Something wicked this way comes.

So, did the prime minister of Italy really read a book that scared him so badly he made it illegal, or are the publishers of said book just shockingly unscrupulous? It really does have to be one or the other, there's no third option on this thing.

Now, Silvio Berlusconi is automatically a person of dubious character just based on the fact that he thinks being prime minister of Italy is a good idea. Italy has had 38 prime ministers in 63 years, meaning that office has a shelf life better suited to dairy products. What person in his right mind looks at that track record and says "You know the problem with those 38 guys? None of them were me!"

Add to this the fact that Berlusconi is the only sitting world leader whose Wikipedia page has to have a chart differentiating the dozens of criminal trials he's been the defendant in, including THREE cases still pending, and you've really got to wonder if this isn't the sort of person you should even trust to lead a line dance, much less a nation.

At left, the plaintiff; at right, Berlusconi.

So that's Berlusconi. In the other corner we have the editors and distributors of a book called "Thirteen", a collection of horror stories that has been called the scariest book ever written, although the people calling it that are almost always the people who wrote and distributed it.

The marketing around this thing leaves something to be desired in terms of tact and good taste. For example, they consistently try to perpetuate a rumor that the compiler disappeared shortly after the book was published. Another rumor holds that the man actually legally changed his name to help perpetuate this fiction. You may notice that nothing being used to promote this book has anything to do with its merits, which, speaking as a person who had read it, is not surprising.

So what's the overlap here? Apparently Berlusconi read "Thirteen", or more specifically its infamous (again, a self-applied term) first story "The Magic" and was scared so badly that he outlawed it in Italy. Supposedly this decision was rooted in a legitimate belief on his part that the story invokes certain "powers", which I shall not detail for the sake of remaining spoiler free.

Berlusconi's cabinet have repeatedly asked him to stop opening meetings this way.

Pretty nuts, huh? But the question on my mind is whether this Berlusconi story is legit. See, the only sources I can find that cite the supposed censorship are ones that come from the publisher's channels. There doesn't seem to be a single real news article about it.

Their YouTube channel does show a press conference where Berlusconi supposedly defends the censorship to some feisty protestors and reporters. I don't speak a word of Italian, and anyone who does could easily kick my knees right out from under me on this, but I have a suspicion that the subtitles on that video are not legitimate. I really honestly think that the publishers of "Thirteen" manufactured the whole thing. I admit, that's speculation, but the whole thing does smell fishy, doesn't it?

We all know that most people will believe anything they read on the internet. We have all, at one point or another, been suckered. My knee-jerk reaction was to swallow this story whole, if for no other reason than, ya know, it's Berlusconi. Only when I was in the midst of writing a piece on it did it occur to me that the whole thing might be bullshit. I still don't know one way or the other, but really it doesn't matter, because no matter what my first instinct should have been skepticism, and it wasn't, and that's a problem.

For example, I'm starting to suspect that that's not a real rabbit. Something about it just seems off to me...

Oh, are you wondering about the story? Well, I won't spoil it, but I gotta tell ya, I wasn't impressed. I mean, it's a cute stunt I guess, but that kind of thing was more effective as, say, a chain email from 2001 or so. I find regional Italian politics a hell of a lot scarier, but to be fair, that's just true of most horror stories.

Hang on, I have to go let the rabbit in.

Summer Mockbusters: Last Call.

You may have noticed that I watch a lot of movies. But you don't even know the half of it.

Usually I only bother to write about wide release movies that are accompanied by big marketing campaigns, but since theater-going is rather a compulsion for me, I'm prone to wander into anything with a cool-looking poster. Such as:

13 Assassins:

Takashi Miike releases, and I'm not kidding when I say this, four or five movies every year. Most of them are straight to DVD, and he has, well, let's call it a divisive style, which is to say that some people think he's brilliant, and other people think he's the anti-Christ and want to eat his children.

Critics.

Not being a fan myself, I almost passed up the chance to see this American release of his 2010 historical war drama about a dozen plus one guys plotting to off the Shogun's brother. But as it turns out, "13 Assassins" might be the best movie ever made in which a man is set on fire and then split in two with a sword. And that's saying a lot.

I admit, I didn't think Miike could make a movie this good. I feel like I should apologize, but according to this film that would mean ritually disemboweling myself while someone else cuts off my head. So we're going to pass on that.

"Yes, the line for the midnight screening starts here, and no, we will not save your place."

Midnight in Paris:

Really, how could I not see a movie with that title? And it's got Marion Cotillard too. I didn't stand a chance.

This Woody Allen-directed romantic comedy tells the story of a disaffected writer who is, somehow, sent back in time to Jazz Age era Paris, where he parties with Ernest Hemingway and Gertrude Stein and begins to question whether he really belongs in his own time.

The cast is full of startling look-alikes for period writers and artists (Tom Hiddleston looks so much like F. Scott Fitzgerald that it frankly scared the shit out of me), many of which are Oscar-worthy despite being all of five minutes long. As it turns out, Adrian Brody is even better at being Salvador Dali than he is at being Adrian Brody.

This is the first Allen movie in a long time that has the trademark dry wit and self-conscious craftsmanship of his stuff from the 70s. It's also the first movie in a long that has made me want to not kill Owen Wilson. That deserves an Oscar category in itself.

That shoulder never had it so good. I want to cut it off and preserve it so that her smell never fades. Is that weird?

The Tree of Life:

Oh man. This is gonna get rough.

The latest passion project from auteur's auteur Terrence Malick, a man I once referred to as a cross between James Lipton and the serial killer from "Seven", "The Tree of Life" might be the most contentious movie released in decades.

Most people lose patience with the movie when its primary plot, about a kid growing up under the harsh tutelage of his father, Brad Pitt, and the more holistic, nurturing guidance of his mother, Jessica Chastain, suddenly and inexplicably goes into a holding pattern so that we can instead watch asteroids and jellyfish float around to classical music.

Then there's some desert footage. Then a volcano. Then there's dinosaurs. Yes, fucking dinosaurs show up. This goes on for a while. Like, twenty minutes, at least. I actually have an opinion on what this all means and how it relates to the movie’s ostensible plot, but I think most people don’t care.

That “The Tree of Life” is a gorgeous movie goes without saying, and I ended up liking its gauzy, breathless cinematography and indirect storytelling style in spite of myself. That said, Malick might need a punch in the face, for his own good. But I’ll punch him with my thumb up in tribute to the quality of his work.

"Now son, place your arm so that you're restricting my carotid artery and I will pass out. Once your enemy is unconscious, show no mercy."

Hobo with a Shotgun:

I just like saying the title of this one, particularly after having to talk about "The Tree of Life." It's really not a good movie at all, but that's okay because, well, it's "Hobo with a Shotgun."

Trollhunter:

Oh my yes, this is a real thing.

This faux documentary centers on a man-shaped slab of cragginess and gallows humor named Hans who works for the Norwegian government, secretly policing the country's wild troll population. Yes.

What might not be apparent from the (truly awesome) trailer for "Trollhunter" is that the movie is a dark comedy. From this film we learn that you can add the word "troll" to ANY sentence and automatically make it hilarious. Have you ever wondered whether the phrase "I'm throwing out some Christian man's blood!" could possibly be funny in any context? Wonder no more.

"Midnight in Paris" is likely the best movie of the year to date, but "Trollhunter" is by far my favorite.

This is Norwegian for "badass."

Conan O'Brien Can't Stop:

A documentary covering the six months of Conan O'Brien's life after he left the Tonight Show and was legally barred from appearing on television. To my disappointment, he did not spend the time hunting wild trolls.

The movie ends up being a really, really, REALLY weird portrait of celebrity. On the one hand, Conan comes off as quite an ass sometimes, throwing prima donna fits and running down his staff (whose entire lives revolve around him) with hilarious abusive monologues at their expense.

On the other hand, he's constantly charming and funny even when he's being a dick, and he seems to be acutely aware of these personality defects even while, as the title suggests, he seems incapable of doing anything about it. The net result is that, as one critic put it, Conan comes off as “the world’s nicest narcissist.”

Oh, and it’s funny too. Case you wondered.

"Tensions run high on day four of the hostage crisis. O'Brien refuses to release his audience until they've heard all 3454 verse of his new song about cats. UN Peacekeepers have surrounded the auditorium."

Tabloid:

And now, a movie about a crazy ex model who kidnapped a Mormon missionary and chained him to a bed in a remote cottage for the weekend. And then shit got really weird.

Yeah, the 70s were fucking nuts.

This documentary about a particularly sordid tabloid sex scandal some decades ago lacks comprehensiveness; of all the dozens of reporters (I use the term loosely here) who made a killing writing about these sordid exploits, the filmmakers only seem to have interviewed one. Though the events of the film captivated and repulsed thousands, only half a dozen people are consulted by the documentarians.

But the more these men talk, the more it becomes clear why they were picked: they are all clearly still obsessed with the woman at the center of the whole mess. Even thirty years later, even all firmly aware that she is, in the words of the reporter, "barking mad", she still has a kind of magnetic allure that they clearly can't shake.

The subject of the film is less what she did to make headlines so much as the magic mojo she used to make it all possible. It’s also about cloned pit bulls. Yes, really, and no, I’m not sure why.

They had to fotoshop in the sweater.

Another Earth:

I was on the edge of my seat waiting for this movie because of it's awe-inspiring premise: scientists discover mirror planet, identical to ours in every way, including the population. It’s a second earth with a second you on it somewhere. A woman full of regret tries to win the chance to travel to "Earth 2" and meet her other self, in the hopes that this other woman will have made better decisions with her (their) life and, hopefully, give her closure.

Compelling stuff, isn't it? Too bad the movie itself is such a big, dull dud. It appears that someone, somewhere had a dull, depressing, unpleasant character drama all written out but then realized, in a flash of uncharacteristic lucidity, that no one would ever want to watch it.

To solve the conundrum, he married it to that really awesome low-fi sci-fi idea described above, and what we've got is a great premise held hostage by a story that's only slightly more pleasant to sit through than your average police interrogation. It seems that the filmmakers felt it was necessary for the audience to hate these characters as much as the characters hate themselves.

I'll say one thing for "Another Earth", it certainly communicates angst and quiet desperation. Namely, yours.

As it turns out, that's neither a moon nor a space station.

Point Blank:

I think when a lot of people imagine contemporary French cinema, they think of something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-uQWNd540I

But most French movies I watch are like "Point Blank", a tense, engaging, competently-made, beautifully executed action thriller. A normal guy wakes up one day to find that his wife has been kidnapped and that her abductors have given him until noon to spring a suspect from police custody if he ever wants to see her again.

This is just the first of his many problems.

American movies of this type tend to cop out on the "normal guy" part. You can never really buy Harrison Ford or Liam Neeson as ordinary people, nor do their movies really try to sell them to you on those grounds, no matter what the plot summary says. They're not people, they're stars.

Gilles Lellouche on the other hand, he's the real deal. You can't help but accept that he's an ordinary man in an extraordinary situation. The film's tension comes from your very legitimate concern that he's just barely keeping his head above water and that the next wave might crush him.

There's not much tension, and consequently not much fun, in watching Jason Bourne trounce mooks who are clearly unqualified to be fighting him. The charm of "Point Blank" is that it's an underdog story. Lellouche has no great plan, no master strategy, he can only live minute to minute and pursue his goal with all of the tenacity that is not more immediately occupied with keeping himself alive; however much that may be at the time.

My only regret is that he didn’t take a minute to go put two rounds through the heads of the cast of “Another Earth.” C’est la vie.

"Yes, I realize this is an outstanding, once in a lifetime cellular service offer, but this really, really not a good time."

Grave Encounters:

As late August turns into early September, studios start unloading their horror movies on us. This piece of geist follows the crew of a cheesy, "Ghosthunters"-style show as they are locked into a haunted insane asylum for an all-night shoot. Because that sounds like a great idea, right?

"Grave Encounters" features some of the most unintentionally hilarious "scares" of any movie I've ever seen. I almost pissed myself laughing. I'm not usually cynical about horror movies, I'm not one of those people who think that they're too cool for movie scares, but there's just no way to take this seriously.

I feel bad shitting on the filmmakers, since they plainly did the best they could with their resources, but “Grave Encounters” only has two modes; boring and unintentionally funny. This style of horror movie has come a long way since “The Blair Witch Project”, but you wouldn’t know it from “Grave Encounters”, which repeats the mistakes of that decade-old film without apology.

"Yes, some pain is normal after wisdom tooth removal. Just take the antibiotics and call us if the swelling doesn't go down."

Yellowbrickroad:

Yes, that's "Yellow Brick Road", all as one word, and don't think that poor Google doesn't just have a damn breakdown over that one.

Once upon a time, indie horror flicks like this and "Grave Encounters" did the festival tour and, failing to scare up support for a wide release, defaulted to DVD and thus spared us all.

But "Paranormal Activity" (a much better film than either of these, for what it's worth) created a new model through which filmmakers basically just agitate for a release through viral marketing hoping to build up demand directly with an audience. If all else fails, nag your way into theaters.

Hence, "Yellowbrickroad", which offers a premise so tantalizing that it's almost impossible for the average person not to want to see it, which of course was the plan all along: In 1940, the residents of a small town pick up and leave en masse without a word, marching off along an obscure hiking trail into the wilderness, never to be heard from again.

Decades later, our plucky team of researchers follows their path in hopes of discovering the reason for their ghostly exodus, finding mystery, madness, and existential terror along the way.

Admit it, you want to know what happens. Who wouldn't? The problem? We never find out. The damn movie is just a cocktease.

What we get instead is quality time with annoying characters who become even more unpleasant as they go insane. And lord how I envied them. Had I gone crazy too, I might not have suddenly had enough sense to stop watching.

Cast or audience? Tough call.

Summer Mockbusters: Conan the Barbarian.

Did you know that if you let prepubescent boys read Robert E. Howard’s Conan stories, they will actually begin puberty right then and there? It’s like clockwork.

Most people probably only know the Schwarzenegger “Conan” movies, which is a shame, because they’re really not at all like the pulp stories. They’re not as much fun, they’re not nearly as inventive, and they don’t do much to endear you to the character.

On the plus side though, they do lack the galloping racism of Howard’s fiction. Yeah, it was the 30s and he was from Texas, what’re you gonna do?

Now we have a “Conan the Barbarian” for a new generation. I hope these filmmakers know what they’re doing. Not just anyone can stand on top of a pile of skulls with his hair hanging in his face. I know Glenn Danzig makes it look easy, but that’s just his gift.

Conan the Barbarian

Directed by: A guy who had the good sense not to direct “End of Days.”

Starring: Hellboy, Cherry Darling, Stephen Lang’s Testosterone, and a man who has basically been cosplaying Conan for his entire career.

Basics:

Conan is pissed that someone killed his father, Ron Perlman. I’m pissed too. Ron Perlman totally deserved a bigger role than that.

The Good:

So, tell me something: do you like sword fights?

If you said yes, I may have a movie for you to check out. If you said no...go watch "The Help."

Conan does exactly three things: he fights, he travels to other fights, and now and then he stops to pick up one of the many gratuitously naked women who decorate his movie for no apparent reason. That's pretty much his day.

One of the few times we even see him sleep he's woken up by a swordfight (also known as the "Cimmerian alarm clock"). It must be nice to be doing what you love in life.

For reference, I've compiled a short list of things less bloody than "Conan the Barbarian":

-Raw red meat.

-Invasive surgery.

-Dracula's bowel movement.

-A hemophiliac on cocaine who falls into a dumpster full of liquor bottles.

-A big swimming pool full of blood.

Conan totally stole my hairstyle.

But Adam, you say, (you did just say that, right, I'm not hearing voices again?) is this movie really just about gratuitous violence? To which I assure you, no.

There's also gratuitous nudity.

Conan in this movie is Jason Momoa, who has been playing Conan by any other name for his entire life. Momoa is plainly not a good actor, but then, the bar was set by Schwarzenegger here.

The heavy lifting is done by Stephen Lang, who destroys the scenery and is accompanied by Rose McGowan looking like a GWAR groupie and acting like David Cronenberg's ultimate wet dream. It‘s like they read my diary.

Visually, the movie is phenomenal. Fantasy art fans will be wanking off Peewee Herman-style in their seats, because there are moments when Conan just walks straight into a Frank Frazetta painting. There are about twelve scenes from this movie that I want painted on my van, assuming I had a van and no shame.

<"You know, I thought that the water from this well had kind of a calamari aftertaste.">

Did I mention that Conan kills shit in this movie? He does. A lot. I really can't stress that enough.

The Bad:

Plainly I did not expect "Conan" to be a smart movie. In fact, I would have been a trifle disappointed if it was. Even so, there's no reason for it to be strictly this dumb.

How dumb are we talking? The first we see of Conan is in utero, while his nine month's pregnant mother is fighting barbarians. Yes, she's sword fighting while enormously pregnant. While wearing what we can only call "maternity armor."

Naturally, circumstances shortly require that Conan's father (Ron Perlman, of course. Who the hell else was it gonna be?) perform an emergency "Cimmerian section" with his sword, and we get treated to Conan's naked, blood-covered, umbilicus-wielding newborn visage.

There's a fight going on during all of this, of course.

I realize that for a certain value of the word, the above scene sounds good, but it's really not. This movie just doesn't sell that moment, and this movie above all needs to be the kind of movie that sells that moment, because if it isn't, there's almost no reason for it to exist.

Granted, "Conan" never gets that stupid again, but even once is too often.

<"I think I dated this chick briefly in college. I'll be honest, if she called, I'd pick up the phone.>

Unbelievably, "Conan" is over-written. Despite the fact that if you compiled all of the footage that is not people getting disemboweled you wouldn’t have enough to fill a flipbook, somehow or another they managed to make the story too complicated, mucking around with magic mask that is created and destroyed and recreated in the first ten minutes of the film, and then does not much for the rest of it.

It’s hardly a spoiler to tell you that Conan’s father dies. You should be able to guess this before you even sit down, and even if you sdidn’t it’ll be clear within five minutes (and then he’ll be dead five minutes later).

Given how this is an, um, given, you’d think we could get on with it, but no, the man takes FOREVER to die. I’ve seen people die more expeditiously in real life. The audience has places to be and they know perfectly well how this is going to turn out, so please, any day now.

Hard to say exactly where Ron Perlman sits in the fossil record.

The Ugly:

I hope Jason Momoa keeps picking up former Arnold roles.

I can’t wait to see a remake of “Twins” with him and the guy who played McLovin in “Superbad”, or maybe have him sit there with his trademark look of dull surprise w/ heavy eyebrows while watching Amanda Seyfried poledance in a “True Lies” remake.

This guy is pretty much just Arnold, slightly prettier and with better hair. I can support that. He’s not Arnold 2.0, he’s just Arnold 1.2. A patch, if you will. Same Arnold that you know, but with better security, fewer bugs, and less speech therapy required.

Please update your drivers.

Bottom Line:

I really should have better taste than this.

Alas, I don’t.

Look, I’ve seen three movies this week. The other two were both subtitled, one was Spanish and the other French, and one was directed by Luis Bunuel. I can like “Conan the Barbarian” and still keep my elitist snob credentials.

Believe me, I’ve earned this. I earned this with every second of “Tree of Life.” Each of which are like two and a half second of a normal movie, or three and a quarter seconds of this movie.

I heard someone call this a “nacho eating” movie, but that’s accurate only if you substitute your enemy’s blood for cheese. And the chips are ground from your enemy’s bones. And the chili is composed chiefly of, well, you get the idea.

I live. I love. I watch. I am content.

Trailer Park:

The Thing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCHuSKnFYzY&feature=related

Those who are pissed at the idea of remaking John Carpenter’s “The Thing” (possibly the greatest horror film of all time) have no legs to stand on once they remember that Carpenter’s “The Thing” was also, technically, a remake. Ouch.

Immortals:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VdONYkKFmQ

The people behind this movie seem to think that I’ll root for Henry Cavill over Mickey Rourke. In other words, these people don’t know shit about me, or about Mickey Rourke.

Ghost Rider 2:

No.

Just, no.

I’m not even linking. This isn’t happening. We will never speak of it again. NEVER.

Next Week: Nothing. It’s late August, the summer schedule is finished, and so am I.

Time to sit back for the standard slew of September and October Hollywood horror movies and then it’s award movie season starting in November. And so the great Circle of Life turns on and on and on.

Summer Mockbusters: Cowboys & Aliens

It's really hard to believe that it took so long for this movie to get made.

I blame myself, really. Surely I had this same idea when I was eleven and then forgot about it? Possibly while buzzed on Otter Pops and Capri Suns? Artificial sweeteners ruined my screenwriting career, is what I'm saying.

Cowboys & Aliens

Directed by: A guy who is so money and he doesn't even know it.

Starring: James Bond, Indiana Jones, Zaphod Beeblebrox, the priest from "There Will be Blood", and then Olivia Wilde, who has actually never done a good movie I can cite.

Basics:

What? Didn't you read the title?

The Good:

You might be surprised to learn that "Cowboys & Aliens" is, despite its genre-blending gimmick, really just a good old-fashioned Western in its own right. Granted, its pretty much every Western you've ever seen, with every stock character you've ever seen, but then again, that's the whole point.

Really hard to understand how no one had ever yet put Daniel Craig or Harrison Ford in those cowboy hats before. The only parts those two guys are equipped to play better are Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. Craig is naturally stoic and taciturn, and Harrison Ford was, apparently, possessed by the spirit of Harlan Ellison a few years back, giving him superhuman curmudgeonliness.

"Really? You're texting me now? This is the worst possible time."

There's two ways to play this premise, seriously or as a gag. "Cowboys & Aliens" is completely non-ironic about its story. The sci fi elements lean towards Ridley Scott-style sci fi horror rather than the Paul Verhoeven-style action-fi you might expect. If "True Grit" had a drunken one night stand with "The Thing", "Cowboys & Aliens" would be what got aborted three months later (I'm sorry, but there's just no way that thing would come to term).

And damn, what a cast. When I was watching "Captain America" I kept thinking stuff like: "This has got everyone in it except for XYZ." Turns out, X, Y, and Z were doing this movie instead. Probably the two productions split the talent pool between them, which I guess explains why "Green Lantern" ended up with the cast that it did.

The Bad:

I still don't get the big deal about Olivia Wilde. Some people complain that I don't like any young actresses working today, but that's not true. I just don't like the ones that Hollywood likes, the ones whose only talent is looking pretty while having no verifiable facial expression between occasional smiling and default dull surprise.

"Unless you're here to offer me a refund for 'Tron: Legacy' you best keep moving, missy."

She has crazy electric eyes that freak me out. So does Daniel Craig. Anytime they looked at one another, I was afraid they might be crossing the streams.

"Cowboys & Aliens" is fun and all, but if you look past John Favreua's dynamic directing and the (mostly) great casting decisions, you'll find it's not a great script. Not a terrible one either, but the kind of thing that feels like it was written between drafts of someone's passion project adaptation of "The Silmarillion" ("Wait, which group of elves is this again?") and the Sci Fi Channel movie of the week that pays their bills ("Croco-saurus-octo-geddon 2?").

Really, it's a barely average story that, by dint of its wonderfully over the top premise, was lucky enough to attract outsize talent.

And how many times do we have to go over this: your computer-generated creatures look good in the dark and when they're moving naturally. Put them in broad daylight and have them hopping around like lemurs on meth and you're not fooling anyone.

"Ford, I swear to God, if you say 'Well that's not bad, but you're still no Sean Connnery,' one more time, the next one goes through your head."

The Ugly:

Other genre mash-ups I'd like to see:

Ninjas vs Pirates vs Space Marines.

When Harry Met Nessie (that's a rom com/creature feature).

Tyler Perry's House of Frankenstein.

Hobbit Hangover.

Bottom Line:

"Cowboys & Aliens" has the bad luck of coming out toward the end of (and I can't believe I'm saying this) a surprisingly good summer for action movies, potentially leaving audiences burnt out. So if it seems like I'm not that enthusiastic about it, well, fuck, it's August, we're a long way from "Thor" here people.

But that's okay, that's not the movie's fault. Everyone who loves the title will like this movie. Everyone who thinks the title is stupid...needs to lighten up.

Trailer Park:

Battleship:

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1810116793/video/26061671/

I have never before seen a theater full of people so thoroughly baffled. Which I guess is to this movie's credit.

Conan:

http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809953260/video/25116578/

Fine, fine, I'll admit it already, it looks cool! Stop hounding me!

But I do wish someone, some day would make a "Conan" movie closer to the real Conan character; a drunken, rowdy, thieving, womanizing jerk who loved to fight shit and make money rather than the bland, mechanical revenge-seeker we always get.

Shark Night 3D:

http://www.joblo.com/movietrailers-view.php?movie=7299

Piranhas were cooler.

Next: Twenty pissed off chimps take over the world with spears. And it's James Franco's fault. Typical.

Grant Morrison's "Doom Patrol" explains why the US debt ceiling crisis was stupid.

With just a little over 24 hours left before the End of Everything, it appears that Congress has brokered a deal, just in time for the average American to not give a shit or understand what's going on at all.

This was easily the dumbest political crisis in US history, rooted in someone's (I'm still not sure whose) implicit belief that the best solution to a long-term problem is to make it an immediate problem that is roughly twice as bad.

In fact, this whole thing is so stupid that the only way I can really contextualize it is to frame the entire thing via quotes from Grant Morrison's "Doom Patrol."

Why "Doom Patrol"? Because "Doom Patrol" is the comic in which crises that don't makes sense are addressed by people who don't know what they're doing, often resulting in a solution that is almost as bad as the original problem.

***

1. The debt problem:

"Stop it? It can't be stopped now. The Decreator is annihilating the universe, bit by bit. This is only the end of the bloody universe we're talking about now."

2. The Tea Party steps onto the scene:

"Those are the leaders of the cult? Puppets?"

"Discarded childhood toys, grown bitter and deformed and hungry for revenge. Painted gods, by whose power existence itself is brought to an end."

3. The Tea Party explains their position:

"But this is insane, what could you possibly achieve by destroying everything?"

"Achieve? We achieve nothing, literally nothing."

Early Tea Party rallies were small affairs, and they had trouble deciding on a motif.

4. Opposing camps in Congress lay out their respective ideologies:

"I am a liar and I do not know why there is something instead of nothing."

"I am an honest man and I do not know why there is something instead of nothing."

5. Normal Republicans address the Tea Party:

"Please, I'm not really involved with these people, they've led me astray. I...I have asthma! I'm on medication! My dear mother is in an iron lung and I'm her only link to human society, have pity!"

6. House Speaker John Boehner explains how he can look at himself in the mirror every day:

"I suffer from a rather unusual disease, such that if I were to see any reflection of my naked face I would immediately cease to exist."

7. And acts accordingly:

"Thus do we present this absurdist ritual for your entertainment. Follow us into the golden country, into the empire of the senseless!"

8. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid marshals his party:

"Well, not long now before the end of the universe. Does anyone have any brilliant ideas before we all disappear completely?"

9. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi chimes in:

"Well...I mean, I just wanted to say...well...can I go to the bathroom please?"

10. President Obama changes his position in the middle of changing his position:

"It's activated by paradox modulation. Any contradictory ideas or images can open a way in."

The Democratic party's liberal wing did their best to influence the process.

11. Editorial writers critique the state of government:

"My dear ludicrous friends, standing there like lost property no one wants to claim, with stupid names and even more stupid costumes, look at us! Are we not final proof that there is no good, no evil, no truth, no reason? Are we not proof that the universe is a drooling idiot with no fashion sense?"

12. The negotiations begin:

"By the end of the first day I was completely insane. Minutes became centuries, became millennia, became eons. After several billion centuries I was convinced of my own serene divinity."

13. Further negotiations:

"Dada is the Kingdom of No, where even language fails, where words become futile!"

14. Final negotiations:

"Then came the War of Nerves, in which each side would ignore the other in an attempt to irritate the enemy into submission."

Some lobbyist groups are stranger than others.

15. The solution:

"We couldn't stop the Decreator, so we just slowed it down."

"But it's still destroying the universe?"

"Yes, but it's doing it terribly slowly now, so slowly that no one need ever know that the old place is coming undone."

16. Harry Reid explains how this outcome could possibly have happened:

"I'm a notorious and compulsive liar. I just wanted some booze. I simply refuse to bear any more of this hideousness without it."

Summer Mockbusters: Captain America

Wait, which country do I live in?

America, really?

Well, what country does Captain America represent?

...also America, yeah, I guess I shouldn’t have had to ask.

So, to review, I am American, and there is a movie out right now called “Captain America”, is that the lay of the land?

Well then, my task is clear. Someone cue the Jimi Hendrix cover of “The Star-Spangled Banner” to play me into the theater.

Captain America: The First Avenger

Directed by: A Man Out of Time.

Starring: The nicest guy in the world, the scariest guy in the world, and the biggest distraction ever to appear onscreen.

Basics:

In this corner: Captain America, democracy, freedom, Big Macs, etc.

In that corner: The Red Skull, fascism, slavery, sauerkraut, etc.

Go.

The Good:

God, this was so much fun.

“Captain America” is not the best movie I’ve seen all year, but it was by far the most enjoyable. This is an old-fashioned, two-fisted action adventure movie in the style of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”, and it’s just the most damn fun I’ve had in months. I couldn’t have done it better myself. In fact, I didn’t. Halfway through this I was assaulted by the unwanted recollection that, when I was 18, I wrote a screenplay for a Captain America movie.

It sucked.

We will never speak of it again.

And how could this movie not be good when Joe Johnston have basically been trying to make it for his entire life? Johnston loves the 40s so much he probably hasn’t even heard yet that FDR died. No one has the heart to break it to him. Joe sends up his gung-ho style at the beginning of the second act, but for the most part he plays the pulp sensibilities completely straight without a hint of a wink. It’s damn fun.

So often when these comic book adaptations go awry, fans bemoan how easy it should have been to get right, saying “Why didn’t they just do-”. This is the movie that “just does”, it charts a simple path to success, and then it takes it, and it looks so easy that you have to wonder why people don’t do this more often.

Huh. I really wanna buy war bonds now, for some reason. Do we still have those?

For example, how do you make the audience sympathize with your hero? Well, how about you just make him a good guy? Yeah, that’s right, you could make him an asshole with issues who growls at the camera all the time, like most movies. You could do that. Or you could make him, ya know, heroic. You just can’t not love Chris Evans in this role, he’s so genuine and earnest and non-cynical. Why don’t more movies try this?

On that note, I’ve got this Gordian Knot that’s been giving me trouble, does anyone have any suggestions how to undo it?

In fact, EVERY character in this movie is great. There’s not a toolbox in the bunch. Christ that was refreshing not to have to listen to some whiny wankster piss and moan for two hours. They took Hayley Atwell, Tommy Lee Jones, and Stanley Tucci at the recruiting station, but they gave a 4F to Squall, Edward Cullen, and Harry Potter (sorry Harry, but someone had to say it). Ship off losers, we’ve got fun characters to hang out with.

And then there’s Hugo Weaving...no Mr. Weaving, I wasn’t about to say anything critical about you. No, no, I liked you in this movie, I swear, it was inspired casting, I mean it! Oh God, please, I have kids (somewhere, maybe?), don’t do anything crazy, please sweet Jesus, I like you, I like all of your movies, even “Matrix: Revolutions”! Spare me, spare me!

Nazi Hugo Weaving is my Boggart.

The Bad:

This is a good movie. But only a good movie. It’s never great.

Compare this to, say “Thor”, which is often great, but also uneven. “Captain America” is never uneven, it’s one of the most consistent movies I’ve ever seen, but it never rises to the level of other great superhero movies we’ve seen. It’s good. Maybe even very good. But never more than that.

Our first major set piece is a foot chase turned car chase turned submarine chase (seriously!) that is quite entertaining. But it’s not anything special. It’s fun, but it didn’t wow me. Nothing in the movie really wowed me until the end. It’s never bad, but it engenders good will more than awe, general affection rather than admiration.

“Captain America” plays it safe. To a degree, this is commendable (go back to the “Why didn’t they just-” thing), but a movie that fails to take necessary risks lets itself, and its audience, down.

The plot, utilitarian thing though it is, left me a bit confused. It’s clear that our bad guys are Bad Guys. It’s clear that their evil plan is an Evil Plan. It’s clear that they want to destroy, well, pretty much everything. I’m just not sure why, or exactly how, they’re doing it. Oddly, it seems to have almost nothing to do with the war that is the background for this war movie. Our Nazi bad guys actually quit being Nazis early on. That's just maddeningly unsatisfying. Put on the Reich, damn it!

Miss Atwell appears to be losing the Battle of the Bulge on two fronts. ...I'm sorry.

And can someone please put a muzzle on this movie’s score? It’s like an overbearing mother, or that matchmaker from “Fiddler on the Roof.” Seriously Alan Silvestri, back up about a thousand yards, the movie has got it from here.

The Ugly:

You can say what you want about American society, culture, media, and government, and most of the time I’ll probably agree with you. Even if I don't, I will debate you respectfully, without waving the flag or thumping my chest, cuz, ya know, I'm not a tool.

But if you say something bad about Captain America, as a character...we're gonna have to take this outside. Every man has his limit. This is mine. I love this character. I'm not backing down.

Bottom Line:

I just can’t get over how fun this is.

“Captain America” is disappointing in that it never tries, and subsequently never succeeds, at being anything more than decent. But the consistency with which it is decent, and the obvious wham-bang sense of boyish fun evinced by everything about the production, are incredibly compelling.

I have watched some very good movies this year, and I have watched a couple of truly great movies this year, and almost all of them are, technically, better than “Captain America”, but I would rather watch “Captain America” a second time before returning to any of those.

And yes I know I should have had this done last week. You want reliable scheduling, start paying me.

Trailer Park:

Rise of the Planet of the Apes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LaK6khs8aMw

I know I’ve already crapped on this trailer a couple times, but I just had to make light of that line: “Is that a chimp?” No, it’s not, it’s quite clearly a computer effect. Hard to believe you were fooled at that range. I'm in the audience and I ain't even buying it.

Amazing Spider-Man:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XayxMPrUP4

Oh great, because I’ve always wondered what Spider-Man would be like if he were on a show on the CW produced by Rob Thomas.

Mission Impossible 4:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0LQnQSrC-g

I’d like to present an “You’re Awesome!” award to the guy in our theater who shouted “Oh no!” when Tom Cruise’s face came on screen. That beats the Shyamalan groan in my book.

Next: Oh my yes, it’s finally time. It is time for James Bond and Han Solo to strap on six shooters and fight aliens. I could not be more ready for this. Please God, if you plan on taking me soon, just wait until the end credits. I can go in peace after this.

How to succeed in business while trying way, way too hard.

You know what, hell with it, I'm tired of playing ball when it comes to these job interviews. From now on, I'm just going to march in and say whatever the hell I want. Before you go and say what a great idea that is, consider the kind of person I am and the possible ramifications of this decision.

I could go about this any number of ways:

1. The Jugular: "If you don't hire me, I'm going to go to your boss and offer to do your job for half the pay. Do you want that to happen? You had better make me a counter-offer then."

2. The Shyamalan: "Hire me? Why would you do that? I'm nothing more than an illusion created by your mind..."

3. The Boushh Gambit: "Why should you hire me? Because I'm holding a THERMAL DETONATOR!"

"My hand was covered with an industrial-strength adhesive. If you want to know the proper solvent, I suggest we talk salary options."

4. The Desperation Bid: "What did you say in the interview when they hired you? Come on, let me copy off of you this once, I won't tell anyone!"

5. The Head Game: "If you don't give me this job, I'll just have to tell your boss about all the money you've been embezzling. Who told me about that? Why, you did, just now. You fool! Come into my parlor said the spider to the fly, mua-hahahaha!"

6. The Closer: This is where I walk right into the office and, before the guy even gets up or says hi, I just launch right into my pitch:

"I'm not good at interviews and I don't like a lot of bullshit, so let's just lay it all on the table: I am an unstoppable, fire-breathing, man-eating, brass-balled juggernaut on an out of control collision course with success, and right now you've got two options: you can either get on board, or you can get out of my way."

And then I turn right around and I WALK STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BUILDING, I don't even wait for a response, just a straight line to the exit and I don't slow down until I'm home. And that man will tell my story for the rest of his life.

Summer Mockbusters: Harry Potter.

Okay, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and allow the realization to sink in:

IT'S FUCKING OVER. The whole Harry Potter thing is finally, completely done. No more books, no more movies. There's a video game coming out, but I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, this shit is the final chapter, full stop, no take-backs.

It's not that I dislike the franchise, I just can't deal with its monolithic pop culture status any longer. It's like having an elephant living in your backyard. Sure, it's a beautiful animal, but at some point or another you're tired of it blocking your sun all the time.

Alright, let's put this one to bed.

HARRY POTTER'S INCREDIBLY LONG TITLE

Directed by: The most boring man in Hollywood.

Starring: Do you bloody well have to ask?

Basics:

Harry and his friends must destroy some evil Macguffins while simultaneously pursuing some other, poorly-defined Macguffins for reasons that are never quite explained.

For those not familiar with the term, let me assure you that a Macguffin is unrelated to a Muggle.

The Good:

I said this two years ago and I'm going to keep saying it no matter how many times people look at me funny: I really think Daniel Radcliffe has become a pretty decent actor.

He's a surrogate little brother for the entire movie-watching public in a way that, frankly, creeps me out, but look, he's all grown up and he made good. He's like the kid you played little league with who just got elected mayor, you look at him and kind of shake your head and smile and go "Wow, who woulda thunk it?"

Speaking of accomplished actors, Alan Rickman is a great fucking thespian and it's been one of the most teeth-gnashingly frustrating experiences of my life sitting back for a DECADE and seeing him have virtually nothing to do in these movies. But now finally, FINALLY, one of these damn films delivers a scene worthy of his presence. God bless you Alan, you were a trooper the whole way.

Because you're never too old to be emo.

Those who were bored by last year's HARRY POTTER AND THE LONGEST MOST ANGRY CAMPING TRIP IN THE WORLD will be pleased by the action spectacular this outing. This movie is like mixing "The Wizard of Oz" with "Starship Troopers", then firing them out of a cannon. I think I've got some shell shock and Post Traumatic Stress. Every time a traffic signal turns green I instinctively duck what I think is a Killing Curse coming right at me.

Hardcore Potter fans, let me tell you right now, this movie is yours. Take it, own it, love it, it's the one you've been waiting for, it's the payoff, it's there. To casual or even non-fans, I'd say this one is probably worth your time. You might not know what's going on in it, but that's fine, you can treat it just as a series of context-less action sequences. In fact, that's pretty much what the movie itself does too.

I usually skip the 3D screenings in favor of traditional 2D, but this time I had to go in for a 3D show to fit it into my schedule. To my surprise, the conversion was quite good. It looks like it was legitimately shot in 3D. Even if you normally skip it, this one might be worth the extra three bucks, even if the glasses do make you think you're watching a movie through a dirty fish tank.

No you fools, the Ark is open, don't look at it!

The Bad:

David Yates, how is it that you can take an epic fantasy action adventure and make everything in it look like a Greyhound Bus Station?

This man's movies have the color palate of a locker room floor. I've seen more visually stimulating things with my eyes closed. Here's a drinking game you can play: Every time the primary color on screen is something other than gray, take a shot. By the end credits, you will be STONE FUCKING SOBER.

I really don't think he's a bad director, his movies have a very nice, tight, controlled look and feel, and he employs great cinematographers, but I think he's very poorly suited for this material. And there's a distinct lack of imagination here. At one point toward the end of the film we get a glimpse of what may be the afterlife. What does it look like? Well, it's all white, and there's a bright light. Yeah, really taxed yourself coming up with that one...

This final film has a number of big dramatic moments, and while sometimes the actor powers the moment through, by and large they are misses. Watching David Yates try to direct a pathos-filled scene is like watching Dexter Morgan play with a puppy; the pistons are just not firing. His style of detached, clinical filmmaking will doubtless serve him well with future projects, but it's plain bad here.

Also, is it just me, or is Voldemort really not a scary bad guy? I can't quite put my finger on why, but I was almost ready to laugh at him. There were moments, particularly toward the end when he begins gloating in front of the crowd, that he appeared to be channeling Dr. Evil. It doesn't help that he looks a bit like a cross between Hugh Grant and Sloth from "The Goonies", I might add.

Voldemort does not appreciate the old "Got your nose!" routine.

The Ugly:

You know what? Fuck Harry Potter. Fuck Ron, and fuck Hermione, and fuck all these other characters. I'm repping Neville. Neville is the real hero of this series.

Sure, Harry does some shit, but he has like forty two people watching his back at all times. Neville, no one gives a crap about that kid, no one ever helps him out, hell, no one is ever even nice to him. By rights he should have been the Hogwarts equivalent of Eric Harris and showed up one to class one day with a cauldron full of gasoline bombs.

Swords really aren't the ideal weapon for a high school massacre, but points for style Neville.

But not only did he never freak out, he never even complained, unlike our rather whiny central protagonists. He saves the day on low self esteem, that's an epic-level accomplishment. Why is there no book or movie about him? I want to see that.

Also, have you checked out that actor?

Yeah, that's the same guy. Although to me it looks like the guy on the left said "SHAZAM!" and turned into the guy on the right. Not being weird about it, just saying, damn.

Bottom Line:

This is by far the best of the Yates-directed Harry Potter films, and it represents a culmination not just of storytelling but of the maturing talents of the young cast.

It's the most well-rounded and dramatically satisfying entry in the series, and the most cinematic. In short, it's one of the few Harry Potter stories that really feels like it was worth making a movie out of.

One last closing note: Tom Felton should never grow facial hair. Never.

Trailer Park:

Happy Feet Two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twYq5QkNPKw

Let's get one thing clear America; we are NOT bringing fluffy back.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I really love penguins. I do. However, I am not even slightly interested in this movie. Why? Because there are no penguins in it. Not a one. Rather, there are illustrations meant to resemble penguins, penguin-like imagery designed to evoke a sympathetic relationship with the actual birds. But on a metaphysical level, this movie is penguin-free.

To this studio I say: I rebuff your attempts to manipulate me with your artificial penguin imagery! My postmodern nihilism is not yet advanced enough to allow for the substitution of virtual penguins for real penguins as an exchange of equivalencies. Fie on you, fie I say!

Hugo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR-kP-olcpM

Wow. After "Shutter Island", Scorcese burnt out on himself, and now he's channeling Chris Columbus.

Glee:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ84hXdoZMg

I have NEVER seen a more divisive reaction to a trailer. Strangers in the theater broke into obscenity-laced arguments over it. It was like Anti-Life, I was kind of freaked out.

Next Week: America. Fuck yeah!

Are you fucking serious? Superhero movie edition.

Yes, it's that time again, the time when we take a few moments out of our day to sit down with some of our fellow human beings and ask them the question that they so desperately need to hear:

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"

With the Fourth of July fresh in our memories, I can't help but dwell on how completely, totally, and downright embarrassingly stoked I am about the upcoming "Captain America" movie.

It may shock you to learn though that some people just aren't as pro-America as I am (I being a remorseless pinko Socialist left-wing long-haired San Francisco liberal, of course), to the point that studios are a little worried that Chris Evan's red white and blue routine won't sit as well with the international audiences who account for most of American movie's box office revenues.

To wit:

"Paramount Pictures and Marvel Studios gave distributors around the world the option of shortening the title of 'Captain America: The First Avenger' to simply 'The First Avenger,' out of concern about anti-American sentiment. But the only countries that took them up on it were Russia, Ukraine and South Korea."

Okay, first of all: South Korean, what the fuck? I thought we were cool?

Second of all, I can't remember the last time I heard a dumber business plan that did not involve the phrase "New Coke."

Now, okay, fine, I admit, I get that other countries are probably a little tired of all the self-love and flag waving in American action movies, I totally get that. But I still have to call bullshit on this for two reasons:

1. He's Captain America, this is kind of a special case. "America" is his fucking name, cut us a little slack, wouldja?

2. He's Captain America, do you really think that anyone with anti-American sentiments is going to be fooled just by taking the word "America" out of the title? For fuck's sake, THIS is what the star of the movie is wearing:

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and speculate that no matter what the title is, people are probably going to notice the American flag-themed spandex bodysuit.

And shield.

And MOTORCYCLE.

This is the very definition of a fool's errand. No one will look at that color scheme and think that this movie is about Captain Chile or Captain Cuba or Captain Puerto Rico. Or Captain North Korea, or Captain Samoa, or Captain Panama, or Captain Australia, or-damn, there's a lot of red, white, and blue flags with stars on them.

I mean, look, this is like taking a bunch of Klansman to a Denzel Washington film festival. Even if you don't let them see any of the movie posters beforehand, it will not escape their attention that he is black, not even for a second. He is a black man, black is the color of his skin and these people have eyes and they will put two and two together. Pretty much the same thing here.

So to the folks at Paramount and Marvel studios, as well as those running the Russian, Ukrainian, and South Korean distrubution (et tu, Seoul?), I just have one question for you:

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Summer Mockbusters: Transformers 3.

I skipped last week's major release, "Cars 2", because I just assumed it was about the merits of Chevron with Techron. Instead we move on to this week's big movie, which is about...cars.

Motherfucker.

I am cautiously optimistic about "Transformers 3." Back in 2009 I thought "Transformers 2" was about as bad as a summer movie could get, but then I lived through summer 2010 and learned better. So this is like coming back from war and then confronting the high school bully, he just doesn't scare you like he used to.

And hey, maybe he's changed. Maybe it'll turn out he was an alright guy all along. Yes, maybe...

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (??)

Directed by: The man who brought us the worst movie of Josh Hartnett's career.

Starring: Voice of Peter Cullen, Voice of Frank Welker, Not-voice of Hugo Weaving, roughly half of Hollywood including WASH! and, of course, Shia LaBeouf, this time alongside what appears to be Doc Johnson brand 3-holes Jenna Jameson blowup doll with an accent.

Basics:

Decepticons are assholes. Autobots are chronic absentees. Shia LaBeouf is unemployed (and God do I wish that last part was true.) That is all.

The Good:

First, the backhand: all of the things that were chronically bad about the other movies in this franchise are still present, but to a greatly diminished degree. I know that doesn't sound like much, but really, it's quite an accomplishment, comparatively speaking.

And, okay, look, look, I know I'm supposed to have standards, and I know I'm supposed to be intelligent, but I'm fucking human, okay, I am ONLY human, and there is a certain point where if an action set piece, mindless and crass though it may be, hits a kind of critical mass at which I am forced to say "Holy shit!" as an out loud verbal utterance, well, fine, I confess my weakness, and I will do whatever penance is required of me, but all other things being eventually equal, the fact still remains that "Holy shit!" is the appropriate response.

And it is.

Bumblebee can't believe it costs him seventy bucks to fill his tank these days.

"Transformers 3" is easily the best alien invasion movie in recent memory, and the scenes of mass citywide carnage are wince-inducing. I would even go so far as to say that this is the best of the three "Transformers" movies...although again, that very nearly brings us full circle to the backhand.

The Bad:

I'm starting to think that Michael Bay might have some form of autism.

That's not a joke, I am deadly serious. I think right around the time of the freeway chase in this movie I began to reflect on just how...strange the whole thing felt. It's hard to put my finger on it, but the way that the elements of this movie are arranged doesn't feel like it was constructed by a linear mind.

Imagine if a movie had been storyboarded and edited by Rainman. Actually, you don't have to imagine that, you can see it; this is it.

Everything makes so much more sense if you consider that the guy behind it all might have Asperger syndrome or something. For example, the humor in "Transformers 3"...isn't. It's not humor. It's not...anything that I know of, really. It's one thing to tell a bad joke, it's another if that joke isn't even recognizable as a joke.

I don't think I'm illustrating this concept very clearly, so by way of an example, imagine someone walked up to you and said this:

Him: Knock, knock.

You: Who's there?

Him: Guten tag.

And then just walked away. That's the kind of shit we're talking about here. I couldn't laugh at this movie even if it was funny (which it's not), because it would be like laughing at a person with a concussion. I just plain do not grok any of this.

And here we see Shia assume his alternate form: a candyass.

And here's a sentence I never thought I would write: I agree with Megan Fox. The way that Michael Bay shoots women IS exploitative. The very first thing we see after the opening credits is a shot of Rose Huntington-Whitely's ass. But not just any ass shot, the LONGEST ASS SHOT IN HISTORY.

I don't know what kind of crazy, experimental, fiber optic camera they must have duct taped to the back of this woman's thigh to get the angle they did for as long as they did, but I'd bet that at least four men labored for months to create it. Michael Bay is the Orson Welles of ass shots.

And honestly, I started to get uncomfortable at a certain point. This is just plain degrading. But not in that good way. As for Huntington-Whitely herself, I would recommend some kind of twelve step program for her. Cosmetic Surgery Addicts Anonymous, maybe. Hopefully one day she may again look like a human being rather than a screenshot from "The Sims 3."

The Ugly:

Wow, Optimus is kind of hardcore these days. It's too bad he's only in the movie for about fifteen minutes, because he seems to have finished some kind of dark, tragic character arch offscreen that turned him into the Travis Bickle of the Autobots.

Remember that first movie where he was this passionate idealist who only fought because he had to? Yeah, not so much anymore. Now the guy rolls into Chicago and says "Let's do the village, let's do the whole fucking village!"

The rejected design for the new addition to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art is exiled to the cold, pitiless depths of space.

Bottom Line:

Oh Christ, we're really past the point of opinions now, aren't we? "Transformers 3" isn't a movie you like or dislike, it's a case study in abnormal behavior. Weighing fifty minutes of really superb action versus ninety minutes of otherworldly comedy, whiny, unlikable characters, and plot holes you could run fugitives through, what comes out?

After spending all day thinking about it, I finally came to the conclusion that if this was a good movie, it wouldn't be this hard to say so. And yet, I had a good time. So it's a bad movie that I was happy to watch. Does that make any sense, or has Michael Bay finally drive me completely, irredeemably insane?

Trailer Park:

Abducted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5k7ECYZ-ds

Bourne Identity: The Next Generation.

Harry Potter and the Executive Producer's New Yacht, Part 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NYt1qirBWg

Okay, you hear that voice cue at 1:12, the one that sounds like Ralph Fiennes passing a kidney stone? That audio is used at least four times throughout this 150 second trailer, and it gets more bizarre every time. It's like an effect in some techno song, it just loops and loops and makes less sense every time.