Originally titled "X-Men: Coach" and then "X-Men: Business Class" before the studio finally coughed up the extra money to upgrade everyone's seating.
Okay, I'm really sorry about that joke, I just had to get it out of my system. The rest will be better, I promise.
It's been two years since the last X-Men movie, five years since the last one dealing with the X-Men as a team, and eight years since the last one that was any damn good. Which poses a fascinating question going into this newest installment: do I actually care?
Consider that this is the fifth movie in the franchise and the second prequel. How would you even number that? Negative two?
X-Men: First Class
Directed by: A kick ass director. No, wait, that should be "The director of Kick Ass." Actually, both work.
Starring: The weenie guy from "Wanted", the British guy from "Inglourious Basterds", a gal from a movie about beaver, Betty Draper's lingerie, and last but not least, Kevin Bacon (because really, why the hell not?).
Basics:
Kevin Bacon wants to play six degrees of Armageddon (yeah, I totally lied when I said the jokes would get better) and instigates the Cuban Missile Crisis. Young Magneto and Charles Xavier can stop him, but only if they quit flirting for long enough (seriously guys, get a room).
The Good:
The first thing you need to know is that “First Class” is not really a superhero movie. Rather, it’s a James Bond movie. But not a modern Bond movie; instead it’s a intentionally retro, kitschy, 60s-style Bond flick.
Confused? Well, let me put it to you this way: In this movie, Kevin Bacon travels around the world in a private nuclear submarine with a built-in martini bar, wearing a purple leisure suit and plotting nuclear war while January Jones stands around kitted up like Honor Blackman. Just so we’re clear, these scenes are without question the greatest thing I’ve seen all year.
“First Class” allows itself to have fun in a way that no movie in this franchise ever has, and in doing so it’s lifted a tremendous burden off of the entire property. Did you ever think you’d see Charles Xavier in a bar chugging drinks and picking up on girls?
James McAvoy has a kind of impish, foppish charm about everything he does. He’s like a cross between Ewan McGregor and the Lucky Charms leprechaun. And I mean that in the most positive way possible...whatsoever that way may be.
Opposite McAcoy is Michael Fassbender, playing a young Magneto who spends the first act of the movie hunting Nazi war criminals across two continents. Let me repeat that so that it can sink in: Magneto is a globe-hopping Nazi hunter who bumps off former SS men while obsessively plotting to kill Kevin Bacon. I’m surprised the movie can bear the weight of an idea that cool without collapsing into a neutron star.
The film works better as an origin for Magneto than for the X-Men, as we watch him transition from a tunnel-vision revenge machine into the big picture grand mastermind villain of the rest of the franchise.
It’s really refreshing to see a superhero origin movie where people DO things. Most of these movies feature characters who sit around and placidly wait for the plot to catch up to them, then laboriously explain each and every little thing about what’s happening to the audience.
“X-Men: First Class”, on the other hand, has a very brisk first and second act full of characters who can’t be fucked to explain themselves to the audience because they’re too damn busy getting on with cool spy shit. Don’t mind me fellas, just keep doing what you’re doing.
Being a prequel, the flick does open up some inconsistencies with the other films. I list this as a good thing because the movies it most often undermines are “X-Men 3” and “Wolverine”, and fuck all that noise. If Matt Vaughn wanted to kick those movies in the balls and throw them down some stairs I’d probably build the staircase myself from scratch.
The Bad:
The first hour of this movie is phenomenal, and watching it was like strapping into what you think is a taxi cab but turns out to be a tilt-a-whirl. But then the second hour almost completely runs aground, and my interest started to decline faster than Scott Cousins’ chances of being declared Man of the Year in the Bay Area (hang in there Scotty, it wasn’t really your fault).
It really can’t be a good sign that in a movie titled “X-Men” the thing I was the least interested in was the X-Men. If this movie has been just about James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Kevin Bacon, and Jennifer Lawrence, I would have been happy camper (except I hate camping, so I guess in my case I‘d have been a happy urban dweller who hates the smell of pine). Those are the actors whose characters I gave a crap about.
The rest of the cast, though, is comprised mostly of people who could walk into an empty room and still not be the most interesting person there. Even January Jones seemed just plain disinterested in being in this movie (maybe she realized that there were exactly two reasons she was cast?). The more the movie focused on the young mutants, the more interested I became in excavating the last of the nacho cheese from the bottom of the cup.
On that note; Beast, buddy, the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, okay, your feet look a little weird, but get over it already. I’ve seen toenail fungus that’s uglier than that. Put on some socks every now and then if it bothers you so much. Or, um, two socks sewed together, I guess would probably do the trick.
Even worse, the big action finale is kind of a let-down. There’s really nothing to see here, unless the idea of Lenny Kravtiz’s daughter flying around with a set of butterfly wings bolted to her back while hocking flaming loogies at battleships appeals to you (it’s not as great as it sounds).
In fact, the entire movie nearly lost me at the end, but luckily it got its act together for the emotional climax in the last fifteen minutes, which was more important. Still, it shouldn’t have been that close.
The Ugly:
How bad was “X-Men 3”? So bad that it significantly mars my enjoyment of every better X-Men movie.
Even now, five years later while watching the much, much, MUCH better “X-Men: First Class”, I could not get that other damnable film out of my mind. It’s impossible to become fully invested in any of these character conflicts when you keep thinking about the incredibly asinine conclusion that they’ll eventually be brought to.
Watching “X-Men: First Class” or even “X-Men” and “X-Men 2” after watching “X-Men 3” is like driving a really cool car that smells like a fart. No matter how smooth the ride is, you can never completely ignore that smell. “X-Men 3” is the fart in the air conditioning of this entire property.
Brett Ratner, I hate you. How much do I hate you? Well, if we ever meet, I’m going to count to three, and then I’m going to move the coin...
Bottom Line:
“X-Men: First Class” is frustrating, because it feels like a potentially great movie that borrowed trouble and instead simply became an alright movie. Laden with extraneous characters we didn’t need and the story baggage that comes with them, the awesome super-powered spy flick that we were originally watching grinds to a halt and is replaced by lukewarm mush.
Still, there’s a lot to love here. “First Class” took chances with the material and in the process pulled a worn-out franchise back from the edge of irrelevance. And it taught us all an important lesson: do NOT fuck with Michael Fassbender, ever! The movie fails at a lot, but the things it succeeds are the things that are most important. Eleven years after the original, these movies are finally back on track.
Trailer Park:
Rise of the Planet of the Apes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQHqNxyEaws
Every time I thought this trailer couldn’t get more dumb, it topped itself a second later. It’s like the Donald Trump of movie previews.
Transformers: Dark of the Moon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHRf01Gjosk
Wait, what does that say? I’ve been calling it “Dark Side of the Moon”, but apparently it’s just “Dark of the Moon”? What’s a dark of the moon? I don’t think that’s even a thing? Sounds like a Scandinavian metal band.
The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6yUwXwrR35U
Speaking of which.
Michael Nyqvist was the male lead in the 2009 Swedish version of this movie, and Daniel Craig looks like what would happen if you left Nyqvist in the microwave for about seven hours.
In any case, watching this trailer in a theater is like being blasted through a wind tunnel full of equal parts Karen O and adrenaline, so points to the marketing team.
Next Week: The Cult of JJ Abrams brings us “Super 8”, but I will in all likelihood be seeing “Troll Hunter” instead. Because there should be someone on hand for that who knows to use fire on them.
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