why are you guys so bad at not getting caught?

Follow-up question: At the very least, shouldn't women have better taste?

Sex scandals are bad for America, because they distract the public from more important political issues and they mar the careers of otherwise effective leaders. Every time one of you guys gets caught propositioning a mannequin or cruising for furries in a Tigger costume, you're contributing to the slow asphyxiation of reasonable discourse.

In a perfect world I would ask you all to please fuck responsibly, and if possible to only fuck those prescribed individuals you are supposed to (if you're having trouble remembering exactly who that is, it's probably the woman who you're always telling: "Going to the store hon, back in four hours. Don't call."). But we all know that that's not going to happen, and there's virtually no historical precedent for it, so who are we kidding?

In a slightly less perfect world, I would ask the public to simply be more mature and stop obsessing over politician's sex lives and to instead obsess over important policy matters that effect our everyday lives and the future of our country. But I would probably have an easier time with that first option of keeping all of the congressional dicks on leashes. We have to work within the framework that's been provided us.

Harry Reid will be having his requisite sex scandal as soon as his blood returns to a liquid state.

It seems that the only thing left for me to do is to remind our elected officers that they have a sacred duty and responsibility to the American people, and that that duty is to lie more convincingly about their indiscretions. It's the only way we're going to get anything done around here.

You know once upon a time people knew that American politicians were the greatest liars in the world. And I wonder, whatever happened to that? Has the world changed? Or did you just stop caring? If we can't trust you to maintain the basic lies that keep your families and marriages together, how can we trust you to tell the lies that bind our nation together? You've undermined our faith in the entire institution of public falsehood!

It starts with "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," and then before you know it it's "Major combat operations have ceased." It's gotten to the point where these lies mean nothing anymore, and soon we're not going to believe a single lie that comes out of your mouths!

Remember, this guy kept it under wraps for two hundred years! Now there's a true American.

So please, Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Lee, Mark Souder, Erica Massa, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Tim Mahoney, John Edwards, David Patterson, Randy Tobias, Rudy Giuliani, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Brian Doyle, Jack Ryan, Ed Schrock, Eliot Spitzer, Steven LaTourette, Don Sherwood, David Vitter, Vito Fossella, Kwame Kilpatrick, Gary Condit, Gavin Newsom, Paul Patton, Bob Wise, Jim McGreevey, Neil Goldschmidt, and of course, Bubba, I implore you all:

If you can't be honest with us, get better at not being honest with us. Because believe it or not, you've got work to do.

Summer Mockbusters: X-Men-First Class.

Originally titled "X-Men: Coach" and then "X-Men: Business Class" before the studio finally coughed up the extra money to upgrade everyone's seating.

Okay, I'm really sorry about that joke, I just had to get it out of my system. The rest will be better, I promise.

It's been two years since the last X-Men movie, five years since the last one dealing with the X-Men as a team, and eight years since the last one that was any damn good. Which poses a fascinating question going into this newest installment: do I actually care?

Consider that this is the fifth movie in the franchise and the second prequel. How would you even number that? Negative two?

X-Men: First Class

Directed by: A kick ass director. No, wait, that should be "The director of Kick Ass." Actually, both work.

Starring: The weenie guy from "Wanted", the British guy from "Inglourious Basterds", a gal from a movie about beaver, Betty Draper's lingerie, and last but not least, Kevin Bacon (because really, why the hell not?).

Basics:

Kevin Bacon wants to play six degrees of Armageddon (yeah, I totally lied when I said the jokes would get better) and instigates the Cuban Missile Crisis. Young Magneto and Charles Xavier can stop him, but only if they quit flirting for long enough (seriously guys, get a room).

The Good:

The first thing you need to know is that “First Class” is not really a superhero movie. Rather, it’s a James Bond movie. But not a modern Bond movie; instead it’s a intentionally retro, kitschy, 60s-style Bond flick.

Confused? Well, let me put it to you this way: In this movie, Kevin Bacon travels around the world in a private nuclear submarine with a built-in martini bar, wearing a purple leisure suit and plotting nuclear war while January Jones stands around kitted up like Honor Blackman. Just so we’re clear, these scenes are without question the greatest thing I’ve seen all year.

"You know baby, sleeping with me is six steps away from sleeping with every guy in Hollywood."

“First Class” allows itself to have fun in a way that no movie in this franchise ever has, and in doing so it’s lifted a tremendous burden off of the entire property. Did you ever think you’d see Charles Xavier in a bar chugging drinks and picking up on girls?

James McAvoy has a kind of impish, foppish charm about everything he does. He’s like a cross between Ewan McGregor and the Lucky Charms leprechaun. And I mean that in the most positive way possible...whatsoever that way may be.

Opposite McAcoy is Michael Fassbender, playing a young Magneto who spends the first act of the movie hunting Nazi war criminals across two continents. Let me repeat that so that it can sink in: Magneto is a globe-hopping Nazi hunter who bumps off former SS men while obsessively plotting to kill Kevin Bacon. I’m surprised the movie can bear the weight of an idea that cool without collapsing into a neutron star.

The film works better as an origin for Magneto than for the X-Men, as we watch him transition from a tunnel-vision revenge machine into the big picture grand mastermind villain of the rest of the franchise.

It’s really refreshing to see a superhero origin movie where people DO things. Most of these movies feature characters who sit around and placidly wait for the plot to catch up to them, then laboriously explain each and every little thing about what’s happening to the audience.

“X-Men: First Class”, on the other hand, has a very brisk first and second act full of characters who can’t be fucked to explain themselves to the audience because they’re too damn busy getting on with cool spy shit. Don’t mind me fellas, just keep doing what you’re doing.

Damn it Hicox, that's not the German three either! You've blown your cover again!

Being a prequel, the flick does open up some inconsistencies with the other films. I list this as a good thing because the movies it most often undermines are “X-Men 3” and “Wolverine”, and fuck all that noise. If Matt Vaughn wanted to kick those movies in the balls and throw them down some stairs I’d probably build the staircase myself from scratch.

The Bad:

The first hour of this movie is phenomenal, and watching it was like strapping into what you think is a taxi cab but turns out to be a tilt-a-whirl. But then the second hour almost completely runs aground, and my interest started to decline faster than Scott Cousins’ chances of being declared Man of the Year in the Bay Area (hang in there Scotty, it wasn’t really your fault).

It really can’t be a good sign that in a movie titled “X-Men” the thing I was the least interested in was the X-Men. If this movie has been just about James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, and Jennifer Lawrence, I would have been happy camper (except I hate camping, so I guess in my case I‘d have been a happy urban dweller who hates the smell of pine). Those are the actors whose characters I gave a crap about.

The rest of the cast, though, is comprised mostly of people who could walk into an empty room and still not be the most interesting person there. Even January Jones seemed just plain disinterested in being in this movie (maybe she realized that there were exactly two reasons she was cast?). The more the movie focused on the young mutants, the more interested I became in excavating the last of the nacho cheese from the bottom of the cup.

"Yes Ms. Frost, I'm perfectly aware of where your eyes are, but the question you should be worrying about is where my tail is."

On that note; Beast, buddy, the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, okay, your feet look a little weird, but get over it already. I’ve seen toenail fungus that’s uglier than that. Put on some socks every now and then if it bothers you so much. Or, um, two socks sewed together, I guess would probably do the trick.

Even worse, the big action finale is kind of a let-down. There’s really nothing to see here, unless the idea of Lenny Kravtiz’s daughter flying around with a set of butterfly wings bolted to her back while hocking flaming loogies at battleships appeals to you (it’s not as great as it sounds).

In fact, the entire movie nearly lost me at the end, but luckily it got its act together for the emotional climax in the last fifteen minutes, which was more important. Still, it shouldn’t have been that close.

The Ugly:

How bad was “X-Men 3”? So bad that it significantly mars my enjoyment of every better X-Men movie.

Even now, five years later while watching the much, much, MUCH better “X-Men: First Class”, I could not get that other damnable film out of my mind. It’s impossible to become fully invested in any of these character conflicts when you keep thinking about the incredibly asinine conclusion that they’ll eventually be brought to.

Watching “X-Men: First Class” or even “X-Men” and “X-Men 2” after watching “X-Men 3” is like driving a really cool car that smells like a fart. No matter how smooth the ride is, you can never completely ignore that smell. “X-Men 3” is the fart in the air conditioning of this entire property.

Brett Ratner, I hate you. How much do I hate you? Well, if we ever meet, I’m going to count to three, and then I’m going to move the coin...

"For the last time, no, I am not interested in making this round strip chess."

Bottom Line:

“X-Men: First Class” is frustrating, because it feels like a potentially great movie that borrowed trouble and instead simply became an alright movie. Laden with extraneous characters we didn’t need and the story baggage that comes with them, the awesome super-powered spy flick that we were originally watching grinds to a halt and is replaced by lukewarm mush.

Still, there’s a lot to love here. “First Class” took chances with the material and in the process pulled a worn-out franchise back from the edge of irrelevance. And it taught us all an important lesson: do NOT fuck with Michael Fassbender, ever! The movie fails at a lot, but the things it succeeds are the things that are most important. Eleven years after the original, these movies are finally back on track.

Trailer Park:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQHqNxyEaws

Every time I thought this trailer couldn’t get more dumb, it topped itself a second later. It’s like the Donald Trump of movie previews.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHRf01Gjosk

Wait, what does that say? I’ve been calling it “Dark Side of the Moon”, but apparently it’s just “Dark of the Moon”? What’s a dark of the moon? I don’t think that’s even a thing? Sounds like a Scandinavian metal band.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yUwXwrR35U

Speaking of which.

Michael Nyqvist was the male lead in the 2009 Swedish version of this movie, and Daniel Craig looks like what would happen if you left Nyqvist in the microwave for about seven hours.

In any case, watching this trailer in a theater is like being blasted through a wind tunnel full of equal parts Karen O and adrenaline, so points to the marketing team.

Next Week: The Cult of JJ Abrams brings us “Super 8”, but I will in all likelihood be seeing “Troll Hunter” instead. Because there should be someone on hand for that who knows to use fire on them.

These boots are NOT made for walking.

I take advertising very personally.

Sometimes I take it so personally that I stay up late and write threatening letters to the GEICO Gecko and the Energizer Bunny. Some nights they write back.

The doctors tell me this is just a paranoid delusion, but of course, they're all out to get me.

Advertisers claim to have a certain degree of insight about how the buying public thinks and feels. They think they know me.

So when I see advertising that just completely rubs me the wrong way, I have to conclude that whoever was behind it has grossly misjudged me. It's like slander. I feel like that billboard is talking shit about me. Not in the paranoid way this time.

The worst offender is ALDO shoes. Their ads are pasted all over BART stations (already terrifying locales as it is), and if their goal is to make me feel mildly ill for reasons I'm almost scared to consider in any depth, then they've done a masterful job.

I see this one a lot:

That's it. That's the whole thing. I didn't crop or alter it at all. That's the free-standing, intact image as it is seen on the subway wall. It doesn't even have the company name on it, so I suppose I'm almost guessing that it's an ALDO, but really, it could scarcely be anything else.

What are we looking at? Plainly, it is a young woman who has been crushed by a giant beach ball. I have no idea if she's survived the trauma, but I don't doubt that she'll need immediate and extensive medical attention just as soon as that thing rolls off of her.

Does this image make you want to buy something? It sure does me. I really want to buy a giant beach ball for crushing people with. Because I think we've all needed someone crushed from time to time. But ALDO does not sell giant crushing beach balls. I checked. Extensively. The sales staff have filed several injunctions against me.

In any case, not really feeling the shoes, so let's move on.

What in the-? Um, okay?

What do you think of when you see this? Me, I think of sushi. And then I think of sex. And I'm not at all comfortable with the proximity of those two subjects. Those are separate wants, and they should remain separate, and I don't appreciate the way this ad is...confusing me.

And now I'm thinking about that story about Led Zeppelin and the red snapper. And I do NOT want to think about Led Zeppelin and the red snapper. But you know what I'm not thinking about? Shoes! Never crossed my mind.

We've got one last item, hopefully it'll be something less unsettling, and perhaps even related to the product in a understandable way.

Oh sweet leaping Jesus on a lily pad, what is going on here? Save me David Lynch, save me from the nightmare. I'm sorry about what I said about your movies. I had not yet known true horror.

What are these people doing? And why? And what bizarre fetish site was this image originally commissioned for, and what dark deeds had to be committed to convince ALDO to take it off their hands and perpetrate it on the public?

I feel violated. I feel like I should have to use a doll to show the policeman where ALDO improperly touched my mind.

I suppose the fact that I am talking about the ads and have now showcased them to an audience that might otherwise never have been tormented by such unspeakable nether-regions of commercialism means that the ad campaign was effective. If you asked them, they would probably say that I had played right into their hands.

And then you would say: "What's that? Can't hear you with that mackerel head on."

Degrees of responsibility.

I don't like to think of myself as a hero. I would prefer to just let all of you think that, and then play it off as graciously and modestly as I can while still reaping the considerable social benefits. Seems less crass that way.

Of course, we're not born heroes (with the obvious exception of that kid who foiled a bank robbery by breaking Mom's water in the middle of it), but rather, we remain vigilant for the call of duty and then we answer it. Possibly around the third or fourth ring, but even so.

For example, today I'm at work, minding my own business, never suspecting that at a moment's notice the lives of any number of bystanders will be put in my hands (although it should be noted that my hands are an excellent place for bystander lives, as well as for large bank notes and anything else of supreme importance that you might want me to hang onto). Minding my own business, I picked up a seemingly innocuous container lid, much like any other:

And if not for my keen eye I might never have noticed that there was something amiss about this lid. This lid was not a lid at all but a ticking timebomb. Metaphorically. Observe, this lid came with a warning label, and what did it say?

That's right! Do not exceed one hundred and eighty degrees. And yet, as you can tell from the first photo, the manufacturers recklessly disregarded their own guidelines and crafted this lid into a circle, a shape which has, if my memory serves me, no less than three hundred and sixty degrees, DOUBLE the number of degrees designated as safe!

I realized that this lid might be structurally unstable. I confess I don't know what happens when you go over the degree limit with this type of plastic, but I knew for sure that I didn't want to find out. Fortunately, I knew just what to do, and at a moment's notice, I sprang into action.

I don't like to boast, but if I say so myself, my solution was as elegant in its simplicity as it was ingenious in its efficacy. But you don't have to take my word for it, as I had the presence of mind to document the results.

Crisis averted.

There's no need to thank me. I was just doing my job. Anyone would have done the same in my position. Probably not as well, and they certainly wouldn't have looked as devastatingly handsome while they did it, but that's alright. Not everyone can have it all.