Given the choice between hearing a commencement speech and having back to back colonoscopies sans lubrication or any kind of strap to bite down on...well, okay, I would probably go with commencement, but I really had to think hard about that one.
Most commencement speeches are the worst kind of nonsense, a sort of mass ass-kissing to a thousand anonymous asses. The only commencement speech I really liked was when Jeffrey Tambor spoke at my college graduation, and that's on account of he was brief and has a voice like a fine, smoky cheese.
Wow, I actually just creeped myself out with that last comment.
Nine times out of ten I can't shake the feeling that the speakers who tell graduates to go chase their dreams are the same people who are rejecting their job applications a few months later. Although, to my knowledge, Jeffrey Tambor has never turned me down for a job. I have so much to thank that man for.
UC Berkeley's Haas School of Business tapped Barbara Desoer to give the commencement speech this year. Who is Barbara Desoer? President of home loans for Bank of America. BofA brought her on to oversee their purchase of Countrywide, which is sort of like being the surgeon who is called to transplant a diseased heart into a patient. Yes kids, someday that could be you...
***
Plain text = Desoer
Bold text = Me.
“Graduates, today is a touchstone event in your life. A day filled with pride in what you’ve accomplished…appreciation for the sacrifices made to reach this pinnacle…and anticipation of the limitless, wide-open potential that awaits.
“Unless of course any of you are planning on asking me for a home loan, in which case this is a day for crushing despair and all-annihilating disappointment.
“What will you build from this day forward?
“And can it possibly be as cool as the pyramid of shot glasses you built in the student union bar last night?
“An impressive resume, a life of accomplishment…of that I have no doubt.”
Clearly she wasn’t in the union bar.
“But, a life of meaning, of purpose…that is the more difficult quest and the one that as a Haas graduate you are uniquely positioned to navigate. At Haas, we talk about path-bending leaders – but I’d go a step further.”
Wait, I thought that Fire Nation killed the last of the path-benders a hundred years ago?
“With the tools and opportunities you’ve been given – you should be carving out new paths – bringing your ingenuity to bear on the difficult issues of the day – poverty, unemployment, the environment, access to healthcare…
“You kids really need to get on that stuff, because over at BofA we've pretty damn well fucked it up for everybody.
“You’re in a wonderful position to come out of school and make an impact, to influence the other side of the economic crisis.
“And by other side, I mean the one that I'm not on. Also known as the one where all of the crisis actually happened.
"I can’t think of a better place to be equipped for the challenges of our day than a school built on the same values that pioneered the West.”
Um, "Remember the Alamo", "Manifest Destiny", and "The only good Injun is a dead Injun"?
“An entrepreneurial spirit, willingness to seize opportunity, and an ability to innovate.”
Well, I was close.
“These are the same values needed in today’s business environment as we grow our economy, improve the quality of life for our citizens and further explore the global frontier.
“The next stage of global frontier exploration of course being sailing over the edge of the earth to the sea monster-riddled abyss below!
"It wasn’t that long ago…ok, it was pretty long ago…when I was sitting where you are. My experience at Haas was probably very similar to yours – except you have these beautiful new facilities – and my classmates and I had Barrows Hall where we fought the Economic students for space.
“It was right over that that I busted open an Econ major's head open with an axe handle. I did forty days in solitary for it. It was a different time then.
“But the exceptional faculty, diverse student body, and the thrill of being in the heart of one of the most dynamic academic communities in the country is just as true today as it was for me 35 years ago. “
So, not really that much at all, is what you're saying?
“The bedrock principles that Haas embodies have not changed since the school was founded more than 110 years ago.
"‘No blacks, no Jews, no wops.’
“So, that as alumni we all share a unique culture perfectly captured in the Defining Principles - Challenge the Status Quo, Confidence Without Attitude, Student Always and Beyond Yourself.”
Wow, those eleven words have been vainly struggling to form a complete sentence for 110 year huh? Maybe you should borrow some principles from the English department? Just saying...
“And, while commencement marks the end of your formal studies, it marks the beginning of a different kind of learning – where the only syllabus is the one you set and the only one who can determine if you’ve passed or failed is you.”
I hereby give myself full honors and nominate myself all-time MVP for life, double-bogey no take-backs.
“In the spirit of this continuing education, I want to offer three words of advice –
"No space docking.
“Vision, valor and value. First, vision. Not far from here stands one of the most marveled upon man-made structures.
“I myself marveled on it just last Saturday, while drunk. You can still see the marvel stains.
“It exists because a young engineer had a vision for a mile-long suspension bridge to cross the San Francisco Bay. “
Actually it started when a crazy derelict ex-businessman declared himself emperor and issued a proclamation to dissolve Congress and then start with the bridge building.
That's not a joke, that really happened 150 years ago.
“You’ve gone to business school but don’t let yourself be defined by your degree.
“Leave that to your bosses, and, if need, be, your spouses.
“Keep an open mind about how you apply your degree, what you’ve learned and where that leads. Thirty years ago, I was a math nerd, whose dream job was sitting in an office, running models, where no one would bother me. When I came to Haas, my time here accelerated a change inside me and gave me the confidence to pursue a vision that took me away from my models and my four office walls.
“LSD will do crazy shit to you like that.
“And while I’m still a math nerd, I’ve learned how much I enjoy engaging and inspiring others in a common endeavor, being a part of a team and helping others succeed.
“In short, organized crime opened up wonderful new vistas in my life.
“Let your degree, all that you’ve learned and experienced strip away the boundaries of what you think you can achieve. Don’t stay in a lane that’s too well-defined. Dream boldly and you may surprise yourself and find the last thing on Earth you ever thought you’d be doing is the one thing that brings you the greatest fulfillment.”
By golly she's right! From this day forward I'm going to pursue the career path I always dreamed of: Chippendales dancer! Get me my bow tie!
“The second word of advice is valor. In life you will experience failure. But, take pride in that because you can’t possibly succeed without the courage to fail.
“The further I get into this speech, the more firsthand experience I'm having with that tenet.
“An author extolling the benefits of failure had this to say:
‘Why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged.'
“But enough about the Marquis de Sade.
“After being unemployed, surviving on food stamps, and rejected more than a dozen times by publishers, J.K. Rowling had an intimate knowledge of failure, but it is her perseverance that is every bit as inspiring as her epic “Harry Potter” success.
“So I guess what I’m saying is, at some point in your life you may find that you’ve written ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’, but don’t let that discourage you! Get right back up on that horse!
“More often than not opportunity presents itself in the form of a challenge. I pride myself in being a process thinker but sometimes you have to be willing to just take that leap and risk where you’ll land.
"Sometimes you just have to say: ‘Fuck it, this time I go in bareback!’"
Jokes like that are the reason I never have anything to show prospective employers when they ask for writing samples, by the way.
“It is probably obvious how courage is needed in such situations – but it is needed every bit as much in the everyday of our lives… “
Everyone sitting through this speech was pretty clear on the concept by this point.
“To keep us engaged, when we’ve just had our 10th conference call of the day.
“I mean my God, is there anything worse than having too much work in today’s economy?
“To not snap in a meeting, when we’re jetlagged and buzzed on caffeine.
"Please do the responsible thing and just bottle that aggression up inside and then release it after you get home to the family.
“To stay positive in the face of life’s little disappointments – rain on vacation, your favorite lipstick color discontinued, Pia getting voted off American Idol.”
Yeah, with 17% unemployment among new graduates, I'm sure Pia is what these kids will be struggling with most in the coming years...
“To say thank you, good job, and never underestimate the power of gratitude.”
"Or ambiguous syntax.
“Which brings me to my last word of advice - value. There is a horrible modern phenomenon that I am going to beg all of you not to fall prey to –”
Planking?
"Multi-tasking.”
Oh, so the opposite of planking.
By the way, those of you who Googled “space docking” earlier and are now afraid, you can look up “planking" without fear.
Also, for the record, I am genuinely sorry.
“It may seem like you’re being more productive, excelling at time management, and impressively dexterous - texting, tweeting, listening to a commencement speech – all at the same time.”
I've got news for you: they're really just texting and tweeting.
“But, I’m convinced as a society we’re more anxious and stressed because we’re trying to do too much at once – and in doing so end up doing none of it as well as we could. So, I’m going to champion single-tasking.
"In my day to day life, I don't concentrate on destroying an entire economy, I just crush one family's dream of owning a home as thoroughly as I can and then I move on to the next.
"Focusing your mind, time and energy – to bring the full value of what you have to offer to the task at hand, to your passions, your family, and your community.
"To review: single task about your passions, family, community, and the task at hand. Single-task all four of those things at once.
“To be fully present in all your endeavors. To make courageous choices – deciding in the face of competing demands where you will get and give the most value.
"Otherwise life just ends up like a bad threesome: someone is always getting left out.
“Because, what really matters in life is connection – not connectivity. Relationships – not quantity of facebook friends. Investing in people and communities – not investments.”
Wait, don't invest in investments, don't connect with connectivity, is this the speech for the graduating class of Oceania or something?
“A quote that has always had meaning for me and I keep above my desk is this one by Maya Angelou: ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’”
Oh yes, Maya Angelou and the Bank of America loan department, truly kindred spirits.
“I’ve said more than three words –”
I actually lost count at three.
“But I do hope these will stick with you – vision, valor and value. In a day of celebration take a moment for reflection. Write down your biggest, boldest dreams and keep that with you as a reminder of what you want to achieve.”
Okay: Become Kin Sa-Rang's sex slave, invent personal jetpack that runs off of white wine, and develop personal dialect ofthe English language so that I will never have to speak directly to another human being again.
Hey, quit reading my biggest, boldest dreams, those are private!
“Hold tight to the dreams of your youth and carry forward from this day the passion and excitement you feel. Let your compass be the limitless line of the horizon – “
How'd that work for Amelia Earhart?
“Seeing beyond what is in front of you and having the courage to go beyond yourself and be extraordinary.”
That sounds like a call for more LSD.
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