How to succeed in business while trying way, way too hard.

You know what, hell with it, I'm tired of playing ball when it comes to these job interviews. From now on, I'm just going to march in and say whatever the hell I want. Before you go and say what a great idea that is, consider the kind of person I am and the possible ramifications of this decision.

I could go about this any number of ways:

1. The Jugular: "If you don't hire me, I'm going to go to your boss and offer to do your job for half the pay. Do you want that to happen? You had better make me a counter-offer then."

2. The Shyamalan: "Hire me? Why would you do that? I'm nothing more than an illusion created by your mind..."

3. The Boushh Gambit: "Why should you hire me? Because I'm holding a THERMAL DETONATOR!"

"My hand was covered with an industrial-strength adhesive. If you want to know the proper solvent, I suggest we talk salary options."

4. The Desperation Bid: "What did you say in the interview when they hired you? Come on, let me copy off of you this once, I won't tell anyone!"

5. The Head Game: "If you don't give me this job, I'll just have to tell your boss about all the money you've been embezzling. Who told me about that? Why, you did, just now. You fool! Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly, mua-hahahaha!"

6. The Closer: This is where I walk right into the office and, before the guy even gets up or says hi, I just launch right into my pitch:

"I'm not good at interviews and I don't like a lot of bullshit, so let's just lay it all on the table: I am an unstoppable, fire-breathing, man-eating, brass-balled juggernaut on an out of control collision course with success, and right now you've got two options: you can either get on board, or you can get out of my way."

And then I turn right around and I WALK STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BUILDING, I don't even wait for a response, just a straight line to the exit and I don't slow down until I'm home. And that man will tell my story for the rest of his life.