Conspiracy Weary: David Icke.

Now, this guy is my absolute favorite.

At first it seems like the standard line: Secret society that rules the world, New World Order controls all government and media, "global elites" silence everything except, mysteriously, the author, this is all so well-trod as to be tiresome.

So what makes British conspiracy Messiah (a term I'm dead certain he self-applies) David Icke special? Well, it's not just that he thinks that a shadow cabal secretly rules the world, it's the, let's call it, precise nature of this supposed organization's members. In short, David Icke (pronounced "Ike", like Ike Eisenhower, but I have fun calling him "Ick") believes, apparently in complete earnestness, that the world is secretly ruled by lizard people.

Yes, lizard people.

To be more exact, they are a shapeshifting race of part-reptilian, part-humanoid creatures who came from "the Draco constellation" to oppress humankind. Although if we want to be perfectly accurate (sic, of course...), technically they're a hybrid race bred from reptile monsters and blond-haired, blue-eyed "Nordic" aliens. These "Aryan" repto-nordics (yeah, doesn't take long for this shit to get downright uncomfortable, does it?) are our secret shapeshifting masters. Apparently they drink blood, but also feed off of negative emotions, which of course is why they work so hard to make the world as miserable a place to live in as possible.

Ever been to the Denver international airport? I'm told it's a hole. Icke insists that it was designed this way on purpose to inspire precious misery for our reptile masters to feed on, as well as to serve as a "cathedral" for their Lovecraftian religion. Naturally this is all done psychically. This is explained in Icke's book, entitled (wait for it): "The Biggest Secret: The Book That Will Change the World!" Yes, he really called it that. You're probably starting to see why I love this guy.

Just who is a lizard person, according to Icke? Well, the British royal family, for starters, he REALLY has it in for them. Also, the Bush family, the Clintons, evidently most of the Israeli government, the Vatican, and yes, the Obamas. In fact, every US president ever was a lizard person (including Eisenhower. Icke doesn't like Ike). Also, Kris Kristofferson. Yes, Kris Kristofferson, for some reason. Actually, in fairness, that claim comes from Icke's fellow conspiracy nut Cathy O'Brien, who claims she was sold to Kristofferson (who she describes in her own book as a "Vatican based Project Monarch slave runner") for sexual slavery. I just like to include him because, well, it really rounds out the list, am I right?

Of course, they're not JUST alien lizard people. They're also Satanists, child molesters, drug lords, Nazis, and whatever else Icke thinks is scary. It seems all stripes of bad people are coterminous with the reptilian agenda. He is oddly inconsistent on some of these points; for example, I was just reading an illuminating (sic) piece on his website illustrating that the elder President Bush is a child molesting Satanist (I'm not going to lie, some of his material is rather attractive...). This piece leaves out the thing about him also being a psychic lizardman from the Draco bloodline, though. Rather a startling omission really, what if there are a few people who still don't know?

"Read the place where my lips would be!"

I really should give you some of Icke's stuff in his own words. Thing of it is, he's so fruit loops that it's hard to make fun of in my usual fashion. I mean, what can you come up with as a witty rejoinder to:

"I strongly believe that a small Jewish clique which has contempt for the mass of Jewish people worked with non-Jews to create the First World War, the Russian Revolution, and the Second World War. This Jewish/non-Jewish Elite used the First World War to secure the Jewish State of Israel. They financed Hitler to power in 1933 and made the funds available for his rearmament."

...see, where am I supposed to go with that? Or with this:

"The members of this Elite are either direct incarnations of the fourth-dimensional Prison Warders or have their minds controlled by them. The aim of the Brotherhood and its interdimensional controllers has been to centralize power in the hands of the few. What is happening today is the culmination of the manipulation which has been unfolding for thousands of years."

Funny? Sure. But not "Ha Ha" funny, if you get me.

There is some question about whether Icke is serious about all of this. Some propose that his lizard man conspiracy is just an elaborate metaphor or psychodrama. Others suppose he's just a charlatan making money off of people who need serious medication. And make no mistake, exposing lizard people is good money; Icke has written seventeen books and is apparently doing quite well for himself. Curiously, his volumes are invariably lost or stolen at every branch of the local library, suggesting either rabid zeal on the part of his fans or dogged persistence on the part of his enemies. I suppose only Icke himself knows for sure which is which.

And of course, it goes without saying that Icke's fans are even more absurdly, graphically insane than he is. Icke is both a poor writer and a walking, talking advertisement for the utility of Thorazine (which is probably full of mind control chemicals), but for all that he at least comes off as a soft-spoken, somewhat intelligent, even charming man when interviewed. His message board, on the other hand, is full of logic-eating hell trolls who spend hours analyzing clips of the BBC and Fox News second by second to catch instances of involuntary "shapeshifting" from correspondents. There's also an entire thread posting pictures of various First Ladies to debate which of them has the "least convincing" human disguise. It's downright rude, really.

I'm not saying I don't see it, I'm saying shut your trap.

Of course, by poking fun at Icke, I'm actually validating his world view, at least as far as he's concerned. As he so delicately put it 13 years ago:

"It's funny that since I began writing and speaking about reptilian bloodlines running the world, which, according to the mainstream and many conspiracy 'researchers', is apparently ridiculous, you would have expected the opposition to my work to subside.... BUT HOW FUNNY! THE OPPOSITE HAS HAPPENED. SINCE I BEGAN TALKING ABOUT THE REPTILIAN CONNECTION, THE OPPOSITION HAS BEEN INCREASED SUBSTANTIALLY. WHY? IF I AND THE ENDLESS PEOPLE ANCIENT AND MODERN WHO HAVE SEEN THE SHAPE-SHIFTERS ARE SO MISGUIDED, WHY HAS THE OPPOSITION INCREASED SO MUCH SINCE THE BIGGEST SECRET WAS PUBLISHED AND NOT THE OPPOSITE?"

Why indeed?