Summer Mockbusters: Captain America

Wait, which country do I live in?

America, really?

Well, what country does Captain America represent?

...also America, yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have had to ask.

So, to review, I am American, and there is a movie out right now called “Captain America”, is that the lay of the land?

Well then, my task is clear. Someone cue the Jimi Hendrix cover of “The Star-Spangled Banner” to play me into the theater.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Directed by: A Man Out of Time.

Starring: The nicest guy in the world, the scariest guy in the world, and the biggest distraction ever to appear onscreen.

Basics:

In this corner: Captain America, democracy, freedom, Big Macs, etc.

In that corner: The Red Skull, fascism, slavery, sauerkraut, etc.

Go.

The Good:

God, this was so much fun.

“Captain America” is not the best movie I’ve seen all year, but it was by far the most enjoyable. This is an old-fashioned, two-fisted action adventure movie in the style of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, and it’s just the most damn fun I’ve had in months. I couldn’t have done it better myself. In fact, I didn’t. Halfway through this I was assaulted by the unwanted recollection that, when I was 18, I wrote a screenplay for a Captain America movie.

It sucked.

We will never speak of it again.

And how could this movie not be good when Joe Johnston have basically been trying to make it for his entire life? Johnston loves the 40s so much he probably hasn’t even heard yet that FDR died. No one has the heart to break it to him. Joe sends up his gung-ho style at the beginning of the second act, but for the most part he plays the pulp sensibilities completely straight without a hint of a wink. It’s damn fun.

So often when these comic book adaptations go awry, fans bemoan how easy it should have been to get right, saying “Why didn’t they just do-”. This is the movie that “just does”, it charts a simple path to success, and then it takes it, and it looks so easy that you have to wonder why people don’t do this more often.

Huh. I really wanna buy war bonds now, for some reason. Do we still have those?

For example, how do you make the audience sympathize with your hero? Well, how about you just make him a good guy? Yeah, that’s right, you could make him an asshole with issues who growls at the camera all the time, like most movies. You could do that. Or you could make him, ya know, heroic. You just can’t not love Chris Evans in this role, he’s so genuine and earnest and non-cynical. Why don’t more movies try this?

On that note, I’ve got this Gordian Knot that’s been giving me trouble, does anyone have any suggestions how to undo it?

In fact, EVERY character in this movie is great. There’s not a toolbox in the bunch. Christ that was refreshing not to have to listen to some whiny wankster piss and moan for two hours. They took Hayley Atwell, Tommy Lee Jones, and Stanley Tucci at the recruiting station, but they gave a 4F to Squall, Edward Cullen, and Harry Potter (sorry Harry, but someone had to say it). Ship off losers, we’ve got fun characters to hang out with.

And then there’s Hugo Weaving...no Mr. Weaving, I wasn’t about to say anything critical about you. No, no, I liked you in this movie, I swear, it was inspired casting, I mean it! Oh God, please, I have kids (somewhere, maybe?), don’t do anything crazy, please sweet Jesus, I like you, I like all of your movies, even “Matrix: Revolutions”! Spare me, spare me!

Nazi Hugo Weaving is my Boggart.

The Bad:

This is a good movie. But only a good movie. It’s never great.

Compare this to, say “Thor”, which is often great, but also uneven. “Captain America” is never uneven, it’s one of the most consistent movies I’ve ever seen, but it never rises to the level of other great superhero movies we’ve seen. It’s good. Maybe even very good. But never more than that.

Our first major set piece is a foot chase turned car chase turned submarine chase (seriously!) that is quite entertaining. But it’s not anything special. It’s fun, but it didn’t wow me. Nothing in the movie really wowed me until the end. It’s never bad, but it engenders good will more than awe, general affection rather than admiration.

“Captain America” plays it safe. To a degree, this is commendable (go back to the “Why didn’t they just-” thing), but a movie that fails to take necessary risks lets itself, and its audience, down.

The plot, utilitarian thing though it is, left me a bit confused. It’s clear that our bad guys are Bad Guys. It’s clear that their evil plan is an Evil Plan. It’s clear that they want to destroy, well, pretty much everything. I’m just not sure why, or exactly how, they’re doing it. Oddly, it seems to have almost nothing to do with the war that is the background for this war movie. Our Nazi bad guys actually quit being Nazis early on. That's just maddeningly unsatisfying. Put on the Reich, damn it!

Miss Atwell appears to be losing the Battle of the Bulge on two fronts. ...I'm sorry.

And can someone please put a muzzle on this movie’s score? It’s like an overbearing mother, or that matchmaker from “Fiddler on the Roof.” Seriously Alan Silvestri, back up about a thousand yards, the movie has got it from here.

The Ugly:

You can say what you want about American society, culture, media, and government, and most of the time I’ll probably agree with you. Even if I don't, I will debate you respectfully, without waving the flag or thumping my chest, cuz, ya know, I'm not a tool.

But if you say something bad about Captain America, as a character...we're gonna have to take this outside. Every man has his limit. This is mine. I love this character. I'm not backing down.

Bottom Line:

I just can’t get over how fun this is.

“Captain America” is disappointing in that it never tries, and subsequently never succeeds, at being anything more than decent. But the consistency with which it is decent, and the obvious wham-bang sense of boyish fun evinced by everything about the production, are incredibly compelling.

I have watched some very good movies this year, and I have watched a couple of truly great movies this year, and almost all of them are, technically, better than “Captain America”, but I would rather watch “Captain America” a second time before returning to any of those.

And yes I know I should have had this done last week. You want reliable scheduling, start paying me.

Trailer Park:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaK6khs8aMw

I know I’ve already crapped on this trailer a couple times, but I just had to make light of that line: “Is that a chimp?” No, it’s not, it’s quite clearly a computer effect. Hard to believe you were fooled at that range. I'm in the audience and I ain't even buying it.

Amazing Spider-Man:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XayxMPrUP4

Oh great, because I’ve always wondered what Spider-Man would be like if he were on a show on the CW produced by Rob Thomas.

Mission Impossible 4:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0LQnQSrC-g

I’d like to present an “You’re Awesome!” award to the guy in our theater who shouted “Oh no!” when Tom Cruise’s face came on screen. That beats the Shyamalan groan in my book.

Next: Oh my yes, it’s finally time. It is time for James Bond and Han Solo to strap on six shooters and fight aliens. I could not be more ready for this. Please God, if you plan on taking me soon, just wait until the end credits. I can go in peace after this.

How to succeed in business while trying way, way too hard.

You know what, hell with it, I'm tired of playing ball when it comes to these job interviews. From now on, I'm just going to march in and say whatever the hell I want. Before you go and say what a great idea that is, consider the kind of person I am and the possible ramifications of this decision.

I could go about this any number of ways:

1. The Jugular: "If you don't hire me, I'm going to go to your boss and offer to do your job for half the pay. Do you want that to happen? You had better make me a counter-offer then."

2. The Shyamalan: "Hire me? Why would you do that? I'm nothing more than an illusion created by your mind..."

3. The Boushh Gambit: "Why should you hire me? Because I'm holding a THERMAL DETONATOR!"

"My hand was covered with an industrial-strength adhesive. If you want to know the proper solvent, I suggest we talk salary options."

4. The Desperation Bid: "What did you say in the interview when they hired you? Come on, let me copy off of you this once, I won't tell anyone!"

5. The Head Game: "If you don't give me this job, I'll just have to tell your boss about all the money you've been embezzling. Who told me about that? Why, you did, just now. You fool! Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly, mua-hahahaha!"

6. The Closer: This is where I walk right into the office and, before the guy even gets up or says hi, I just launch right into my pitch:

"I'm not good at interviews and I don't like a lot of bullshit, so let's just lay it all on the table: I am an unstoppable, fire-breathing, man-eating, brass-balled juggernaut on an out of control collision course with success, and right now you've got two options: you can either get on board, or you can get out of my way."

And then I turn right around and I WALK STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BUILDING, I don't even wait for a response, just a straight line to the exit and I don't slow down until I'm home. And that man will tell my story for the rest of his life.

Summer Mockbusters: Harry Potter.

Okay, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and allow the realization to sink in:

IT'S FUCKING OVER. The whole Harry Potter thing is finally, completely done. No more books, no more movies. There's a video game coming out, but I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, this shit is the final chapter, full stop, no take-backs.

It's not that I dislike the franchise, I just can't deal with its monolithic pop culture status any longer. It's like having an elephant living in your backyard. Sure, it's a beautiful animal, but at some point or another you're tired of it blocking your sun all the time.

Alright, let's put this one to bed.

HARRY POTTER'S INCREDIBLY LONG TITLE

Directed by: The most boring man in Hollywood.

Starring: Do you bloody well have to ask?

Basics:

Harry and his friends must destroy some evil Macguffins while simultaneously pursuing some other, poorly-defined Macguffins for reasons that are never quite explained.

For those not familiar with the term, let me assure you that a Macguffin is unrelated to a Muggle.

The Good:

I said this two years ago and I'm going to keep saying it no matter how many times people look at me funny: I really think Daniel Radcliffe has become a pretty decent actor.

He's a surrogate little brother for the entire movie-watching public in a way that, frankly, creeps me out, but look, he's all grown up and he made good. He's like the kid you played little league with who just got elected mayor, you look at him and kind of shake your head and smile and go "Wow, who woulda thunk it?"

Speaking of accomplished actors, Alan Rickman is a great fucking thespian and it's been one of the most teeth-gnashingly frustrating experiences of my life sitting back for a DECADE and seeing him have virtually nothing to do in these movies. But now finally, FINALLY, one of these damn films delivers a scene worthy of his presence. God bless you Alan, you were a trooper the whole way.

Because you're never too old to be emo.

Those who were bored by last year's HARRY POTTER AND THE LONGEST MOST ANGRY CAMPING TRIP IN THE WORLD will be pleased by the action spectacular this outing. This movie is like mixing "The Wizard of Oz" with "Starship Troopers", then firing them out of a cannon. I think I've got some shell shock and Post Traumatic Stress. Every time a traffic signal turns green I instinctively duck what I think is a Killing Curse coming right at me.

Hardcore Potter fans, let me tell you right now, this movie is yours. Take it, own it, love it, it's the one you've been waiting for, it's the payoff, it's there. To casual or even non-fans, I'd say this one is probably worth your time. You might not know what's going on in it, but that's fine, you can treat it just as a series of context-less action sequences. In fact, that's pretty much what the movie itself does too.

I usually skip the 3D screenings in favor of traditional 2D, but this time I had to go in for a 3D show to fit it into my schedule. To my surprise, the conversion was quite good. It looks like it was legitimately shot in 3D. Even if you normally skip it, this one might be worth the extra three bucks, even if the glasses do make you think you're watching a movie through a dirty fish tank.

No you fools, the Ark is open, don't look at it!

The Bad:

David Yates, how is it that you can take an epic fantasy action adventure and make everything in it look like a Greyhound Bus Station?

This man's movies have the color palate of a locker room floor. I've seen more visually stimulating things with my eyes closed. Here's a drinking game you can play: Every time the primary color on screen is something other than gray, take a shot. By the end credits, you will be STONE FUCKING SOBER.

I really don't think he's a bad director, his movies have a very nice, tight, controlled look and feel, and he employs great cinematographers, but I think he's very poorly suited for this material. And there's a distinct lack of imagination here. At one point toward the end of the film we get a glimpse of what may be the afterlife. What does it look like? Well, it's all white, and there's a bright light. Yeah, really taxed yourself coming up with that one...

This final film has a number of big dramatic moments, and while sometimes the actor powers the moment through, by and large they are misses. Watching David Yates try to direct a pathos-filled scene is like watching Dexter Morgan play with a puppy; the pistons are just not firing. His style of detached, clinical filmmaking will doubtless serve him well with future projects, but it's plain bad here.

Also, is it just me, or is Voldemort really not a scary bad guy? I can't quite put my finger on why, but I was almost ready to laugh at him. There were moments, particularly toward the end when he begins gloating in front of the crowd, that he appeared to be channeling Dr. Evil. It doesn't help that he looks a bit like a cross between Hugh Grant and Sloth from "The Goonies", I might add.

Voldemort does not appreciate the old "Got your nose!" routine.

The Ugly:

You know what? Fuck Harry Potter. Fuck Ron, and fuck Hermione, and fuck all these other characters. I'm repping Neville. Neville is the real hero of this series.

Sure, Harry does some shit, but he has like forty two people watching his back at all times. Neville, no one gives a crap about that kid, no one ever helps him out, hell, no one is ever even nice to him. By rights he should have been the Hogwarts equivalent of Eric Harris and showed up one to class one day with a cauldron full of gasoline bombs.

Swords really aren't the ideal weapon for a high school massacre, but points for style Neville.

But not only did he never freak out, he never even complained, unlike our rather whiny central protagonists. He saves the day on low self esteem, that's an epic-level accomplishment. Why is there no book or movie about him? I want to see that.

Also, have you checked out that actor?

Yeah, that's the same guy. Although to me it looks like the guy on the left said "SHAZAM!" and turned into the guy on the right. Not being weird about it, just saying, damn.

Bottom Line:

This is by far the best of the Yates-directed Harry Potter films, and it represents a culmination not just of storytelling but of the maturing talents of the young cast.

It's the most well-rounded and dramatically satisfying entry in the series, and the most cinematic. In short, it's one of the few Harry Potter stories that really feels like it was worth making a movie out of.

One last closing note: Tom Felton should never grow facial hair. Never.

Trailer Park:

Happy Feet Two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twYq5QkNPKw

Let's get one thing clear America; we are NOT bringing fluffy back.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I really love penguins. I do. However, I am not even slightly interested in this movie. Why? Because there are no penguins in it. Not a one. Rather, there are illustrations meant to resemble penguins, penguin-like imagery designed to evoke a sympathetic relationship with the actual birds. But on a metaphysical level, this movie is penguin-free.

To this studio I say: I rebuff your attempts to manipulate me with your artificial penguin imagery! My postmodern nihilism is not yet advanced enough to allow for the substitution of virtual penguins for real penguins as an exchange of equivalencies. Fie on you, fie I say!

Hugo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR-kP-olcpM

Wow. After "Shutter Island", Scorcese burnt out on himself, and now he's channeling Chris Columbus.

Glee:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ84hXdoZMg

I have NEVER seen a more divisive reaction to a trailer. Strangers in the theater broke into obscenity-laced arguments over it. It was like Anti-Life, I was kind of freaked out.

Next Week: America. Fuck yeah!

Are you fucking serious? Superhero movie edition.

Yes, it's that time again, the time when we take a few moments out of our day to sit down with some of our fellow human beings and ask them the question that they so desperately need to hear:

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"

With the Fourth of July fresh in our memories, I can't help but dwell on how completely, totally, and downright embarrassingly stoked I am about the upcoming "Captain America" movie.

It may shock you to learn though that some people just aren't as pro-America as I am (I being a remorseless pinko Socialist left-wing long-haired San Francisco liberal, of course), to the point that studios are a little worried that Chris Evan's red white and blue routine won't sit as well with the international audiences who account for most of American movie's box office revenues.

To wit:

"Paramount Pictures and Marvel Studios gave distributors around the world the option of shortening the title of 'Captain America: The First Avenger' to simply 'The First Avenger,' out of concern about anti-American sentiment. But the only countries that took them up on it were Russia, Ukraine and South Korea."

Okay, first of all: South Korean, what the fuck? I thought we were cool?

Second of all, I can't remember the last time I heard a dumber business plan that did not involve the phrase "New Coke."

Now, okay, fine, I admit, I get that other countries are probably a little tired of all the self-love and flag waving in American action movies, I totally get that. But I still have to call bullshit on this for two reasons:

1. He's Captain America, this is kind of a special case. "America" is his fucking name, cut us a little slack, wouldja?

2. He's Captain America, do you really think that anyone with anti-American sentiments is going to be fooled just by taking the word "America" out of the title? For fuck's sake, THIS is what the star of the movie is wearing:

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and speculate that no matter what the title is, people are probably going to notice the American flag-themed spandex bodysuit.

And shield.

And MOTORCYCLE.

This is the very definition of a fool's errand. No one will look at that color scheme and think that this movie is about Captain Chile or Captain Cuba or Captain Puerto Rico. Or Captain North Korea, or Captain Samoa, or Captain Panama, or Captain Australia, or-damn, there's a lot of red, white, and blue flags with stars on them.

I mean, look, this is like taking a bunch of Klansman to a Denzel Washington film festival. Even if you don't let them see any of the movie posters beforehand, it will not escape their attention that he is black, not even for a second. He is a black man, black is the color of his skin and these people have eyes and they will put two and two together. Pretty much the same thing here.

So to the folks at Paramount and Marvel studios, as well as those running the Russian, Ukrainian, and South Korean distrubution (et tu, Seoul?), I just have one question for you:

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Summer Mockbusters: Transformers 3.

I skipped last week's major release, "Cars 2", because I just assumed it was about the merits of Chevron with Techron. Instead we move on to this week's big movie, which is about...cars.

Motherfucker.

I am cautiously optimistic about "Transformers 3." Back in 2009 I thought "Transformers 2" was about as bad as a summer movie could get, but then I lived through summer 2010 and learned better. So this is like coming back from war and then confronting the high school bully, he just doesn't scare you like he used to.

And hey, maybe he's changed. Maybe it'll turn out he was an alright guy all along. Yes, maybe...

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (??)

Directed by: The man who brought us the worst movie of Josh Hartnett's career.

Starring: Voice of Peter Cullen, Voice of Frank Welker, Not-voice of Hugo Weaving, roughly half of Hollywood including WASH! and, of course, Shia LaBeouf, this time alongside what appears to be Doc Johnson brand 3-holes Jenna Jameson blowup doll with an accent.

Basics:

Decepticons are assholes. Autobots are chronic absentees. Shia LaBeouf is unemployed (and God do I wish that last part was true.) That is all.

The Good:

First, the backhand: all of the things that were chronically bad about the other movies in this franchise are still present, but to a greatly diminished degree. I know that doesn't sound like much, but really, it's quite an accomplishment, comparatively speaking.

And, okay, look, look, I know I'm supposed to have standards, and I know I'm supposed to be intelligent, but I'm fucking human, okay, I am ONLY human, and there is a certain point where if an action set piece, mindless and crass though it may be, hits a kind of critical mass at which I am forced to say "Holy shit!" as an out loud verbal utterance, well, fine, I confess my weakness, and I will do whatever penance is required of me, but all other things being eventually equal, the fact still remains that "Holy shit!" is the appropriate response.

And it is.

Bumblebee can't believe it costs him seventy bucks to fill his tank these days.

"Transformers 3" is easily the best alien invasion movie in recent memory, and the scenes of mass citywide carnage are wince-inducing. I would even go so far as to say that this is the best of the three "Transformers" movies...although again, that very nearly brings us full circle to the backhand.

The Bad:

I'm starting to think that Michael Bay might have some form of autism.

That's not a joke, I am deadly serious. I think right around the time of the freeway chase in this movie I began to reflect on just how...strange the whole thing felt. It's hard to put my finger on it, but the way that the elements of this movie are arranged doesn't feel like it was constructed by a linear mind.

Imagine if a movie had been storyboarded and edited by Rainman. Actually, you don't have to imagine that, you can see it; this is it.

Everything makes so much more sense if you consider that the guy behind it all might have Asperger syndrome or something. For example, the humor in "Transformers 3"...isn't. It's not humor. It's not...anything that I know of, really. It's one thing to tell a bad joke, it's another if that joke isn't even recognizable as a joke.

I don't think I'm illustrating this concept very clearly, so by way of an example, imagine someone walked up to you and said this:

Him: Knock, knock.

You: Who's there?

Him: Guten tag.

And then just walked away. That's the kind of shit we're talking about here. I couldn't laugh at this movie even if it was funny (which it's not), because it would be like laughing at a person with a concussion. I just plain do not grok any of this.

And here we see Shia assume his alternate form: a candyass.

And here's a sentence I never thought I would write: I agree with Megan Fox. The way that Michael Bay shoots women IS exploitative. The very first thing we see after the opening credits is a shot of Rose Huntington-Whitely's ass. But not just any ass shot, the LONGEST ASS SHOT IN HISTORY.

I don't know what kind of crazy, experimental, fiber optic camera they must have duct taped to the back of this woman's thigh to get the angle they did for as long as they did, but I'd bet that at least four men labored for months to create it. Michael Bay is the Orson Welles of ass shots.

And honestly, I started to get uncomfortable at a certain point. This is just plain degrading. But not in that good way. As for Huntington-Whitely herself, I would recommend some kind of twelve step program for her. Cosmetic Surgery Addicts Anonymous, maybe. Hopefully one day she may again look like a human being rather than a screenshot from "The Sims 3."

The Ugly:

Wow, Optimus is kind of hardcore these days. It's too bad he's only in the movie for about fifteen minutes, because he seems to have finished some kind of dark, tragic character arch offscreen that turned him into the Travis Bickle of the Autobots.

Remember that first movie where he was this passionate idealist who only fought because he had to? Yeah, not so much anymore. Now the guy rolls into Chicago and says "Let's do the village, let's do the whole fucking village!"

The rejected design for the new addition to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art is exiled to the cold, pitiless depths of space.

Bottom Line:

Oh Christ, we're really past the point of opinions now, aren't we? "Transformers 3" isn't a movie you like or dislike, it's a case study in abnormal behavior. Weighing fifty minutes of really superb action versus ninety minutes of otherworldly comedy, whiny, unlikable characters, and plot holes you could run fugitives through, what comes out?

After spending all day thinking about it, I finally came to the conclusion that if this was a good movie, it wouldn't be this hard to say so. And yet, I had a good time. So it's a bad movie that I was happy to watch. Does that make any sense, or has Michael Bay finally drive me completely, irredeemably insane?

Trailer Park:

Abducted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5k7ECYZ-ds

Bourne Identity: The Next Generation.

Harry Potter and the Executive Producer's New Yacht, Part 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NYt1qirBWg

Okay, you hear that voice cue at 1:12, the one that sounds like Ralph Fiennes passing a kidney stone? That audio is used at least four times throughout this 150 second trailer, and it gets more bizarre every time. It's like an effect in some techno song, it just loops and loops and makes less sense every time.