In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight-wait, the fuck, who writes this crap?
You know that power ring is supposed to translate millions of alien languages, and I gotta wonder, does the oath have a shitty AAAA rhyme scheme in all of them? Because that's an accomplishment, but not one you should be proud of.
Hell with it, we've got bigger fish to fry. This is "Green Lantern", and let it be said that I go in with a bias. I love Geoff Johns' Green Lantern series, and so like all true fans of any nerd-based property, I am deadset on hating any and all mainstream media adaptations, even though I have loudly requested them.
That's right, I am a naysayer. Nay I say, nay! Okay, buckle up, here we go...
Green Lantern
Directed by: The best friend Daniel Craig ever had.
Starring: The strangest assortment of large-headed creatures ever to appear in one film.
Basics:
Well, when Julius Schwartz joined DC Comics in the 50s he had the idea of reinventing a few old superhero books with a contemporary spin grounded in modern culture. So he got Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams to come up with a concept and then up until the early 1990s...
(Several hours pass)
...so anyway, that's why I think the white power battery is probably the only thing that can permanently destroy the Anti-Monitor.
Wait, what were we talking about?
The Good:
I hate Ryan Reynolds.
I mean, okay, fine, he was actually very good in "Buried", but that doesn't get him off the hook for, wait, what was it that he did that I hold against him? Oh yeah, EVERYTHING ELSE.
So as you can guess, I was not happy about this casting, at all. When I got the news, it was like the fourth highest thing on the list of shit that made me angry that day (I know that doesn't sound that bad, but it's a long list. I'm actually a really angry guy. I should probably get help. Especially since this red ring keeps floating around me and saying "RAGE!" all the time and trying to get me to put it on. That freaks me out).
But, as much as it pains me to admit it at this late hour, having seen the movie, I am forced to admit that he's...not that bad in it. There, there, I said it, are you happy? Are you happy now, universal power that reverses my predetermined expectations? Do you just loooove making me look like a jackass like this?
You know what, just kick me in the balls instead, okay, because that's less painful than admitting what I just said. So go on, just kick me squarely in the balls, and GET IT OVER WITH! Who's knocking on my door?
Dude, not now, I've got four different things to write tonight. By the way your, uh, cat looks sick back there. You should get him checked out. By a fire-proof vet.
Yes, Reynolds is perfectly fine in this. Not great, but he really does achieve something superhuman by somehow reciting the goofy Green Lantern oath and making it sound really cool. Twice. I cannot shit on the guy after that. I'd like to, but I can't.
Reynolds shares the screen with a cast of pretty good supporting actors, best of which is clearly Peter Sarsgaard, whose surprisingly creepy, graphic, David Cronenberg-laced transformation into something that looks like Jabba the Hutt's balls provides some of the better material in the movie (although considering that he starts off looking like a cross between Kelsey Grammar and John Holmes, it might be an improvement).
Oddly, the things that "Green Lantern" does best are the things that should be the hardest to translate to film. It has no problem effectively and convincingly communicating the idea that a planet of people with giant blue heads established an army of space cops and gave them all magic rings that can create anything you think of out of green light that's made out of your manifested willpower.
Totally works, didn't question it for a second. Kind of amazing, really, since that's a concept I never even completely bought as a comic.
The Bad:
The Green Lantern was always kind of a B-string hero comic for most of its history. It was alright, but never that great, and it was hindered by some goofiness in its premise. Then six years ago Geoff Johns took over and turned the series into a bafflingly well-written space opera that, somehow, is one of the best mainstream American comics being written today.
I'm telling you all of this because it should be absolutely clear from the start: the people who wrote this movie weren't up to speed on any of that shit.
"Green Lantern" the movie feels like a GL story from 1991. And if this movie had come out in 1991, it would be pretty incredible. But, damn, we've had tons of superhero movies the last decade, in fact, we've had tons of superhero movies just in the last month and a half, and, like a high school freshman in a dick waving contest, this one just doesn't measure up (no, I'm not ashamed, and no, I don't care if you are).
It's not that it's bad exactly, it's just...flat. Uninventive. Pedestrian. Our hero can do anything and go anywhere, but he never really seems to want to. He can't figure out why he was chosen to be a hero, and honestly, most of the time neither can I. Couldn't we have gone with someone a little more outgoing and decisive like, I dunno, Hamlet?
Bad computer-created effects are just a fact of life these days, like TV talking heads or herpes or the knowledge that we are all probably developing colon cancer even as we speak. You wish it wasn't so, but you just kinda deal with it.
So if I take the time to point out that the effects in a movie are bad, then they're REALLY bad. There's a helicopter crash in this movie that looks like the shark hologram from "Back to the Future Part 2". I've been pages of Green Lantern comics that look more convincing than this.
And take that silly-ass mask off!
The Ugly:
You know, I just don't look good in green. Not my color, never has been. Do you have a power ring in more of an onyx or a sable decor?
Whoa! Okay, forget I said anything.
Bottom Line:
"Green Lantern" is an underachiever, and somehow oddly unfinished. It succeeds at really difficult things but then fails at the simple stuff. And it feels dated, like a movie that was written for a different generation of summer action flicks, a time when were all more easily impressed.
I was going relatively easy on this movie at first, because it's not NEARLY as terrible as I thought it would be, and in fact the first half is a lot of fun. The ending was a letdown, but I was ready to give it a pass just for surmounting my low expectations. But as the day went on, my opinion of the movie went bad. It's like when you eat fast food and at first it's kinda okay, but then four hours later you get the taco shits.
So, "Green Lantern" is decent for an afternoon and then gives you mental intestinal gymnastics. Unlike my knack for analogies, which is usually sickening on the spot.
Trailer Park:
Breaking Dawn:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3jWFiRkHuA
I know you expect me to run this down, but no, I'm not going to.
See, someone gave me the skinny on what happens in this book, and, really, wow. It turns out that Stephenie Meyer was some kind of Dexter-like closet sociopath this entire time, and once she had all of the teenage girls in America in the palm of her hand, she smashed them with a book that sounds like a David Lynch wet dream.
So I am genuinely curious how they're going to translate this warped, fucked-up vision to screen. Probably not curious enough to watch it, because really, haven't I suffered enough, but if the fangirl in your life comes down with PTSD this winter, you'll know why.
...I mean, does he really do it with the claws and his bare hands? Cuz that is hardcore. I don't think the AMA would approve.
Next Week: Nope. I ain't seeing "Cars 2". You know why? Because I don't have kids, and god damn it that comes with certain privileges. You who have spawned offspring, have fun watching the traffic.
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