Tell Me Lies.

Okay America's political leaders, we need to talk. You guys have been caught with your pants down a lot lately. Literally in Anthony Weiner's case.

Every six months or so we get some new political sex scandal. Studio 54 didn't see as much action as the Senate cloakroom has gotten over the last couple of years. Which poses one very troubling question:

Why are you guys so bad at not getting caught?

Follow-up question: At the very least, shouldn't women have better taste?

Sex scandals are bad for America, because they distract the public from more important political issues and they mar the careers of otherwise effective leaders. Every time one of you guys gets caught propositioning a mannequin or cruising for furries in a Tigger costume, you're contributing to the slow asphyxiation of reasonable discourse.

In a perfect world I would ask you all to please fuck responsibly, and if possible to only fuck those prescribed individuals you are supposed to (if you're having trouble remembering exactly who that is, it's probably the woman who you're always telling: "Going to the store hon, back in four hours. Don't call."). But we all know that that's not going to happen, and there's virtually no historical precedent for it, so who are we kidding?

In a slightly less perfect world, I would ask the public to simply be more mature and stop obsessing over politician's sex lives and to instead obsess over important policy matters that effect our everyday lives and the future of our country. But I would probably have an easier time with that first option of keeping all of the congressional dicks on leashes. We have to work within the framework that's been provided us.

Harry Reid will be having his requisite sex scandal as soon as his blood returns to a liquid state.

It seems that the only thing left for me to do is to remind our elected officers that they have a sacred duty and responsibility to the American people, and that that duty is to lie more convincingly about their indiscretions. It's the only way we're going to get anything done around here.

You know once upon a time people knew that American politicians were the greatest liars in the world. And I wonder, whatever happened to that? Has the world changed? Or did you just stop caring? If we can't trust you to maintain the basic lies that keep your families and marriages together, how can we trust you to tell the lies that bind our nation together? You've undermined our faith in the entire institution of public falsehood!

It starts with "I did not have sexual relations with that woman," and then before you know it it's "Major combat operations have ceased." It's gotten to the point where these lies mean nothing anymore, and soon we're not going to believe a single lie that comes out of your mouths!

Remember, this guy kept it under wraps for two hundred years! Now there's a true American.

So please, Anthony Weiner, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Lee, Mark Souder, Erica Massa, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Tim Mahoney, John Edwards, David Patterson, Randy Tobias, Rudy Giuliani, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Brian Doyle, Jack Ryan, Ed Schrock, Eliot Spitzer, Steven LaTourette, Don Sherwood, David Vitter, Vito Fossella, Kwame Kilpatrick, Gary Condit, Gavin Newsom, Paul Patton, Bob Wise, Jim McGreevey, Neil Goldschmidt, and of course, Bubba, I implore you all:

If you can't be honest with us, get better at not being honest with us. Because believe it or not, you've got work to do.