It's really hard to believe that it took so long for this movie to get made.
I blame myself, really. Surely I had this same idea when I was eleven and then forgot about it? Possibly while buzzed on Otter Pops and Capri Suns? Artificial sweeteners ruined my screenwriting career, is what I'm saying.
Cowboys & Aliens
Directed by: A guy who is so money and he doesn't even know it.
Starring: James Bond, Indiana Jones, Zaphod Beeblebrox, the priest from "There Will be Blood", and then Olivia Wilde, who has actually never done a good movie I can cite.
Basics:
What? Didn't you read the title?
The Good:
You might be surprised to learn that "Cowboys & Aliens" is, despite its genre-blending gimmick, really just a good old-fashioned Western in its own right. Granted, its pretty much every Western you've ever seen, with every stock character you've ever seen, but then again, that's the whole point.
Really hard to understand how no one had ever yet put Daniel Craig or Harrison Ford in those cowboy hats before. The only parts those two guys are equipped to play better are Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. Craig is naturally stoic and taciturn, and Harrison Ford was, apparently, possessed by the spirit of Harlan Ellison a few years back, giving him superhuman curmudgeonliness.
"Really? You're texting me now? This is the worst possible time."
There's two ways to play this premise, seriously or as a gag. "Cowboys & Aliens" is completely non-ironic about its story. The sci fi elements lean towards Ridley Scott-style sci fi horror rather than the Paul Verhoeven-style action-fi you might expect. If "True Grit" had a drunken one night stand with "The Thing", "Cowboys & Aliens" would be what got aborted three months later (I'm sorry, but there's just no way that thing would come to term).
And damn, what a cast. When I was watching "Captain America" I kept thinking stuff like: "This has got everyone in it except for XYZ." Turns out, X, Y, and Z were doing this movie instead. Probably the two productions split the talent pool between them, which I guess explains why "Green Lantern" ended up with the cast that it did.
The Bad:
I still don't get the big deal about Olivia Wilde. Some people complain that I don't like any young actresses working today, but that's not true. I just don't like the ones that Hollywood likes, the ones whose only talent is looking pretty while having no verifiable facial expression between occasional smiling and default dull surprise.
"Unless you're here to offer me a refund for 'Tron: Legacy' you best keep moving, missy."
She has crazy electric eyes that freak me out. So does Daniel Craig. Anytime they looked at one another, I was afraid they might be crossing the streams.
"Cowboys & Aliens" is fun and all, but if you look past John Favreua's dynamic directing and the (mostly) great casting decisions, you'll find it's not a great script. Not a terrible one either, but the kind of thing that feels like it was written between drafts of someone's passion project adaptation of "The Silmarillion" ("Wait, which group of elves is this again?") and the Sci Fi Channel movie of the week that pays their bills ("Croco-saurus-octo-geddon 2?").
Really, it's a barely average story that, by dint of its wonderfully over the top premise, was lucky enough to attract outsize talent.
And how many times do we have to go over this: your computer-generated creatures look good in the dark and when they're moving naturally. Put them in broad daylight and have them hopping around like lemurs on meth and you're not fooling anyone.
"Ford, I swear to God, if you say 'Well that's not bad, but you're still no Sean Connnery,' one more time, the next one goes through your head."
The Ugly:
Other genre mash-ups I'd like to see:
Ninjas vs Pirates vs Space Marines.
When Harry Met Nessie (that's a rom com/creature feature).
Tyler Perry's House of Frankenstein.
Hobbit Hangover.
Bottom Line:
"Cowboys & Aliens" has the bad luck of coming out toward the end of (and I can't believe I'm saying this) a surprisingly good summer for action movies, potentially leaving audiences burnt out. So if it seems like I'm not that enthusiastic about it, well, fuck, it's August, we're a long way from "Thor" here people.
But that's okay, that's not the movie's fault. Everyone who loves the title will like this movie. Everyone who thinks the title is stupid...needs to lighten up.
Trailer Park:
Battleship:
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810116793/video/26061671/
I have never before seen a theater full of people so thoroughly baffled. Which I guess is to this movie's credit.
Conan:
http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809953260/video/25116578/
Fine, fine, I'll admit it already, it looks cool! Stop hounding me!
But I do wish someone, some day would make a "Conan" movie closer to the real Conan character; a drunken, rowdy, thieving, womanizing jerk who loved to fight shit and make money rather than the bland, mechanical revenge-seeker we always get.
Shark Night 3D:
http://www.joblo.com/movietrailers-view.php?movie=7299
Piranhas were cooler.
Next: Twenty pissed off chimps take over the world with spears. And it's James Franco's fault. Typical.
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