I skipped last week's major release, "Cars 2", because I just assumed it was about the merits of Chevron with Techron. Instead we move on to this week's big movie, which is about...cars.
Motherfucker.
I am cautiously optimistic about "Transformers 3." Back in 2009 I thought "Transformers 2" was about as bad as a summer movie could get, but then I lived through summer 2010 and learned better. So this is like coming back from war and then confronting the high school bully, he just doesn't scare you like he used to.
And hey, maybe he's changed. Maybe it'll turn out he was an alright guy all along. Yes, maybe...
Transformers: Dark of the Moon (??)
Directed by: The man who brought us the worst movie of Josh Hartnett's career.
Starring: Voice of Peter Cullen, Voice of Frank Welker, Not-voice of Hugo Weaving, roughly half of Hollywood including WASH! and, of course, Shia LaBeouf, this time alongside what appears to be Doc Johnson brand 3-holes Jenna Jameson blowup doll with an accent.
Basics:
Decepticons are assholes. Autobots are chronic absentees. Shia LaBeouf is unemployed (and God do I wish that last part was true.) That is all.
The Good:
First, the backhand: all of the things that were chronically bad about the other movies in this franchise are still present, but to a greatly diminished degree. I know that doesn't sound like much, but really, it's quite an accomplishment, comparatively speaking.
And, okay, look, look, I know I'm supposed to have standards, and I know I'm supposed to be intelligent, but I'm fucking human, okay, I am ONLY human, and there is a certain point where if an action set piece, mindless and crass though it may be, hits a kind of critical mass at which I am forced to say "Holy shit!" as an out loud verbal utterance, well, fine, I confess my weakness, and I will do whatever penance is required of me, but all other things being eventually equal, the fact still remains that "Holy shit!" is the appropriate response.
And it is.
Bumblebee can't believe it costs him seventy bucks to fill his tank these days.
"Transformers 3" is easily the best alien invasion movie in recent memory, and the scenes of mass citywide carnage are wince-inducing. I would even go so far as to say that this is the best of the three "Transformers" movies...although again, that very nearly brings us full circle to the backhand.
The Bad:
I'm starting to think that Michael Bay might have some form of autism.
That's not a joke, I am deadly serious. I think right around the time of the freeway chase in this movie I began to reflect on just how...strange the whole thing felt. It's hard to put my finger on it, but the way that the elements of this movie are arranged doesn't feel like it was constructed by a linear mind.
Imagine if a movie had been storyboarded and edited by Rainman. Actually, you don't have to imagine that, you can see it; this is it.
Everything makes so much more sense if you consider that the guy behind it all might have Asperger syndrome or something. For example, the humor in "Transformers 3"...isn't. It's not humor. It's not...anything that I know of, really. It's one thing to tell a bad joke, it's another if that joke isn't even recognizable as a joke.
I don't think I'm illustrating this concept very clearly, so by way of an example, imagine someone walked up to you and said this:
Him: Knock, knock.
You: Who's there?
Him: Guten tag.
And then just walked away. That's the kind of shit we're talking about here. I couldn't laugh at this movie even if it was funny (which it's not), because it would be like laughing at a person with a concussion. I just plain do not grok any of this.
And here we see Shia assume his alternate form: a candyass.
And here's a sentence I never thought I would write: I agree with Megan Fox. The way that Michael Bay shoots women IS exploitative. The very first thing we see after the opening credits is a shot of Rose Huntington-Whitely's ass. But not just any ass shot, the LONGEST ASS SHOT IN HISTORY.
I don't know what kind of crazy, experimental, fiber optic camera they must have duct taped to the back of this woman's thigh to get the angle they did for as long as they did, but I'd bet that at least four men labored for months to create it. Michael Bay is the Orson Welles of ass shots.
And honestly, I started to get uncomfortable at a certain point. This is just plain degrading. But not in that good way. As for Huntington-Whitely herself, I would recommend some kind of twelve step program for her. Cosmetic Surgery Addicts Anonymous, maybe. Hopefully one day she may again look like a human being rather than a screenshot from "The Sims 3."
The Ugly:
Wow, Optimus is kind of hardcore these days. It's too bad he's only in the movie for about fifteen minutes, because he seems to have finished some kind of dark, tragic character arch offscreen that turned him into the Travis Bickle of the Autobots.
Remember that first movie where he was this passionate idealist who only fought because he had to? Yeah, not so much anymore. Now the guy rolls into Chicago and says "Let's do the village, let's do the whole fucking village!"
The rejected design for the new addition to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art is exiled to the cold, pitiless depths of space.
Bottom Line:
Oh Christ, we're really past the point of opinions now, aren't we? "Transformers 3" isn't a movie you like or dislike, it's a case study in abnormal behavior. Weighing fifty minutes of really superb action versus ninety minutes of otherworldly comedy, whiny, unlikable characters, and plot holes you could run fugitives through, what comes out?
After spending all day thinking about it, I finally came to the conclusion that if this was a good movie, it wouldn't be this hard to say so. And yet, I had a good time. So it's a bad movie that I was happy to watch. Does that make any sense, or has Michael Bay finally drive me completely, irredeemably insane?
Trailer Park:
Abducted:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5k7ECYZ-ds
Bourne Identity: The Next Generation.
Harry Potter and the Executive Producer's New Yacht, Part 2:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NYt1qirBWg
Okay, you hear that voice cue at 1:12, the one that sounds like Ralph Fiennes passing a kidney stone? That audio is used at least four times throughout this 150 second trailer, and it gets more bizarre every time. It's like an effect in some techno song, it just loops and loops and makes less sense every time.
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