Control Issues.

Curiously behind on the news lately, it took me a while to even realize we were having a birth control controversy in America. I mean, birth control, really? It's 2012. Even the women on "Mad Men" have a pretty easy time getting on the pill (in the first episode), but we're going to have a shitstorm over it NOW?

And let me tell you, boy am I mad at the Catholic church. I step up and defend you guys EVERY time Dan Brown puts out a new book, and this is how you repay me? I feel betrayed. You're like that Judas-type guy, who betrayed people. What was that guy's name again? Oh yeah: Lando Calrissian.

No, look, I get it, every sperm is sacred. Great. Go nuts with that, I mean really, have fun (or don't, as it were). But this idea that even non-Catholics who work for you have to tow that line? Tell you what, you guys start praying toward Mecca five times a day on behalf of your Muslim employers, then we'll talk.

But here's what kills me about this; not that I was actually downright surprised to find that birth control is not already covered under most medical plans (seriously, villagers in dusty windswept fourth world countries whose economy is still primarily mule-based have access to contraception. Granted, it's often not very good, but if some people get their way, ours won't be either...), but how squeamish certain folks still are about the idea that other people fuck.

That's okay Rick, I don't want to think about you having sex either. Ever.

I hear a lot about how birth control is an easy, dependable, and reliable treatment for preventing a great many diseases, including certain types of cancer. And it is. And it's very important that women have access to it on those grounds. What I hear fewer talking heads pointing out is that birth control is also a great way to prevent pregnancy. And, ya know, as far as health concerns go, that's a pretty big one too. In terms of shit that doesn't kill you (although, of course, it can do that too...), that's pretty much the biggest.

It seems that some people are downright afraid of the idea that, if the potential to spawn young is removed from the equation, women might be free to, ya know, go around having sex. And what will happen then? They might even start having orgasms. And that will lead to...I'm going to guess earthquakes, although without Jerry Falwell around to guide us it's hard to say.

I guess no one is comfortable talking about the idea of preventing infants. After all, they're cute. Babies are indeed wonderful things; but not for everyone, and not at every time. For example, how about when you're just too hammered to even remember this guy's name, much less whether he's father material right off the bat? I guess we might say that a woman probably shouldn't be having sex under those circumstances. And to that I say: seriously, quit cockblocking me, I need this.

I tried just posting this over the bed, but it was surprisingly ineffectual.

But more importantly, I would say to mind your own damn business.

So, yeah, among its many other health benefits, birth control prevents pregnancies. And that's a good thing. Unplanned pregnancy can fuck up your life, and a woman in this day and age should have the freedom to have sex without running the chronic health risks (not to mention the long term effects on, ya know, everything in their lives). It seems that some disagree. It seems that they want women to only have sex under a very specific set of circumstances (as laid down by someone else), and probably even then as infrequently as possible. Probably always in the dark, without speaking, with a sheet over her head to hide her shame, and praying the entire time.

Maybe you might think that I'm being unfair to the other side of this debate. Surely they're not so backward? Surely it's not so bad as all that? Well, let's see what prominent presidential candidate and walking punchline Rick Santorum has to say about it:

"It's [contraception's] not okay because it's a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. They’re supposed to be within marriage, they are supposed to be for purposes that are, yes, conjugal, but also procreative."

Well, it's very sweet of Rick to acknowledge that sex can be "conjugal" (I really wish I could watch him shift uncomfortably in his seat while delivering this quote), but keep in mind, that’s ONLY when it results in a baby. Otherwise it's just plain dirty. Thanks for that Rick, you never let me down.

But even that's not what got me pissed off today. No, it turns out the only thing crazier than Rick are the men behind Rick. Which is to say, the men backing Rick up. Which is to say, Rick's rearguard. By which I mean...a sodomy joke.

Continuing on the subject of assholes, we have billionaire Santorum backer (non-conjugally) Foster Friess. Do we have a picture of Foster Friess?

No, wrong guy. We need Mr. Friess here?

Also incorrect, but probably closer to the genuine article.

Well, once he was unthawed for the day, Mr. Friess had something insightful to say on the subject of contraception during an interview on MSNBC:

"This contraception thing, my gosh it's so inexpensive. Back in my day they used Bayer aspirin for contraceptives, the gals put it between their knees and it wasn't that costly."

...

There is some question as to whether this was meant to be a joke. But no, really, I'm sure that back in Mr. Friess' day, "gals" did that very thing, his day presumably being ninety diggity two, when aspirin was two bits for a gad down at the druggist. Or maybe a few decades later, when a woman could pick some aspirin up along with her meth prescription?

But I will say this; between the two of these guys, I think the women of America probably do feel they're in dire need of an aspirin. I know I am.