So you say you want a revolution?

Dear Exalted Leader,

Well, ain't this a kick in the pants? On the bright side, oh Opulent Oppressor, isn't it nice to see your citizens taking a more active role in civic affairs?

Well, no, I suppose for you, it's probably not.

Possibly you're confused. You always thought that this was a great country. You added another room onto the massage parlor wing of your palace just last week for crying out loud, who could possibly have anything bad to say about a country that affords you that kind of lifestyle, am I right?

Unfortunately Supreme One, your average citizen sees things a bit differently. I don't mean to imply that you are out of touch, oh Munificent Lord. I know from the reading material distributed by the state news agency that you are a man of the people. That time the brakes failed on your motorcade, you even became a man among the people, and shortly a man on top of the people.

I know also that you grew up the son of itinerant scorpion farmers and achieved your present revered position through hard work and the grace of God, grace in this case manifesting in the form of many hulking men in matching uniforms and a greater than average number of ranking officials who "just happened" to be standing under a balcony when someone dropped a wheelbarrow full of bricks.

That said Supreme Sovereign, you might have overlooked a thing or two. You are, after all, only human, or possibly semi-divine, depending on the status accorded you in your most recent press release.

I'm not sure it qualifies as holding the line if the line consists exclusively of you.

Lucky for you, I live to serve. I've prepared a brief questionnaire. Your answers will help me get a bead on the exact nature of your citizens' “preoccupations”, and possibly help me calculate such helpful data as how many parts of you will be hanging in what areas of your capital city by the end of this calendar year.

These questions may seem strange and a bit, um, pointed to you, but that’s just so that your staggering genius can be properly filtered for the consumption of my mediocre western intellect. Think nothing of it, August Executive.

***

1. In the most recent election, what percentage of the vote in excess of the first hundred did you receive?

2. Your victory feast consisted of:

A) A magnificent banquet.

B) Your opponent’s magnificent banquet.

C) Your opponent.

D) Your opponent’s village.

3. If I were to interview your most prominent political enemy, I would most likely hear:

A) Critique of your policies.

B) Lots of anxious questions along the lines of “You’re not recording, right?”

C) Complaints that your last check didn’t clear.

D) Complaints that no one has emptied the pee bucket in his cell and that the gruel has more glass in it than usual.

E) The sound of sand slowly filling a shallow depression in an out of the way place.

4. If asked about your favorite historical figure, you would cite:

A) Yourself.

B) Yourself in a past life.

C) Vlad the Impaler.

D) Gandhi.

E) The guy who shot Gandhi.

5. When the CIA visits, they bring:

A) Weapons to sell you.

B) Weapons to sell your enemies.

C) Weapons to point directly at you.

D) A quiche.

6. Does the phrase “just because” ever appear on arrest warrants in your country? Does it ever substitute for arrest warrants in your country? Are you right now furrowing your brow in confusion over the word “warrant”?

7. Are women in your society treated like chattel? Is their treatment inferior to chattel? Is there a distinct and widely recognized differentiation between the two things? I realize that this problem might exist independently of your government, oh Lofty Potentate, but I think you’ll agree that not attending your seventh wife’s 14th birthday party didn’t set a very good example.

8. Does your state-sanctioned religion draw a clear and discernible distinction between yourself and your Supreme Being? If so, how often do you claim to be in concert with said Supreme Being? How often do Its instructions include phrases like “heads on pikes”, “down to three generations”, or “death to the” followed by a disquietingly vague, ambiguously-defined plural noun?

9. Do you assume that the phrase “free speech” refers to a particularly generous calling plan?

10. How many death warrants have you signed just while reading this? How many have you personally carried out while reading this? How many times did you look up from this document while doing so?

***

Please forward your responses at your earliest convenience, but try not to take too long about it, oh Decorous Dictator. You know that new sport that’s become all the rage over the last week, the one with the baseball bats and the scarecrow hanging from the lamppost? That’s not really a sport sir. And the crude but unmistakable resemblance between said scarecrow and your own person is not merely your usual egocentrism skewing your perspective.

>From: albrinklow@gmail.com

>To: TripoliWhammy@libya.net

>CC: Al-BashfulBashir@sudan.darfur.org, ManamaCanal@Bahrain.com, DamascusMan@Syria.net, DjiboutiCall@Guelleh.com, IranIranSoFar@Persepolis.org, MuscatScratchFever@Oman.net