Summer Mockbusters: Harry Potter.

Okay, take a deep breath, let it out slowly, and allow the realization to sink in:

IT'S FUCKING OVER. The whole Harry Potter thing is finally, completely done. No more books, no more movies. There's a video game coming out, but I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, this shit is the final chapter, full stop, no take-backs.

It's not that I dislike the franchise, I just can't deal with its monolithic pop culture status any longer. It's like having an elephant living in your backyard. Sure, it's a beautiful animal, but at some point or another you're tired of it blocking your sun all the time.

Alright, let's put this one to bed.

HARRY POTTER'S INCREDIBLY LONG TITLE

Directed by: The most boring man in Hollywood.

Starring: Do you bloody well have to ask?

Basics:

Harry and his friends must destroy some evil Macguffins while simultaneously pursuing some other, poorly-defined Macguffins for reasons that are never quite explained.

For those not familiar with the term, let me assure you that a Macguffin is unrelated to a Muggle.

The Good:

I said this two years ago and I'm going to keep saying it no matter how many times people look at me funny: I really think Daniel Radcliffe has become a pretty decent actor.

He's a surrogate little brother for the entire movie-watching public in a way that, frankly, creeps me out, but look, he's all grown up and he made good. He's like the kid you played little league with who just got elected mayor, you look at him and kind of shake your head and smile and go "Wow, who woulda thunk it?"

Speaking of accomplished actors, Alan Rickman is a great fucking thespian and it's been one of the most teeth-gnashingly frustrating experiences of my life sitting back for a DECADE and seeing him have virtually nothing to do in these movies. But now finally, FINALLY, one of these damn films delivers a scene worthy of his presence. God bless you Alan, you were a trooper the whole way.

Because you're never too old to be emo.

Those who were bored by last year's HARRY POTTER AND THE LONGEST MOST ANGRY CAMPING TRIP IN THE WORLD will be pleased by the action spectacular this outing. This movie is like mixing "The Wizard of Oz" with "Starship Troopers", then firing them out of a cannon. I think I've got some shell shock and Post Traumatic Stress. Every time a traffic signal turns green I instinctively duck what I think is a Killing Curse coming right at me.

Hardcore Potter fans, let me tell you right now, this movie is yours. Take it, own it, love it, it's the one you've been waiting for, it's the payoff, it's there. To casual or even non-fans, I'd say this one is probably worth your time. You might not know what's going on in it, but that's fine, you can treat it just as a series of context-less action sequences. In fact, that's pretty much what the movie itself does too.

I usually skip the 3D screenings in favor of traditional 2D, but this time I had to go in for a 3D show to fit it into my schedule. To my surprise, the conversion was quite good. It looks like it was legitimately shot in 3D. Even if you normally skip it, this one might be worth the extra three bucks, even if the glasses do make you think you're watching a movie through a dirty fish tank.

No you fools, the Ark is open, don't look at it!

The Bad:

David Yates, how is it that you can take an epic fantasy action adventure and make everything in it look like a Greyhound Bus Station?

This man's movies have the color palate of a locker room floor. I've seen more visually stimulating things with my eyes closed. Here's a drinking game you can play: Every time the primary color on screen is something other than gray, take a shot. By the end credits, you will be STONE FUCKING SOBER.

I really don't think he's a bad director, his movies have a very nice, tight, controlled look and feel, and he employs great cinematographers, but I think he's very poorly suited for this material. And there's a distinct lack of imagination here. At one point toward the end of the film we get a glimpse of what may be the afterlife. What does it look like? Well, it's all white, and there's a bright light. Yeah, really taxed yourself coming up with that one...

This final film has a number of big dramatic moments, and while sometimes the actor powers the moment through, by and large they are misses. Watching David Yates try to direct a pathos-filled scene is like watching Dexter Morgan play with a puppy; the pistons are just not firing. His style of detached, clinical filmmaking will doubtless serve him well with future projects, but it's plain bad here.

Also, is it just me, or is Voldemort really not a scary bad guy? I can't quite put my finger on why, but I was almost ready to laugh at him. There were moments, particularly toward the end when he begins gloating in front of the crowd, that he appeared to be channeling Dr. Evil. It doesn't help that he looks a bit like a cross between Hugh Grant and Sloth from "The Goonies", I might add.

Voldemort does not appreciate the old "Got your nose!" routine.

The Ugly:

You know what? Fuck Harry Potter. Fuck Ron, and fuck Hermione, and fuck all these other characters. I'm repping Neville. Neville is the real hero of this series.

Sure, Harry does some shit, but he has like forty two people watching his back at all times. Neville, no one gives a crap about that kid, no one ever helps him out, hell, no one is ever even nice to him. By rights he should have been the Hogwarts equivalent of Eric Harris and showed up one to class one day with a cauldron full of gasoline bombs.

Swords really aren't the ideal weapon for a high school massacre, but points for style Neville.

But not only did he never freak out, he never even complained, unlike our rather whiny central protagonists. He saves the day on low self esteem, that's an epic-level accomplishment. Why is there no book or movie about him? I want to see that.

Also, have you checked out that actor?

Yeah, that's the same guy. Although to me it looks like the guy on the left said "SHAZAM!" and turned into the guy on the right. Not being weird about it, just saying, damn.

Bottom Line:

This is by far the best of the Yates-directed Harry Potter films, and it represents a culmination not just of storytelling but of the maturing talents of the young cast.

It's the most well-rounded and dramatically satisfying entry in the series, and the most cinematic. In short, it's one of the few Harry Potter stories that really feels like it was worth making a movie out of.

One last closing note: Tom Felton should never grow facial hair. Never.

Trailer Park:

Happy Feet Two:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twYq5QkNPKw

Let's get one thing clear America; we are NOT bringing fluffy back.

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but I really love penguins. I do. However, I am not even slightly interested in this movie. Why? Because there are no penguins in it. Not a one. Rather, there are illustrations meant to resemble penguins, penguin-like imagery designed to evoke a sympathetic relationship with the actual birds. But on a metaphysical level, this movie is penguin-free.

To this studio I say: I rebuff your attempts to manipulate me with your artificial penguin imagery! My postmodern nihilism is not yet advanced enough to allow for the substitution of virtual penguins for real penguins as an exchange of equivalencies. Fie on you, fie I say!

Hugo:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hR-kP-olcpM

Wow. After "Shutter Island", Scorcese burnt out on himself, and now he's channeling Chris Columbus.

Glee:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ84hXdoZMg

I have NEVER seen a more divisive reaction to a trailer. Strangers in the theater broke into obscenity-laced arguments over it. It was like Anti-Life, I was kind of freaked out.

Next Week: America. Fuck yeah!

Are you fucking serious? Superhero movie edition.

Yes, it's that time again, the time when we take a few moments out of our day to sit down with some of our fellow human beings and ask them the question that they so desperately need to hear:

"ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?"

With the Fourth of July fresh in our memories, I can't help but dwell on how completely, totally, and downright embarrassingly stoked I am about the upcoming "Captain America" movie.

It may shock you to learn though that some people just aren't as pro-America as I am (I being a remorseless pinko Socialist left-wing long-haired San Francisco liberal, of course), to the point that studios are a little worried that Chris Evan's red white and blue routine won't sit as well with the international audiences who account for most of American movie's box office revenues.

To wit:

"Paramount Pictures and Marvel Studios gave distributors around the world the option of shortening the title of 'Captain America: The First Avenger' to simply 'The First Avenger,' out of concern about anti-American sentiment. But the only countries that took them up on it were Russia, Ukraine and South Korea."

Okay, first of all: South Korean, what the fuck? I thought we were cool?

Second of all, I can't remember the last time I heard a dumber business plan that did not involve the phrase "New Coke."

Now, okay, fine, I admit, I get that other countries are probably a little tired of all the self-love and flag waving in American action movies, I totally get that. But I still have to call bullshit on this for two reasons:

1. He's Captain America, this is kind of a special case. "America" is his fucking name, cut us a little slack, wouldja?

2. He's Captain America, do you really think that anyone with anti-American sentiments is going to be fooled just by taking the word "America" out of the title? For fuck's sake, THIS is what the star of the movie is wearing:

I'm just going to go out on a limb here and speculate that no matter what the title is, people are probably going to notice the American flag-themed spandex bodysuit.

And shield.

And MOTORCYCLE.

This is the very definition of a fool's errand. No one will look at that color scheme and think that this movie is about Captain Chile or Captain Cuba or Captain Puerto Rico. Or Captain North Korea, or Captain Samoa, or Captain Panama, or Captain Australia, or-damn, there's a lot of red, white, and blue flags with stars on them.

I mean, look, this is like taking a bunch of Klansman to a Denzel Washington film festival. Even if you don't let them see any of the movie posters beforehand, it will not escape their attention that he is black, not even for a second. He is a black man, black is the color of his skin and these people have eyes and they will put two and two together. Pretty much the same thing here.

So to the folks at Paramount and Marvel studios, as well as those running the Russian, Ukrainian, and South Korean distrubution (et tu, Seoul?), I just have one question for you:

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?

Summer Mockbusters: Transformers 3.

I skipped last week's major release, "Cars 2", because I just assumed it was about the merits of Chevron with Techron. Instead we move on to this week's big movie, which is about...cars.

Motherfucker.

I am cautiously optimistic about "Transformers 3." Back in 2009 I thought "Transformers 2" was about as bad as a summer movie could get, but then I lived through summer 2010 and learned better. So this is like coming back from war and then confronting the high school bully, he just doesn't scare you like he used to.

And hey, maybe he's changed. Maybe it'll turn out he was an alright guy all along. Yes, maybe...

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (??)

Directed by: The man who brought us the worst movie of Josh Hartnett's career.

Starring: Voice of Peter Cullen, Voice of Frank Welker, Not-voice of Hugo Weaving, roughly half of Hollywood including WASH! and, of course, Shia LaBeouf, this time alongside what appears to be Doc Johnson brand 3-holes Jenna Jameson blowup doll with an accent.

Basics:

Decepticons are assholes. Autobots are chronic absentees. Shia LaBeouf is unemployed (and God do I wish that last part was true.) That is all.

The Good:

First, the backhand: all of the things that were chronically bad about the other movies in this franchise are still present, but to a greatly diminished degree. I know that doesn't sound like much, but really, it's quite an accomplishment, comparatively speaking.

And, okay, look, look, I know I'm supposed to have standards, and I know I'm supposed to be intelligent, but I'm fucking human, okay, I am ONLY human, and there is a certain point where if an action set piece, mindless and crass though it may be, hits a kind of critical mass at which I am forced to say "Holy shit!" as an out loud verbal utterance, well, fine, I confess my weakness, and I will do whatever penance is required of me, but all other things being eventually equal, the fact still remains that "Holy shit!" is the appropriate response.

And it is.

Bumblebee can't believe it costs him seventy bucks to fill his tank these days.

"Transformers 3" is easily the best alien invasion movie in recent memory, and the scenes of mass citywide carnage are wince-inducing. I would even go so far as to say that this is the best of the three "Transformers" movies...although again, that very nearly brings us full circle to the backhand.

The Bad:

I'm starting to think that Michael Bay might have some form of autism.

That's not a joke, I am deadly serious. I think right around the time of the freeway chase in this movie I began to reflect on just how...strange the whole thing felt. It's hard to put my finger on it, but the way that the elements of this movie are arranged doesn't feel like it was constructed by a linear mind.

Imagine if a movie had been storyboarded and edited by Rainman. Actually, you don't have to imagine that, you can see it; this is it.

Everything makes so much more sense if you consider that the guy behind it all might have Asperger syndrome or something. For example, the humor in "Transformers 3"...isn't. It's not humor. It's not...anything that I know of, really. It's one thing to tell a bad joke, it's another if that joke isn't even recognizable as a joke.

I don't think I'm illustrating this concept very clearly, so by way of an example, imagine someone walked up to you and said this:

Him: Knock, knock.

You: Who's there?

Him: Guten tag.

And then just walked away. That's the kind of shit we're talking about here. I couldn't laugh at this movie even if it was funny (which it's not), because it would be like laughing at a person with a concussion. I just plain do not grok any of this.

And here we see Shia assume his alternate form: a candyass.

And here's a sentence I never thought I would write: I agree with Megan Fox. The way that Michael Bay shoots women IS exploitative. The very first thing we see after the opening credits is a shot of Rose Huntington-Whitely's ass. But not just any ass shot, the LONGEST ASS SHOT IN HISTORY.

I don't know what kind of crazy, experimental, fiber optic camera they must have duct taped to the back of this woman's thigh to get the angle they did for as long as they did, but I'd bet that at least four men labored for months to create it. Michael Bay is the Orson Welles of ass shots.

And honestly, I started to get uncomfortable at a certain point. This is just plain degrading. But not in that good way. As for Huntington-Whitely herself, I would recommend some kind of twelve step program for her. Cosmetic Surgery Addicts Anonymous, maybe. Hopefully one day she may again look like a human being rather than a screenshot from "The Sims 3."

The Ugly:

Wow, Optimus is kind of hardcore these days. It's too bad he's only in the movie for about fifteen minutes, because he seems to have finished some kind of dark, tragic character arch offscreen that turned him into the Travis Bickle of the Autobots.

Remember that first movie where he was this passionate idealist who only fought because he had to? Yeah, not so much anymore. Now the guy rolls into Chicago and says "Let's do the village, let's do the whole fucking village!"

The rejected design for the new addition to the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art is exiled to the cold, pitiless depths of space.

Bottom Line:

Oh Christ, we're really past the point of opinions now, aren't we? "Transformers 3" isn't a movie you like or dislike, it's a case study in abnormal behavior. Weighing fifty minutes of really superb action versus ninety minutes of otherworldly comedy, whiny, unlikable characters, and plot holes you could run fugitives through, what comes out?

After spending all day thinking about it, I finally came to the conclusion that if this was a good movie, it wouldn't be this hard to say so. And yet, I had a good time. So it's a bad movie that I was happy to watch. Does that make any sense, or has Michael Bay finally drive me completely, irredeemably insane?

Trailer Park:

Abducted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e5k7ECYZ-ds

Bourne Identity: The Next Generation.

Harry Potter and the Executive Producer's New Yacht, Part 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NYt1qirBWg

Okay, you hear that voice cue at 1:12, the one that sounds like Ralph Fiennes passing a kidney stone? That audio is used at least four times throughout this 150 second trailer, and it gets more bizarre every time. It's like an effect in some techno song, it just loops and loops and makes less sense every time.

127 Hours, Minus 80, plus one.

So do you know how a 48 Hour Film Project works? It's a little like "The Running Man", except they disqualified the use of my Fireball suit (stupid fire marshall's code. If I had my Fireball suit I'd show him...).

There are a few rules: the entire movie must be written, shot, edited, and turned in within 48 hours. It must be no longer than seven minutes, plus one minute for credits, and there is a specific character, prop, and line of dialogue that must be included in each entry.

I had no idea what to expect from this, but I’d passed up the chance to work on the last 48 Hour that Viral Media Network and burntwire.tv entered back in February and then regretted it when I saw the finished movie, so this time around I was keen to horn in on the action.

The screening was last night at the Lumiere and it was extremely edifying hearing the audience reaction. Below is the whole thing, freshly uploaded to YouTube, and further down you can find my commentary on it, which I’m sure you were all just on the edge of your seats for, weren’t you?

***

0:05 - "Dark Comedy": A big part of the catch with 48 Hour is that your genre is assigned to you randomly. We were a little worried that we might end up drawing "Family Film" or something else that just isn't our style.

Needless to say, when we got the text saying "Dark Comedy" we felt like we'd won the frigging lottery. Although reading that sentence back makes me think that I, perhaps, have a narrow perspective on just what it would actually be like to win the lottery...

0:20 - The catchy but creepy score you hear through this entire thing comes courtesy of Frank Slodysko, and I really can't say enough about how much it adds to the production. At some point during the script-writing process, I remember someone saying how important the music would be to this movie, and at the time all I could think was: "Wow, he's right. Shit, I hope somebody's gonna get on that..."

0:24 - "burntwire.tv": The name of the videocast from our producer and co-producer, siblings Marie and Jose Hernandez. Or, as one of our actors referred to them, "the Hernandi."

0:31 - "Viral Media Network": Principally Sam Jack and Colin Murray, without whom there would be no Variety Society (a couple of my acquaintances are right now making snide remarks in that vein, so I'd like to take this opportunity to say fuck you guys).

0:28 - Every time I see that Gay Pride flag flapping in the background I remember the discussion about what the weather would be like for outdoor shooting that day. According to Jose, sunny days look good on camera and cloudy days make for good atmosphere, but a windy day just fucks everything up.

So during the screening I could not stop assessing the wind level during every single team's movie, and sure enough, he's right, wind really does just fuck up your scene, including one case where it blew away the script the lead actor was surreptitiously reading from.

0:53 - Justin Lane Lutter, of course, being the head writer on “The Variety Society”, which primarily just means he’s in charge of me. When I see this credit I can’t help but think about his proposed on-air supervillain character called the “Head Writer”, who knocks people out and writes messages on their foreheads.

Yeah, I know, but trust me, it'll be funny when he actually does it...

1:04 - This porch plus all of the exteriors for the murder scenes are Jose’s place.

Crazy thing about this building is that inside there is a video intercom, and when you push the button expecting to just get voice you may be startled by the image that pops up on the screen. Even more startled is the person on the porch, who likely does not know they are on camera. If I lived here, I'm certain I would find some way to abuse this gadget within a week.

The interiors are from Peter Samuels’ place across town, whose very large apartment is probably too nice for these characters to be living in, but it looked good and was spacious enough to shoot in easily, so fuck it.

1:12 - Here’s Alec Ditonto as Dan Sagan, the debt collector. Dan the Debt Collector was the assigned character that every team had to include. Alec might have thought I was laying it on thick when I kept praising him for this thirty second part, but I really was happy with how natural his delivery was compared to some of the eleven other Dan Sagan’s we saw at the screening.

For the record, we’re quite aware that debt collectors don’t usually show up in person to deliver a summons, but we had to think of some reason why he would be at the door instead of just calling like most collection agents do. So to review, we explained away something he wouldn’t do by having him do something else he wouldn’t do. Did I mention we only had 48 hours to get this done?

1:18 - And here’s Erik Braa, the Variety Society’s announcer. Really though, I’m doing him a disservice by referring to him just as that, because Erik is an incredibly talented voice actor who is probably really too good for our show. I encourage you to stop reading me right now and instead go to his site and listen to his demo, because it’s blisteringly funny. Really, it left blisters.

1:38 - Finally we have Sam Jack, executive producer on the Variety Society, and alter ego of the California Crusher. Last time we saw Sam he was wearing shorts and a California state flag as a cape, rolling around on our stage singing karaoke, and threatening to bleach his hair in front of the audience (which he then did). Some day the world will truly appreciate our art.

If you watch the movie again (hint hint), pay close attention to Sam’s various reactions, because some of them are just inspired. And we learn so much from Sam in this movie! For example: no matter how shocking the news you’re receiving is, it’s probably not necessary to get up off the couch over it. And for the love of God, don’t stop watching TV or eating cookies.

In short, don’t do anything crazy.

1:45 - Once we’d agreed on the story, the washing bloody hands in the sink image was the first thing that popped into my head. I’d like to say that I immediately thought of it as a good way to clue the audience in to what was going on as quickly and easily as possible, but in truth that just occurred to me right this second.

The “Serial Killer Roommate” idea was one of about fourteen or fifteen initial story pitches we came up with (some of which were so good I wish we had a chance to still do them). It went through so many variations and permutations that I honestly do not remember whose idea it originally was (although that’s a pretty good indicator that it wasn’t mine). It might be the least original or clever concept on the list, but also the one that most easily lent itself to dark comedy. Originality is overrated anyway (said the would-be screenwriter...).

2:00 - In the script, one of the explanations Erik gives for the bloody hands and sink is “a bird flew into the garbage disposal.” All I can say by way of an explanation is that it was very late when we were finishing this up.

2:47 - “Do you have any questions?” was the required line of dialogue that had to be included. See, this is why you can’t put me in charge of a thing like this, because I would have forced people to use “This octopus is too buttery!” or something like that. Cuz I’m a dick.

3:06 - Jose cameos as the cable guy, which is appropriate, since the “kill the cable guy to get free cable,” joke was his idea. And that’s one of the best examples I can cite of how a seemingly small contribution makes a big difference in a collaboration, because once the idea that the character kills people just as a convenient way to get things he wants was introduced here, it almost immediately became the entire story.

3:30 - Oh God, the dead Girl Scout. When certain people see this, I’m just never going to hear the end of it.

Why a Girl Scout, you may ask? Well, here’s something I’ve learned about trying to make a movie or a TV show when you have absolutely no time or money: if you write a scene or a joke that revolves around a costume or prop that no one has at that moment, you can kiss that idea goodbye. But if someone actually has an unusual costume or prop on hand, it pretty much has to be used. To do otherwise would seem downright irresponsible.

So once we learned that someone had this Girl Scout costume leftover from Bay to Breakers, that clinched it, the Girl Scout was going in. At one point I even tried to object, but Justin overruled me with: “We already have the costume!” And I couldn’t gainsay that. It’s a solid argument.

That’s Melissa Davies playing the world’s tallest Girl Scout, by the by. Like Alec, I think she might have been skeptical of the praise I heaped on her miniscule role, but every time I see her peering into that window and then shouting “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!” like a Tourette's outburst, I crack up.

3:42 - You wouldn’t believe the huge laugh this scene got in the theater, so much so that it drowned out the next joke. It’s nice to know that other people are not, in fact, better than I am after all.

Justin pitched an ending where the not-quite dead Girl Scout climbs out of the planter and gets revenge on Erik. I honestly don’t know why we didn’t go with that, it would have been hilarious. But for some stupid reason I didn’t like it at the time, so I guess you’ve got me to blame.

4:00 - Chalk was the required prop, and we thought of the outline very early in the process (we weren’t even out of the car, in fact). Lots of other teams had the same idea.

Suggested but unused ideas for funny chalk outlines included a marching band, Civil War re-enactors, a ventriloquist and his dummy, a weightlifter, and a guy in a mascot costume. The last line about the Chinese New Year parade was supposed to match a chalk outline of five or six guys under the big dragon costume they use for that, but I suspect it was too hard to draw.

4:48 - Alec’s socks are not an intentional wardrobe choice, they just happened to be the socks he wore that day. Happy accident, as they also got a huge laugh at the screening.

If the camera had pulled back a bit more, you would see that Alec is being towed in an old toy wagon that matches the color of his socks. Believe it or not, that wagon was just lying around the yard, apparently belonging to a neighbor who has a large collection of toys for unspecified Burning Man-related purposes...

5:00 - So, I got in from the scripting session at about three in the morning. At five that same morning I got out of bed, booted up my computer, and sent an email pointing out an oversight we’d all made: earlier Erik says he wouldn’t kill Sam because “Who would pay the rent?” but then at the end of the movie he appears to be ready to do just that.

This bit with the rent check was added the day of shooting, I assume to fill in that hole. I just bring this up because I’d like it noted that although I am dimly aware that to some people that five AM fresh-out-of-bed-after-two-hours-of-sleep email might seem strange, in my private little world this is what passes for normal behavior.

5:05 - I literally never get tired of hearing Erik say “Wanna help me bury a body? It’s gonna be super fun!” It’s the little things that help you get by day to day.

5:27 - We spent hours trying to figure out how to end this thing. We were pretty sure someone had to die, but we couldn’t figure out who or how. Does Erik kill Sam? Does Sam kill Erik? Hardly anything else COULD happen, but both resolutions felt predictable.

This ambiguous ending was kind of a compromise, and I don’t think anyone was really happy with it, but once I saw it on screen I couldn’t imagine it ending any other way (except for Girl Scout revenge, perhaps), and the audience seemed to think it was hilarious. I credit Erik’s delivery and Frank’s score for selling it.

5:33 - There are 17 different people credited, which is a pretty good indicator of how much more work goes into even a very short movie than I or probably you ever considered.

Talking to Melissa after the screening, I discovered that a scene of her hand bursting out of the planter box had been shot as a joke. I really wish I’d been there for editing, because I would have insisted on including it as a stinger after the credits.

Summer Mockbusters: Green Lantern.

In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight-wait, the fuck, who writes this crap?

You know that power ring is supposed to translate millions of alien languages, and I gotta wonder, does the oath have a shitty AAAA rhyme scheme in all of them? Because that's an accomplishment, but not one you should be proud of.

Hell with it, we've got bigger fish to fry. This is "Green Lantern", and let it be said that I go in with a bias. I love Geoff Johns' Green Lantern series, and so like all true fans of any nerd-based property, I am deadset on hating any and all mainstream media adaptations, even though I have loudly requested them.

That's right, I am a naysayer. Nay I say, nay! Okay, buckle up, here we go...

Green Lantern

Directed by: The best friend Daniel Craig ever had.

Starring: The strangest assortment of large-headed creatures ever to appear in one film.

Basics:

Well, when Julius Schwartz joined DC Comics in the 50s he had the idea of reinventing a few old superhero books with a contemporary spin grounded in modern culture. So he got Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams to come up with a concept and then up until the early 1990s...

(Several hours pass)

...so anyway, that's why I think the white power battery is probably the only thing that can permanently destroy the Anti-Monitor.

Wait, what were we talking about?

The Good:

I hate Ryan Reynolds.

I mean, okay, fine, he was actually very good in "Buried", but that doesn't get him off the hook for, wait, what was it that he did that I hold against him? Oh yeah, EVERYTHING ELSE.

So as you can guess, I was not happy about this casting, at all. When I got the news, it was like the fourth highest thing on the list of shit that made me angry that day (I know that doesn't sound that bad, but it's a long list. I'm actually a really angry guy. I should probably get help. Especially since this red ring keeps floating around me and saying "RAGE!" all the time and trying to get me to put it on. That freaks me out).

But, as much as it pains me to admit it at this late hour, having seen the movie, I am forced to admit that he's...not that bad in it. There, there, I said it, are you happy? Are you happy now, universal power that reverses my predetermined expectations? Do you just loooove making me look like a jackass like this?

You know what, just kick me in the balls instead, okay, because that's less painful than admitting what I just said. So go on, just kick me squarely in the balls, and GET IT OVER WITH! Who's knocking on my door?

Dude, not now, I've got four different things to write tonight. By the way your, uh, cat looks sick back there. You should get him checked out. By a fire-proof vet.

Yes, Reynolds is perfectly fine in this. Not great, but he really does achieve something superhuman by somehow reciting the goofy Green Lantern oath and making it sound really cool. Twice. I cannot shit on the guy after that. I'd like to, but I can't.

Reynolds shares the screen with a cast of pretty good supporting actors, best of which is clearly Peter Sarsgaard, whose surprisingly creepy, graphic, David Cronenberg-laced transformation into something that looks like Jabba the Hutt's balls provides some of the better material in the movie (although considering that he starts off looking like a cross between Kelsey Grammar and John Holmes, it might be an improvement).

Oddly, the things that "Green Lantern" does best are the things that should be the hardest to translate to film. It has no problem effectively and convincingly communicating the idea that a planet of people with giant blue heads established an army of space cops and gave them all magic rings that can create anything you think of out of green light that's made out of your manifested willpower.

Totally works, didn't question it for a second. Kind of amazing, really, since that's a concept I never even completely bought as a comic.

It's really nice to see Abe Vigoda getting work again.

The Bad:

The Green Lantern was always kind of a B-string hero comic for most of its history. It was alright, but never that great, and it was hindered by some goofiness in its premise. Then six years ago Geoff Johns took over and turned the series into a bafflingly well-written space opera that, somehow, is one of the best mainstream American comics being written today.

I'm telling you all of this because it should be absolutely clear from the start: the people who wrote this movie weren't up to speed on any of that shit.

"Green Lantern" the movie feels like a GL story from 1991. And if this movie had come out in 1991, it would be pretty incredible. But, damn, we've had tons of superhero movies the last decade, in fact, we've had tons of superhero movies just in the last month and a half, and, like a high school freshman in a dick waving contest, this one just doesn't measure up (no, I'm not ashamed, and no, I don't care if you are).

It's not that it's bad exactly, it's just...flat. Uninventive. Pedestrian. Our hero can do anything and go anywhere, but he never really seems to want to. He can't figure out why he was chosen to be a hero, and honestly, most of the time neither can I. Couldn't we have gone with someone a little more outgoing and decisive like, I dunno, Hamlet?

Don't you hate it when you look into the dryer and realize you put your tiny Sarsgaard through the wash?

Bad computer-created effects are just a fact of life these days, like TV talking heads or herpes or the knowledge that we are all probably developing colon cancer even as we speak. You wish it wasn't so, but you just kinda deal with it.

So if I take the time to point out that the effects in a movie are bad, then they're REALLY bad. There's a helicopter crash in this movie that looks like the shark hologram from "Back to the Future Part 2". I've been pages of Green Lantern comics that look more convincing than this.

And take that silly-ass mask off!

The Ugly:

You know, I just don't look good in green. Not my color, never has been. Do you have a power ring in more of an onyx or a sable decor?

Whoa! Okay, forget I said anything.

Bottom Line:

"Green Lantern" is an underachiever, and somehow oddly unfinished. It succeeds at really difficult things but then fails at the simple stuff. And it feels dated, like a movie that was written for a different generation of summer action flicks, a time when were all more easily impressed.

I was going relatively easy on this movie at first, because it's not NEARLY as terrible as I thought it would be, and in fact the first half is a lot of fun. The ending was a letdown, but I was ready to give it a pass just for surmounting my low expectations. But as the day went on, my opinion of the movie went bad. It's like when you eat fast food and at first it's kinda okay, but then four hours later you get the taco shits.

So, "Green Lantern" is decent for an afternoon and then gives you mental intestinal gymnastics. Unlike my knack for analogies, which is usually sickening on the spot.

Trailer Park:

Breaking Dawn:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k3jWFiRkHuA

I know you expect me to run this down, but no, I'm not going to.

See, someone gave me the skinny on what happens in this book, and, really, wow. It turns out that Stephenie Meyer was some kind of Dexter-like closet sociopath this entire time, and once she had all of the teenage girls in America in the palm of her hand, she smashed them with a book that sounds like a David Lynch wet dream.

So I am genuinely curious how they're going to translate this warped, fucked-up vision to screen. Probably not curious enough to watch it, because really, haven't I suffered enough, but if the fangirl in your life comes down with PTSD this winter, you'll know why.

...I mean, does he really do it with the claws and his bare hands? Cuz that is hardcore. I don't think the AMA would approve.

Next Week: Nope. I ain't seeing "Cars 2". You know why? Because I don't have kids, and god damn it that comes with certain privileges. You who have spawned offspring, have fun watching the traffic.

Business card ideas.

1. "Adam L Brinklow, Slacker. (Since 1983!)"

2. "Certified non-infectious."

3. "Overly-frank appraisals of everything about you, ask me how!"

4. "Opinions and an asshole: I've got both!"

5." Future last angry man."

6. "Making the world slightly more awkward, one conversation at a time."

7. Both sides: "See other side for details."

8. "Receives sexual gratification from people handling his business cards."

Commence this.

Given the choice between hearing a commencement speech and having back to back colonoscopies sans lubrication or any kind of strap to bite down on...well, okay, I would probably go with commencement, but I really had to think hard about that one.

Most commencement speeches are the worst kind of nonsense, a sort of mass ass-kissing to a thousand anonymous asses. The only commencement speech I really liked was when Jeffrey Tambor spoke at my college graduation, and that's on account of he was brief and has a voice like a fine, smoky cheese.

Wow, I actually just creeped myself out with that last comment.

Nine times out of ten I can't shake the feeling that the speakers who tell graduates to go chase their dreams are the same people who are rejecting their job applications a few months later. Although, to my knowledge, Jeffrey Tambor has never turned me down for a job. I have so much to thank that man for.

When the revolution comes Jeffrey, you will be spared.

UC Berkeley's Haas School of Business tapped Barbara Desoer to give the commencement speech this year. Who is Barbara Desoer? President of home loans for Bank of America. BofA brought her on to oversee their purchase of Countrywide, which is sort of like being the surgeon who is called to transplant a diseased heart into a patient. Yes kids, someday that could be you...

***

Plain text = Desoer

Bold text = Me.

“Graduates, today is a touchstone event in your life. A day filled with pride in what you’ve accomplished…appreciation for the sacrifices made to reach this pinnacle…and anticipation of the limitless, wide-open potential that awaits.

“Unless of course any of you are planning on asking me for a home loan, in which case this is a day for crushing despair and all-annihilating disappointment.

“What will you build from this day forward?

“And can it possibly be as cool as the pyramid of shot glasses you built in the student union bar last night?

“An impressive resume, a life of accomplishment…of that I have no doubt.”

Clearly she wasn’t in the union bar.

“But, a life of meaning, of purpose…that is the more difficult quest and the one that as a Haas graduate you are uniquely positioned to navigate. At Haas, we talk about path-bending leaders – but I’d go a step further.”

Wait, I thought that Fire Nation killed the last of the path-benders a hundred years ago?

“With the tools and opportunities you’ve been given – you should be carving out new paths – bringing your ingenuity to bear on the difficult issues of the day – poverty, unemployment, the environment, access to healthcare…

“You kids really need to get on that stuff, because over at BofA we've pretty damn well fucked it up for everybody.

“You’re in a wonderful position to come out of school and make an impact, to influence the other side of the economic crisis.

“And by other side, I mean the one that I'm not on. Also known as the one where all of the crisis actually happened.

Ms. Desoer probably set the wrong tone when she chose this as her ride that day.

"I can’t think of a better place to be equipped for the challenges of our day than a school built on the same values that pioneered the West.”

Um, "Remember the Alamo", "Manifest Destiny", and "The only good Injun is a dead Injun"?

“An entrepreneurial spirit, willingness to seize opportunity, and an ability to innovate.”

Well, I was close.

“These are the same values needed in today’s business environment as we grow our economy, improve the quality of life for our citizens and further explore the global frontier.

“The next stage of global frontier exploration of course being sailing over the edge of the earth to the sea monster-riddled abyss below!

"It wasn’t that long ago…ok, it was pretty long ago…when I was sitting where you are. My experience at Haas was probably very similar to yours – except you have these beautiful new facilities – and my classmates and I had Barrows Hall where we fought the Economic students for space.

“It was right over that that I busted open an Econ major's head open with an axe handle. I did forty days in solitary for it. It was a different time then.

“But the exceptional faculty, diverse student body, and the thrill of being in the heart of one of the most dynamic academic communities in the country is just as true today as it was for me 35 years ago. “

So, not really that much at all, is what you're saying?

“The bedrock principles that Haas embodies have not changed since the school was founded more than 110 years ago.

"‘No blacks, no Jews, no wops.’

“So, that as alumni we all share a unique culture perfectly captured in the Defining Principles - Challenge the Status Quo, Confidence Without Attitude, Student Always and Beyond Yourself.”

Wow, those eleven words have been vainly struggling to form a complete sentence for 110 year huh? Maybe you should borrow some principles from the English department? Just saying...

“And, while commencement marks the end of your formal studies, it marks the beginning of a different kind of learning – where the only syllabus is the one you set and the only one who can determine if you’ve passed or failed is you.”

I hereby give myself full honors and nominate myself all-time MVP for life, double-bogey no take-backs.

“In the spirit of this continuing education, I want to offer three words of advice –

"No space docking.

Nope, can't show you that.

“Vision, valor and value. First, vision. Not far from here stands one of the most marveled upon man-made structures.

“I myself marveled on it just last Saturday, while drunk. You can still see the marvel stains.

“It exists because a young engineer had a vision for a mile-long suspension bridge to cross the San Francisco Bay. “

Actually it started when a crazy derelict ex-businessman declared himself emperor and issued a proclamation to dissolve Congress and then start with the bridge building.

That's not a joke, that really happened 150 years ago.

“You’ve gone to business school but don’t let yourself be defined by your degree.

“Leave that to your bosses, and, if need, be, your spouses.

“Keep an open mind about how you apply your degree, what you’ve learned and where that leads. Thirty years ago, I was a math nerd, whose dream job was sitting in an office, running models, where no one would bother me. When I came to Haas, my time here accelerated a change inside me and gave me the confidence to pursue a vision that took me away from my models and my four office walls.

“LSD will do crazy shit to you like that.

“And while I’m still a math nerd, I’ve learned how much I enjoy engaging and inspiring others in a common endeavor, being a part of a team and helping others succeed.

“In short, organized crime opened up wonderful new vistas in my life.

“Let your degree, all that you’ve learned and experienced strip away the boundaries of what you think you can achieve. Don’t stay in a lane that’s too well-defined. Dream boldly and you may surprise yourself and find the last thing on Earth you ever thought you’d be doing is the one thing that brings you the greatest fulfillment.”

By golly she's right! From this day forward I'm going to pursue the career path I always dreamed of: Chippendales dancer! Get me my bow tie!

Clearly this is my calling.

“The second word of advice is valor. In life you will experience failure. But, take pride in that because you can’t possibly succeed without the courage to fail.

“The further I get into this speech, the more firsthand experience I'm having with that tenet.

“An author extolling the benefits of failure had this to say:

‘Why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged.'

“But enough about the Marquis de Sade.

“After being unemployed, surviving on food stamps, and rejected more than a dozen times by publishers, J.K. Rowling had an intimate knowledge of failure, but it is her perseverance that is every bit as inspiring as her epic “Harry Potter” success.

“So I guess what I’m saying is, at some point in your life you may find that you’ve written ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’, but don’t let that discourage you! Get right back up on that horse!

“More often than not opportunity presents itself in the form of a challenge. I pride myself in being a process thinker but sometimes you have to be willing to just take that leap and risk where you’ll land.

"Sometimes you just have to say: ‘Fuck it, this time I go in bareback!’"

Jokes like that are the reason I never have anything to show prospective employers when they ask for writing samples, by the way.

“It is probably obvious how courage is needed in such situations – but it is needed every bit as much in the everyday of our lives… “

Everyone sitting through this speech was pretty clear on the concept by this point.

Actual image of crowd during Desoer speech.

“To keep us engaged, when we’ve just had our 10th conference call of the day.

“I mean my God, is there anything worse than having too much work in today’s economy?

“To not snap in a meeting, when we’re jetlagged and buzzed on caffeine.

"Please do the responsible thing and just bottle that aggression up inside and then release it after you get home to the family.

“To stay positive in the face of life’s little disappointments – rain on vacation, your favorite lipstick color discontinued, Pia getting voted off American Idol.”

Yeah, with 17% unemployment among new graduates, I'm sure Pia is what these kids will be struggling with most in the coming years...

“To say thank you, good job, and never underestimate the power of gratitude.”

"Or ambiguous syntax.

“Which brings me to my last word of advice - value. There is a horrible modern phenomenon that I am going to beg all of you not to fall prey to –”

Planking?

"Multi-tasking.”

Oh, so the opposite of planking.

By the way, those of you who Googled “space docking” earlier and are now afraid, you can look up “planking" without fear.

Also, for the record, I am genuinely sorry.

“It may seem like you’re being more productive, excelling at time management, and impressively dexterous - texting, tweeting, listening to a commencement speech – all at the same time.”

I've got news for you: they're really just texting and tweeting.

“But, I’m convinced as a society we’re more anxious and stressed because we’re trying to do too much at once – and in doing so end up doing none of it as well as we could. So, I’m going to champion single-tasking.

"In my day to day life, I don't concentrate on destroying an entire economy, I just crush one family's dream of owning a home as thoroughly as I can and then I move on to the next.

"Focusing your mind, time and energy – to bring the full value of what you have to offer to the task at hand, to your passions, your family, and your community.

"To review: single task about your passions, family, community, and the task at hand. Single-task all four of those things at once.

“To be fully present in all your endeavors. To make courageous choices – deciding in the face of competing demands where you will get and give the most value.

"Otherwise life just ends up like a bad threesome: someone is always getting left out.

“Because, what really matters in life is connection – not connectivity. Relationships – not quantity of facebook friends. Investing in people and communities – not investments.”

Wait, don't invest in investments, don't connect with connectivity, is this the speech for the graduating class of Oceania or something?

Big Brother was always copying off of my test during finals.

“A quote that has always had meaning for me and I keep above my desk is this one by Maya Angelou: ‘I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’”

Oh yes, Maya Angelou and the Bank of America loan department, truly kindred spirits.

“I’ve said more than three words –”

I actually lost count at three.

“But I do hope these will stick with you – vision, valor and value. In a day of celebration take a moment for reflection. Write down your biggest, boldest dreams and keep that with you as a reminder of what you want to achieve.”

Okay: Become Kin Sa-Rang's sex slave, invent personal jetpack that runs off of white wine, and develop personal dialect ofthe English language so that I will never have to speak directly to another human being again.

Hey, quit reading my biggest, boldest dreams, those are private!

“Hold tight to the dreams of your youth and carry forward from this day the passion and excitement you feel. Let your compass be the limitless line of the horizon – “

How'd that work for Amelia Earhart?

“Seeing beyond what is in front of you and having the courage to go beyond yourself and be extraordinary.”

That sounds like a call for more LSD.