Indiana Congressional Representative Bob Morris doesn't seem to have enough to do. This week he drafted a rather lengthy letter to his fellow members of Congress warning them that (wait for it) the Girl Scouts of America are a dangerous subversive group. He gets paid to do this stuff, mind you.
The thing of it is...just between you and me, he's right. In fact, as a radical far-left terror agent myself (remember, I live in San Francisco, it just goes without saying), I know all about the inner workings of this fiendish conspiracy. To be honest, as far as fiendish conspiracies go, it's not our best work, but it's still annoying that Morris is on to us. Might be time to activate his daughters' sleeper switches and get this square-headed do-gooder out of the picture once and for all.
***
Plain text = Morris letter.
Bold text = Me.
"This past week I was asked to sign a House Resolution recognizing the 100th Anniversary of Girl Scouts of America. After talking to some well-informed constituents, I did a small amount of web-based research, and what I found is disturbing."
Look Mr. Congressman, I'll be the first to admit that it's in bad taste, but nevertheless those models are all of legal age, and the uniforms were donated.
"The Girl Scouts of America and their worldwide partner, World Association of Girl Guides and Girl Scouts (WAGGGS), have entered into a close strategic affiliation with Planned Parenthood."
Best. Acronym. Ever.
Original copy: "Resistance is futile! Submit, submit!
"You will not find evidence of this on the GSA/WAGGGS website—in fact, the websites of these two organizations explicitly deny funding Planned Parenthood."
I forgot to add in the part where they also explicitly deny funding Iranian nuclear research. But perhaps I've said too much.
"Nonetheless, abundant evidence proves that the agenda of Planned Parenthood includes sexualizing young girls through the Girl Scouts, which is quickly becoming a tactical arm of Planned Parenthood."
In case you were wondering why your Thin Mints tasted like birth control pills.
"Planned Parenthood instructional series and pamphlets are part of the core curriculum at GSA training seminars. Denver Auxiliary Bishop James D. Conley of Denver last year warned parents that 'membership in the Girl Scouts could carry the danger of making their daughters more receptive to the pro-abortion agenda.'"
I knew I shouldn't have introduced that Abortion merit badge.
"A Girl Scouts of America training program last year used the Planned Parenthood sex education pamphlet 'Happy, Healthy, and Hot.'"
I wanted it to be, "Happy, Healthy, and Homo", but there was just barely not enough room.
"The pamphlet instructs young girls not to think of sex as 'just about vaginal or anal intercourse.' 'There is no right or wrong way to have sex. Just have fun, explore and be yourself!' it states"
This replaced the traditional sex ed pamphlet, "The Place Between Your Legs is a Cauldron of Shame".
"Many parents are abandoning the Girl Scouts because they promote homosexual lifestyles."
If only.
"In fact, the Girl Scouts education seminar girls are directed to study the example of role models. Of the fifty role models listed, only three have a briefly-mentioned religious background – all the rest are feminists, lesbians, or Communists."
Hey, that's totally unfair!
There are some eco terrorists in there too.
"Boys who decide to claim a 'transgender' or cross-dressing life-style are permitted to become a member of a Girl Scout troop, performing crafts with the girls and participate in overnight and camping activities – just like any real girl."
My plan to indoctrinate boys to camping and crafts is coming off exactly as I foresaw! They said I was crazy when I floated this scheme at the annual meeting of the Commission Overseeing and Masterminding the Manipulation of Impressionable Enterprises (COMMIE) a few years back, but see how my agenda has come to fruition!
"The Girl Scouts of America stand in a strong tradition that reflects with fidelity the traditional values of our homes and our families. The tradition extends from coast-to-coast and back through the past one hundred years."
But you just claimed they were a bunch of half-sized lesbian communists? I mean, unless you're saying that lesbian communism is a traditional American value. Because if so, you've got my vote.
"I have two daughters who have been active in the Girl Scouts of Limberlost Council in Northeastern Indiana. Now that I am aware of the influence of Planned Parenthood within GSA and other surprisingly radical policies of GSA, my two daughters will instead become active in American Heritage Girls Little Flowers organization. In this traditional group they will learn about values and principles that will not confuse their conservative Hoosier upbringing."
Honestly, I can't imagine anything that will damage them more than being referred to as "Hoosiers."
"I have been told that, as of today, I am the only member not supporting the Girl Scout Resolution."
And what did you conclude from the realization that your career in politics has come to this?
No comments:
Post a Comment