Did you know that if you let prepubescent boys read Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories, they will actually begin puberty right then and there? It’s like clockwork.
Most people probably only know the Schwarzenegger “Conan” movies, which is a shame, because they’re really not at all like the pulp stories. They’re not as much fun, they’re not nearly as inventive, and they don’t do much to endear you to the character.
On the plus side though, they do lack the galloping racism of Howard’s fiction. Yeah, it was the 30s and he was from Texas, what’re you gonna do?
Now we have a “Conan the Barbarian” for a new generation. I hope these filmmakers know what they’re doing. Not just anyone can stand on top of a pile of skulls with his hair hanging in his face. I know Glenn Danzig makes it look easy, but that’s just his gift.
Conan the Barbarian
Directed by: A guy who had the good sense not to direct “End of Days.”
Starring: Hellboy, Cherry Darling, Stephen Lang’s Testosterone, and a man who has basically been cosplaying Conan for his entire career.
Basics:
Conan is pissed that someone killed his father, Ron Perlman. I’m pissed too. Ron Perlman totally deserved a bigger role than that.
The Good:
So, tell me something: do you like sword fights?
If you said yes, I may have a movie for you to check out. If you said no...go watch "The Help."
Conan does exactly three things: he fights, he travels to other fights, and now and then he stops to pick up one of the many gratuitously naked women who decorate his movie for no apparent reason. That's pretty much his day.
One of the few times we even see him sleep he's woken up by a swordfight (also known as the "Cimmerian alarm clock"). It must be nice to be doing what you love in life.
For reference, I've compiled a short list of things less bloody than "Conan the Barbarian":
-Raw red meat.
-Invasive surgery.
-Dracula's bowel movement.
-A hemophiliac on cocaine who falls into a dumpster full of liquor bottles.
-A big swimming pool full of blood.
But Adam, you say, (you did just say that, right, I'm not hearing voices again?) is this movie really just about gratuitous violence? To which I assure you, no.
There's also gratuitous nudity.
Conan in this movie is Jason Momoa, who has been playing Conan by any other name for his entire life. Momoa is plainly not a good actor, but then, the bar was set by Schwarzenegger here.
The heavy lifting is done by Stephen Lang, who destroys the scenery and is accompanied by Rose McGowan looking like a GWAR groupie and acting like David Cronenberg's ultimate wet dream. It‘s like they read my diary.
Visually, the movie is phenomenal. Fantasy art fans will be wanking off Peewee Herman-style in their seats, because there are moments when Conan just walks straight into a Frank Frazetta painting. There are about twelve scenes from this movie that I want painted on my van, assuming I had a van and no shame.
<"You know, I thought that the water from this well had kind of a calamari aftertaste.">
Did I mention that Conan kills shit in this movie? He does. A lot. I really can't stress that enough.
The Bad:
Plainly I did not expect "Conan" to be a smart movie. In fact, I would have been a trifle disappointed if it was. Even so, there's no reason for it to be strictly this dumb.
How dumb are we talking? The first we see of Conan is in utero, while his nine month's pregnant mother is fighting barbarians. Yes, she's sword fighting while enormously pregnant. While wearing what we can only call "maternity armor."
Naturally, circumstances shortly require that Conan's father (Ron Perlman, of course. Who the hell else was it gonna be?) perform an emergency "Cimmerian section" with his sword, and we get treated to Conan's naked, blood-covered, umbilicus-wielding newborn visage.
There's a fight going on during all of this, of course.
I realize that for a certain value of the word, the above scene sounds good, but it's really not. This movie just doesn't sell that moment, and this movie above all needs to be the kind of movie that sells that moment, because if it isn't, there's almost no reason for it to exist.
Granted, "Conan" never gets that stupid again, but even once is too often.
<"I think I dated this chick briefly in college. I'll be honest, if she called, I'd pick up the phone.>
Unbelievably, "Conan" is over-written. Despite the fact that if you compiled all of the footage that is not people getting disemboweled you wouldn’t have enough to fill a flipbook, somehow or another they managed to make the story too complicated, mucking around with magic mask that is created and destroyed and recreated in the first ten minutes of the film, and then does not much for the rest of it.
It’s hardly a spoiler to tell you that Conan’s father dies. You should be able to guess this before you even sit down, and even if you sdidn’t it’ll be clear within five minutes (and then he’ll be dead five minutes later).
Given how this is an, um, given, you’d think we could get on with it, but no, the man takes FOREVER to die. I’ve seen people die more expeditiously in real life. The audience has places to be and they know perfectly well how this is going to turn out, so please, any day now.
The Ugly:
I hope Jason Momoa keeps picking up former Arnold roles.
I can’t wait to see a remake of “Twins” with him and the guy who played McLovin in “Superbad”, or maybe have him sit there with his trademark look of dull surprise w/ heavy eyebrows while watching Amanda Seyfried poledance in a “True Lies” remake.
This guy is pretty much just Arnold, slightly prettier and with better hair. I can support that. He’s not Arnold 2.0, he’s just Arnold 1.2. A patch, if you will. Same Arnold that you know, but with better security, fewer bugs, and less speech therapy required.
Please update your drivers.
Bottom Line:
I really should have better taste than this.
Alas, I don’t.
Look, I’ve seen three movies this week. The other two were both subtitled, one was Spanish and the other French, and one was directed by Luis Bunuel. I can like “Conan the Barbarian” and still keep my elitist snob credentials.
Believe me, I’ve earned this. I earned this with every second of “Tree of Life.” Each of which are like two and a half second of a normal movie, or three and a quarter seconds of this movie.
I heard someone call this a “nacho eating” movie, but that’s accurate only if you substitute your enemy’s blood for cheese. And the chips are ground from your enemy’s bones. And the chili is composed chiefly of, well, you get the idea.
I live. I love. I watch. I am content.
Trailer Park:
The Thing:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCHuSKnFYzY&feature=related
Those who are pissed at the idea of remaking John Carpenter’s “The Thing” (possibly the greatest horror film of all time) have no legs to stand on once they remember that Carpenter’s “The Thing” was also, technically, a remake. Ouch.
Immortals:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VdONYkKFmQ
The people behind this movie seem to think that I’ll root for Henry Cavill over Mickey Rourke. In other words, these people don’t know shit about me, or about Mickey Rourke.
Ghost Rider 2:
No.
Just, no.
I’m not even linking. This isn’t happening. We will never speak of it again. NEVER.
Next Week: Nothing. It’s late August, the summer schedule is finished, and so am I.
Time to sit back for the standard slew of September and October Hollywood horror movies and then it’s award movie season starting in November. And so the great Circle of Life turns on and on and on.
