Summer Mockbusters: Harry Potter.

Okay, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and allow the realization to sink in:

IT'S FUCKING OVER. The whole Harry Potter thing is finally, completely done. No more books, no more movies. There's a video game coming out, but I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, this shit is the final chapter, full stop, no take-backs.

It's not that I dislike the franchise, I just can't deal with its monolithic pop culture status any longer. It's like having an elephant living in your backyard. Sure, it's a beautiful animal, but at some point or another you're tired of it blocking your sun all the time.

Alright, let's put this one to bed.

HARRY POTTER'S INCREDIBLY LONG TITLE

Directed by: The most boring man in Hollywood.

Starring: Do you bloody well have to ask?

Basics:

Harry and his friends must destroy some evil Macguffins while simultaneously pursuing some other, poorly-defined Macguffins for reasons that are never quite explained.

For those not familiar with the term, let me assure you that a Macguffin is unrelated to a Muggle.

The Good:

I said this two years ago and I'm going to keep saying it no matter how many times people look at me funny: I really think Daniel Radcliffe has become a pretty decent actor.

He's a surrogate little brother for the entire movie-watching public in a way that, frankly, creeps me out, but look, he's all grown up and he made good. He's like the kid you played little league with who just got elected mayor, you look at him and kind of shake your head and smile and go "Wow, who woulda thunk it?"

Speaking of accomplished actors, Alan Rickman is a great fucking thespian and it's been one of the most teeth-gnashingly frustrating experiences of my life sitting back for a DECADE and seeing him have virtually nothing to do in these movies. But now finally, FINALLY, one of these damn films delivers a scene worthy of his presence. God bless you Alan, you were a trooper the whole way.

Because you're never too old to be emo.

Those who were bored by last year's HARRY POTTER AND THE LONGEST MOST ANGRY CAMPING TRIP IN THE WORLD will be pleased by the action spectacular this outing. This movie is like mixing "The Wizard of Oz" with "Starship Troopers", then firing them out of a cannon. I think I've got some shell shock and Post Traumatic Stress. Every time a traffic signal turns green I instinctively duck what I think is a Killing Curse coming right at me.

Hardcore Potter fans, let me tell you right now, this movie is yours. Take it, own it, love it, it's the one you've been waiting for, it's the payoff, it's there. To casual or even non-fans, I'd say this one is probably worth your time. You might not know what's going on in it, but that's fine, you can treat it just as a series of context-less action sequences. In fact, that's pretty much what the movie itself does too.

I usually skip the 3D screenings in favor of traditional 2D, but this time I had to go in for a 3D show to fit it into my schedule. To my surprise, the conversion was quite good. It looks like it was legitimately shot in 3D. Even if you normally skip it, this one might be worth the extra three bucks, even if the glasses do make you think you're watching a movie through a dirty fish tank.

No you fools, the Ark is open, don't look at it!

The Bad:

David Yates, how is it that you can take an epic fantasy action adventure and make everything in it look like a Greyhound Bus Station?

This man's movies have the color palate of a locker room floor. I've seen more visually stimulating things with my eyes closed. Here's a drinking game you can play: Every time the primary color on screen is something other than gray, take a shot. By the end credits, you will be STONE FUCKING SOBER.

I really don't think he's a bad director, his movies have a very nice, tight, controlled look and feel, and he employs great cinematographers, but I think he's very poorly suited for this material. And there's a distinct lack of imagination here. At one point toward the end of the film we get a glimpse of what may be the afterlife. What does it look like? Well, it's all white, and there's a bright light. Yeah, really taxed yourself coming up with that one...

This final film has a number of big dramatic moments, and while sometimes the actor powers the moment through, by and large they are misses. Watching David Yates try to direct a pathos-filled scene is like watching Dexter Morgan play with a puppy; the pistons are just not firing. His style of detached, clinical filmmaking will doubtless serve him well with future projects, but it's plain bad here.

Also, is it just me, or is Voldemort really not a scary bad guy? I can't quite put my finger on why, but I was almost ready to laugh at him. There were moments, particularly toward the end when he begins gloating in front of the crowd, that he appeared to be channeling Dr. Evil. It doesn't help that he looks a bit like a cross between Hugh Grant and Sloth from "The Goonies", I might add.

Voldemort does not appreciate the old "Got your nose!" routine.

The Ugly:

You know what? Fuck Harry Potter. Fuck Ron, and fuck Hermione, and fuck all these other characters. I'm repping Neville. Neville is the real hero of this series.

Sure, Harry does some shit, but he has like forty two people watching his back at all times. Neville, no one gives a crap about that kid, no one ever helps him out, hell, no one is ever even nice to him. By rights he should have been the Hogwarts equivalent of Eric Harris and showed up one to class one day with a cauldron full of gasoline bombs.

Swords really aren't the ideal weapon for a high school massacre, but points for style Neville.

But not only did he never freak out, he never even complained, unlike our rather whiny central protagonists. He saves the day on low self esteem, that's an epic-level accomplishment. Why is there no book or movie about him? I want to see that.

Also, have you checked out that actor?

Yeah, that's the same guy. Although to me it looks like the guy on the left said "SHAZAM!" and turned into the guy on the right. Not being weird about it, just saying, damn.

Bottom Line:

This is by far the best of the Yates-directed Harry Potter films, and it represents a culmination not just of storytelling but of the maturing talents of the young cast.

It's the most well-rounded and dramatically satisfying entry in the series, and the most cinematic. In short, it's one of the few Harry Potter stories that really feels like it was worth making a movie out of.

One last closing note: Tom Felton should never grow facial hair. Never.

Trailer Park:

Happy Feet Two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twYq5QkNPKw

Let's get one thing clear America; we are NOT bringing fluffy back.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I really love penguins. I do. However, I am not even slightly interested in this movie. Why? Because there are no penguins in it. Not a one. Rather, there are illustrations meant to resemble penguins, penguin-like imagery designed to evoke a sympathetic relationship with the actual birds. But on a metaphysical level, this movie is penguin-free.

To this studio I say: I rebuff your attempts to manipulate me with your artificial penguin imagery! My postmodern nihilism is not yet advanced enough to allow for the substitution of virtual penguins for real penguins as an exchange of equivalencies. Fie on you, fie I say!

Hugo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR-kP-olcpM

Wow. After "Shutter Island", Scorcese burnt out on himself, and now he's channeling Chris Columbus.

Glee:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ84hXdoZMg

I have NEVER seen a more divisive reaction to a trailer. Strangers in the theater broke into obscenity-laced arguments over it. It was like Anti-Life, I was kind of freaked out.

Next Week: America. Fuck yeah!