I've got something in my eye of the beholder.

I'm going to show you two pictures of ostensibly the same person. First, here's model Raquel Zimmermann as she looks without any make-up, airbrushing, or calculated lighting:

Barring the fact that she is apparently vacationing in an early print of "Eraserhead", I'd say she's a fetching lass.

Now, here's Raquel Zimmermann as she appears on the runway, assisted by make-up, body paint, lighting, and possibly duct tape:

Or perhaps I've made a mistake and that is, in fact, a picture of an escaped nuclear mannequin from the year 3000 here to subjugate the human race and harvest our brain stems? Or maybe the poster for "Black Swan" come to horrifying life? Or a stray banshee blown in off of some windy Irish moors, here to portend our doom?

Or maybe the beauty industry has forgotten where the line between "beauty" and "ghastly, bloodless, inhuman succubus" is, exactly. If so, let me be of service: it's there. It's RIGHT there.

Nation shocked by first of its kind infidelity scandal.

The world is still reeling from the revelation that former California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child outside of his marriage.

The news is particularly surprising considering Schwarzenegger's background as an athlete, an actor, and a politician; three types of people traditionally known for scrupulous observance of their wedding vows.

"I was shocked at the very idea," said former South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. "For an American politician to be having an ongoing affair while in office, it might be unprecedented."

"I'm not sure I even completely understand the concept," said former House Speaker and presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, furrowing his brow and tripping over his words as he tried to come to terms with the news. "I never even stopped to think that it was possible to have sex with someone other than your wife. What kind of American office-holder does that?"

"This could shake people's basic sense of confidence in their elected officials," said former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. "It's the kind of blow that the public might never recover from. And I know a thing or two about unusual blows."

Spitzer vainly struggles to understand infidelity concept. "Like a riddle wrapped in an enigma," he said.

Schwarzenegger's backers have expressed confusion and outrage for weeks; an understandable reaction given the first-of-its-kind nature of his transgression. The news threatens to derail his return to acting, as prominent figures from all over Hollywood joined the chorus expressing consternation at his behavior.

"He might never recover from this," said Jude Law. "Maybe in some professions you can get caught red handed at that kind of thing and still find work, but not here."

"There really are some things that you do that just never go away," said legendary director Roman Polanski. "People won't go to your movies if they're always thinking about that one terrible thing that you did that everyone knows about that's been hanging over your head ever since. Even thirty, thirty four years later, you'll just never get your career back."

"Easily the most sordid Hollywood story I've ever heard," said Polanski. "Ever."

Given his background as a bodybuilder, one would hope that Schwarzenegger would have kept the basic moral integrity that competitive athletes are known for.

"It's a damn shame," said golf star Tiger Woods, who declined to comment any further on the grounds that virtually everything funny about him has already been said three times.

"This is almost as bad as if he had been caught using steroids," added Lance Armstrong.

Americans will continue to long for the halcyon days of a few weeks ago when they could trust their public figures to behave like Quaker elders, but the former governor's behavior has forever ravaged the tender, naive sensibilities of this young nation.

Pictured: Former governor not diddling house staff. Public assumed that such images accounted for 100% of Schwarzenegger's activities.

Fans and supporters can only look back on Schwarzenegger's fifty years of international fame and wonder where it all went wrong.

Summer Mockbusters: Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

Since the world did not end as scheduled, it's back to the theatre to me, following the inexorable summons of nature, much the same way that the noble salmon swims upstream through various and sundry obstacles as part of the eventual culmination of its lifespan.

So to review: I am a salmon. Or something like that.

This week brings yet another "Pirates of the Caribbean" movie. Wow. I can understand how someone might want to make this movie, the same way that you might want to tell your sister's husband that you think he's a complete asshole and that his buzzcut makes him look like a date rapist, but in both of those cases I would assume that everyone has a kind of mental filter that stops them from actually going through with such tempting but ill-conceived ideas.

Live and learn.

Pirates of the Caribbean: A Meaningless Subtitle.

Directed by: Not Gore Verbinski.

Starring: Not Orlando Bloom, Not Keira Knightley, Not Jonathon Pryce, Not Jack Davenport, Not Bill Nighy, Not Tom Hollander, Not Lee Arenberg, Not Mackenzie Crook, Not Naomi Harris, Not Stellan Skarsgard. But still Damian O’Hare, of all people. Oh, and the mascara guy, of course.

Basics:

Do you really need me to tell you what this movie is about? What are these movies always about? It’s always everyone chasing a magic something or other.

In the first movie, everyone wanted a ship, or an amulet, or whatever was in Keira Knightley’s corset. In the second movie everyone wanted “the chest”, which, amazingly, was not another reference to Keira Knightley’s goods. And the third movie was about...what, a heart, I think? I didn't pay enough attention.

This time it’s the Fountain of Youth. Although why Johnny Depp would be keen on that when he hasn't visibly aged in at least fifteen years is anyone's guess.

The Good:

Clearly these movies have a certain je ne sais quoi about them, as evidenced by the fact that no one has yet tried to knock them off. You would have thought that with the success of the original film in 2003 that some two dollar an hour hack would have pushed a similar but inferior swashbuckling action comedy onto a producer with a room temperature IQ, but that doesn't seem to have happened.

So instead it's here; big stunts, big performances, whacky humor, and that incredibly catchy Hans Zimmer score, and yes, in fairness, there is still a bit of new car smell to the whole thing, on account of the surprising dearth of imitators.

Depp and Cruz do their best to sneak back onto the set without looking like they were totally doing it in those bushes.

Since only a handful of the original cast members return, newly conscripted actors and characters must fill out the cast, giving us Ian McShane, who looks an awful lot like a Halloween mask of himself, and Penelope Cruz, who uses the word "chalices" a lot, invariably causing you to think about her rack (and she says it at least twice more than is explicitly necessary). Though technically antagonists, they’re our best written characters, and their ambiguous relationship is surprisingly complex.

And then there are the mermaids. Yes, mermaids. Let me ask you, you remember those other Disney mermaid movies? Well, this is NOT like that! No more night swimming for me, ever. What's that, beautiful half-French half-Spanish mermaid girl played by an actress named Astrid? You want me to come swim with you? Well, last week I would have kicked a nun down some stairs for an offer like that, but now I say fuck you devil woman, you swim one foot closer to me and I will club your scaly ass with an oar!

See, one of the things that made that original 2003 flick great was that it was a PG-rated Disney movie that still adopted certain horror movie sensibilities, and did so very effectively. Only now, in the third bleeding sequel, has anyone managed to reproduce that effect with this mermaid scene, which is beautifully shot, is accompanied by a rich Hans Zimmer-score, and is scary enough to probably make me piss my pants next time I watch "Splash", not that that's likely to happen anytime soon.

I'm starting to miss the days when you just found dolphins caught in your tuna nets.

The Bad:

Sigh.

Look, if you're one of those people who really, really likes these movies, then you'll like this. It's not really a good movie, but it's good enough that most people won't care.

What am I going to say that will dissuade you? And for that matter, why would I want to dissuade you? Go, run, prance and frolic in the fields, know a greater joy than an embittered curmudgeon like me can possibly know! Go!

Alright, now that they're gone, the rest of us can talk turkey; this movie's got fucking problems. This movie is like that friend you have who's really nice and well-intentioned but can't hold down a job or stay in an apartment and keeps going back to that guy who doesn't treat her right and let me tell you girl the good Lord know I stuck by you through thick and thin but you gotta wise up now and get on the right path because the day be comin' when...we're getting off topic.

This whole franchise is built around Johnny Depp, but his character really, really, really cannot carry a movie on his own, much less four movies. Captain Jack wasn't the main character of the original "Pirates", he was the whacky sidekick. Making him into the main character is like filling a swimming pool with cement; you can't really ever succeed, because even if you do it, a swimming pool full of cement is not a swimming pool full of cement, it's a sidewalk.

The movie was originally not in 3D, but it turns out Ian McShane is so badass that 2D images of him just become 3D spontaneously.

No one in "Pirates 4" can ever just do anything, they've gotta talk about it first, and then they've gotta drop some exposition, and then they have to make some sort of clandestine agreement, and then they have to do three or four other things, and then they have to switch sides at least once, and then they have to pretty much discard the reason they wanted to do the first thing but still go ahead and do it anyway.

Imagine if I was out of milk, so first I went to a friend of mine and we talked for a bit about the nature of milk and how it comes from cows and how the best cows in the world come from Wisconsin, and then I need to go chat up someone else so that I can get the shoes I need to go to the store to buy the milk, but first I have to do something for her so that she'll give me the shoes and then even after I have the shoes she's following me because she wants milk too and now I need to get my keys but first I have to have a chase scene across the clothelines and fences of my neighbor's back yard and then I drop the keys into the bed of a truck and then we have to chase the truck in a taxi and then we get the keys but we don't need them anymore because the taxi already took us to the store but then the store is being robbed and WILL SOMEONE JUST GET ME SOME MILK ALREADY?

Which might not be so bad if this weren't the fourth time in eight years that that or something very much like it had happened.

Wow, this alternate ending to "Volver" went in a really, really weird direction.

The Ugly:

For a franchise about pirates, there's surprisingly little piracy in these movies. Does Johnny Depp ever actually rob ships? I've pirated more shit with this computer in the last hour than his character has in four movies. I don't know why but this really bothers me.

Being a pirate in this movie seems to consist mostly of chasing Indiana Jones-style treasure while intermittently acting like an asshole in an amusing way. I guess "Assholes of the Caribbean" is a less marketable title, but I'd still see it.

Bottom Line:

Going in, I was of the opinion that there’s no reason for this movie to have been made. Coming out, I was forced to agree with myself.

Look, “Pirates 4” is really not a bad movie. But it’s certainly not a good movie either. Huge fans will be happy. No one else should bother showing up. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go install mermaid-repelling screens in all of my drains. I'm pretty sure they can't swim up through the plumbing, but "pretty sure" just doesn't cut it for me.

Trailer Park

Real Steel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T75j9CoBVzE&feature=relmfu

My desire to play Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots with Hugh Jackman exceeds what anyone would probably consider a healthy level. But my desire to watch other people play Rock-Em Sock-Em Robots with Hugh Jackman is next to nil.

Harry Potter and the Towering Box Office-Part 2:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_kDb-pRCds

We’re not going to have to watch ghostly Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson make out again, are we? Because I’m still not done feeling uncomfortable after the last movie.

Next Week: I get a hangover. No, that's not right. I get a hangover twice? Still not quite right. I see "The Hangover 2"? Maybe I should go back to the first way.

Tim LaHey's, "The Last Blog Ever."

As you may know, Oakland's Harold Camping has predicted that the end of the world will begin in New Zealand on Friday, 11:00 PM Pacific time.

And then, kindly sticking to a time zone-specific schedule as it sweeps West, eventually get to California around 6:00 PM Saturday.

Somehow I don't think this is exactly what we should expect.

In all fairness to Camping, he's only been wrong about the Apocalypse once before (in 1994), and he's got of lot of people taking this seriously. You might think the prospect of world-ending catastrophe would dampen my sense of humor, but on the contrary, I relish the opportunity before me.

I plan to simultaneously update all of my blogs at about ten 'till the onset of doomsday, which means that, with any luck at all, I will have the privilege of telling:

THE LAST JOKE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

Of course, we'll have all day to wait for it to get here from the other hemisphere, but I would guess that at that point most of us won't be in the mood for laughs. So, just like aiming to have the first baby of the new year, I feel I've at least got a reasonable shot at delivering mankind's last (recorded) punchline.

It goes without saying that this is a humbling responsibility, which I've taken on myself for basically no reason beyond the fact that I wanna and that I'm very unlikely to leave any other legacy, unless of course you count that stain on the rec hall ceiling circa 1992 or so.

For the record, the record of course being of even greater importance now than ever, this is not a joke of my own devising, but I feel no particular need to credit the source because, come on, what's he gonna do, sue me after the world ends?

Close, but still not quite there.

And now, without further ado (because I would guess we only have a couple more minutes at this point), I give you:

THE LAST JOKE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

Ahem.

"The Seven Dwarves got to the Vatican, and Dopey asks the Pope:

'Are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?'

And the Pope says 'No, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy.'"

And the other six dwarves all start cracking up. So Dopey asks: 'Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?'

And the Pope says: 'No, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.'

And the other dwarves start cracking up even more.

So finally Dopey asks: 'Are there any dwarf nuns in the entire world?'

And the Pope says: 'No, there are no dwarf nuns in the entire world.'

At which point all six other dwarves start hooting and hollering and laughing like mad and chanting:

'You know what that means?

'Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!'"

***

And there you have it. Somehow this just feels like the proper note to go out on.

There it is! That's the shit you gotta be looking out for.

By my clock, I have about twenty five seconds left to repent. If, on the twenty sixth second, nothing has happened yet, I will then most likely keep with the Disney theme and be back with a joke about how Eeyore is gay. What? Come on, think about it he gets nailed in the butt every week!

Boom! Yes! You all saw it: last second pre-Apocalypse gay joke! I can NOT, BE, STOPPED!

Virtually Tone-Deaf.

We all know how it is; every few months some pundit with too little to do releases a press blurb about the dangers of violent video games. Take the thoughtful words of Helga LaRouche as an example:

"Video games were identified and exposed as what they really are: 'killing simulators' that are used to produce shooters on 'automatic pilot.'"

"The video game industry [commits] mental genocide, or 'menticide,' in both brainwashing young people with a cult of violence, and also training them to kill at the same time."

"Don't worry about guns, because Pokémon-trained kids will kill you with fire, lightning, electricity, or anything else."

So then with Helga's recommendation in mind, you go out and buy the game she's talking about, and then you get pissed, because it's nothing like she said! Where is the remorseless, murder-inducing killing simulator you paid for?

Well that's all over now, because here at SoftTarget, we've created a new gaming franchise that will finally provide the instructive violence that you've been missing!

Introducing: "Murder Death: the Game That Teaches Children to Kill", or MDGTTCK for short (just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?).

ProTip: Remember kids, not only is dismemberment a fun hobby, it ensures that no one can escape you by playing possum!

Here at SoftTarget, we understand that violent media doesn't make children violent, and that's why we game developers really need to step up our efforts to change that. Teenage homicide rates in the first world are way, way below even the most conservative projections made by industry pioneers back in the 80s.

Sure, we can hardly be blamed for being distracted by the truckloads of money we've been making, but I think too many in our field have lost sight of what our real bottom line is: promoting actual violence in as direct a manner as possible. That's why we've worked as hard as we have to make MDGTTCK dangerous to society's moral fiber. Playing MDGTTCK isn't exactly the same as committing real crimes; it's slightly more fun!

The player begins at level one: "BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!"

First, our patented PREDATOR subprogram will use the detailed personal information that the child provided us with as prerequisite for playing the game to check all relevant databases to see if either parent or legal guardian is a registered gun owner.

Next the game will furnish the child with information about the gun's make and model along with helpful hints for stealing it without getting caught. In absence of a gun in the house, the game will instead direct the child to the nearest gun show and/or NRA office. Non-American children will be encouraged to move.

ProTip: If you find yourself still able to distinguish fantasy from reality, try cutting yourself off from the latter.

Google Maps will be used to generate a level that matches the appearance of the child's own residential street for the game's inaugural massacre. Our advanced software simulates the actual specs and behavior of the gun we've helped the child acquire, so that he can get a feel for what to expect when he really pulls the trigger.

Helpful lessons in human anatomy will appear in the tutorial window, along with tips from experts, such as: "Aim for the center body mass and confirm two hits before moving on," and "Mercy is for the weak; practice on small animals first to dull your sense of empathy and compassion."

Once the game has instructed the child on the basic mechanics of homicide, it's time for level two: "BE LIKE THOSE KIDS FROM THE 90s!"

Since the Columbine high school massacre was so long ago that most young people today would probably never have heard about it if not for frequent references from would-be moral guardians like LaRouche, first an informative cinematic sequence will educate them about their new role models, accompanied by the most vulgar and immoral Satanic 90s rock music that can be pirated.

Next PREDATOR will access the floorplan and layout of the child's actual school and generate a level map that imitates it as closely as possible (the child is encouraged to feed the game photographic images of the school and/or classmates to help make the game environment more immersive).

ProTip: Remember kids, everyone is your enemy. Trust no one. They are demons in disguise.

The on-screen tutorial will teach the player how to tailor acts of violence to create the biggest media sensation possible, with insights like: "Convince your parents to move you to a middle class school with lots of white kids; inner city school violence never kicks off Congressional hearings", and "Remember, this IS a competition; no one remembers any of those shootings where fewer people died."

Kids are in for a real treat with level three: "KILL HELGA LAROUCHE!"

Yes, we've really outdone ourselves this time. This level is based on the LaRouche family's real home, complete with full address and the multiple weaknesses of their actual security system, and the bedrooms of each family member labeled. Be sure to patch frequently so that we can continue to keep you up to date on the LaRouches' present whereabouts.

ProTip: The remaining parent will probably force you to clean that bathtub. Better make it both.

Finally, the game caps off with the final stage: "GOD IS DEAD, ALL HAIL THE NEW DARK MASTER!"

With law enforcement closing in, it seems that bloody martyrdom is the only possible end for our player, unless of course they turn to the one and only true path for salvation: Satan!

Onscreen instructions from Harry Potter will teach the child how to invoke the Dark Father and barter their immortal soul for the power to crush all enemies under their heel. Successfully completely the built-in Satanism simulator will trigger a flash sequence that projects the entirety of the Necronomicon onto the child's cornea for 1/98th of a second, burning its unspeakable revelations into the child's subconscious and assuring the swift retardation of all complex emotions and higher thought!

And now, a word from our legal department:

Electronic games sometimes contain mature, adult-oriented content not suitable for children. That's why we work extra hard to make sure kids can still get their grubby little hands on them.

Electronic games are meant to be a form of entertainment and do not promote actual acts of violence. Except for our games. We are the sworn enemies of Jesus and all that is good and decent in the world.

Know-it-alls like Jack Thompson and LaRouche PAC tried to warn you, but our treasonous commie allies in the media already poisoned the well ahead of time. Now your childrens' fragile psyches are mere playthings in our Godless hands, as we reprogram them one by one to hate you and themselves with a hate that is equal parts destructive and self-destructive.

Well that's a good start, but now try turning ninety degrees toward each other.

Brought to you by SoftTarget: Building a better yesterday (by comparison).

Summer Mockbusters: Priest.

The crazy thing is that I really hate ostentatious internet nerds who go around "reviewing" things left and right. Why then am I still doing this? Well, the answer is that I'm an incredible snob and I assume that whatever use I'm putting social media to, it's just plain better than everyone else's. I'm even considering launching my own version of YouTube called "MeTube". It's like YouTube, but without everyone else's crap cluttering it up.

Anyway, this week's movie is "Priest". Why in the name of sweet Valhalla did I go to see "Priest"? Because it was this or a movie called "Bridesmaids." Or, ya know, just stay home, but fuck that noise.

Priest

Directed by: The guy who did "Legion" (oh man, this is gonna go down hard...).

Starring: Tony Starke's computer, Paul Walker's doppelganger from "Burlesque", Young DeForest Kelley, and oh Maggie Q, I like the way you walk, I like the way you talk, Maggie Q.

Basics:

The world is overrun with vampires and it's up to Ethan Hawke to discover the cure. No, wait, that was "Daybreakers".

This movie is about Denzel Washington wandering a post-apocalyptic wasteland with the last Bible in the world. Um, no, wait, that was "Book of Eli".

Actually, this is the one where Josh Brolin has a scarred face and John Malkovich breaks the universe by somehow overacting and underacting at the same time. No, no, I'm thinking of "Jonah Hex".

Odd, I can't seem to distinguish this movie from a half dozen vaguely similar movies I saw last year. Hang on, I'm sure it'll all come back to me, just give me a second.

The Good:

There was a time when you could genre-type a movie with one or two words: horror, western, action drama, etc. These days, you can throw ten words onto even a simple film, in this case, a post-apocalyptic sci fi western horror action kung fu flick.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, there's something undeniably appealing on an elemental level about a movie where Paul Bettany is a ninja assassin priest who fights vampires in a radioactive wasteland. It's kind of like pizza or a handjob: even when it's bad, it's still kinda good.

I would even go so far as to say that visually, it's an accomplishment, with simple but dynamic, high contrast imagery and minimalist cinematography that-wait, you're still kinda weirded out that I compared it to pizza and a handjob, aren't you? Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, I would go back and delete it but that key is broken. If it's any consolation, I feel a deep and abiding shame.

Oh, did I mention Maggie Q is in this movie? Oh Maggie Q, you say you'll be true, you say that you'll be mine, baby all the time, oh Maggie Q. Whoa, sorry, I went to a Creedance place there for a minute, that happens sometimes.

Vampire apocalypse finally convinces the Vatican to cave on women in the clergy. Still holding out on gay marriage.

Actually, “Priest” has a remarkably good cast all around. Sometimes I think that studios just store Christopher Plummer in closet somewhere and any movie that has room can take him out, dust him off, give him coffee and wardrobe, and boom, he's cast.

The Bad:

Was anyone really looking forward to this?

Okay, anyone else? Show of hands? Anybody? No? Okay, then you don't need me to tell you that "Priest" is stupid. It's exactly as stupid as you think it is.

Whereas a movie like last week's "Thor" is stupid in a clever, self-effacing, tongue in cheek way, "Priest" plays the stupid elements completely straight. "Priest" is the non-ironic emo kid in your class, the one who lives the gimmick with tunnel vision.

For example, I can say without hyperbole that "Priest" contains the single dumbest stunt I've ever seen. Picture this: Maggie Q throws two rocks into the air (now picture Maggie Q throwing rocks into the air in slow motion...in a swimsuit...and heels...hang on, the Creedance is coming back, give me a second), then Paul Bettany jumps into the air, "lands" on the rocks while they're still airborne, and then (wait for it) jumps off of them to get more height. Like this was Super Mario Bros and he's jumping off of those magical floating blocks.

No, just no.

Karl Urban knows he's too cool to show his entire face in this shitty movie.

I'm actually starting to forget that Paul Bettany is a good actor. In fact, I think he's forgetting it too. The man has got some kind of talent amnesia. I think he got hit on the head, woke up thinking that he was Stuart Townshend, and has been letting himself get cast accordingly every since.

Bettany seems to be getting typecast as the religious guy who kills a lot of people, which is such a strange character niche to fall into I can't imagine it was entirely accidental.

And then there's Cam Gigandet. Yes, that's a real name, but if you at first thought it was two rejected names for web browsers put side by side I wouldn't blame you. Maybe it's immature to be picking on an actor's funny name, but believe me, if that's the worst feedback he gets after this movie, he should kiss my fucking hand.

Let me ask you, is there such a thing as an anti-Oscar? Like, an award made out of anti-matter from the Bizarro dimension that will cancel out an equivalent future Oscar, should the bearer of the anti-Oscar ever receive one? If not, I would first like to propose such a thing, and then I would like to nominate Gigandet for one. Maybe two, if we also hold "The Unborn" against him.

And it really feels like we ought to.

The Ugly:

You notice that throwing ninja stars in slow motion has become a hallmark of a certain breed of shitty action movie over the last ten years?

I'd like to see a movie where Kate Beckinsale, Rain, Colin Farrell, and Paul Bettany spend 90 minutes jumping through the air in slow motion and throwing ninja stars at each other. And the winner will face Lucy Liu, who has probably done more slow motion ninja star-throwing movies than most equivalent actors have done movies, ever.

"There's nothing you could have done. Had you been there, you'd have been killed too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire."

Bottom Line:

I could almost recommend "Priest" as a late night rental or Instant Watch pick. Ya know, the kind of movie you watch when your only alternatives are getting drunk alone or going to bed at nine o'clock (or in my case, spilling 1500 words on this crap).

Because there are, in fact, the shades of a cool movie here. Karl Urban and Paul Bettany kung fu fight on top of a moving train full of vampires, you can't tell me that doesn't sound at least a little cool, right?

Well, it's not. "Priest" is just too dumb to even be good in an ironic way. It's so dumb it could be Miss Teen USA South Carolina. I'd honestly recommend "Bridesmaids" over this. I didn't see "Bridesmaids", but I think I probably should have. If there's even one laugh line in it, then it's a better use of your time.

Trailer Park:

Colombiana:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ma9b2Q1j3U

Apparently Zoe Saldana can play any ethnicity you want, up to and including giant blue alien cat people. Because as our friend John Lewis reminded us on the latest episode of the Variety Society , "Being an ethnic chameleon works wonderfully on film.”

The Change-Up:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHnyW5Fvtvw

This is a great example of just how broken the minds of certain people in Hollywood are. We're supposed to believe that Jason Bateman is this regular, schlubby guy who could never, ever get with the kind of women that Ryan Reynolds gets, but somehow we're supposed to reconcile that with the fact that in this movie he's MARRIED TO LESLIE MANN! Yeah, cuz that makes a whole lot of fucking sense.

Straw Dogs:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc2WepwFcWE

Oh no, really? We did this? This has got to be the most tasteless, most misguided, most ill-conceived remake since, wait, the fuck, is that Alexander Skarsgard? Holy crap, it is. Damn it, now I have to watch this! Damn it, damn it, damn it all to hell!

Next week: "Pirates of the Caribbean 4". Yes, this is really happening. Because that particular dead horse has, apparently, not yet been beaten into fertilizer.

Summer Mockbusters: Thor

Sometimes people ask me "Why do you only do this during the summer?", although I think the more logical question would be "Why do you do this?"

The answer to the latter is because it's one of the things that helps keep the voices away, but as for the former, originally it was just because so many movies come out during the summer that I got tired of people asking me what I thought about all of them (even I get tired of bitching about "Transformers 2" on the twelfth go round), so I figured "Fuck it, I'll just write it down."

And now, well, now it's just one of those things that I do, like wearing black and sitting down to pee (what? Don't judge me, it reduces the chance for mess!). By the way, if you're wondering why I'm calling this summer when it's only the first week of May, it's because Hollywood is a lot like a guy who's a bad lay: always in a hurry to get to the good stuff.

THOR

Directed by: Kenneth Branagh (yes, really).

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Anthony Hopkins, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, and enough trolls to populate a dozen YouTube channels.

Basics:

In a shocking revelation sure to damage the credibility of your theology degree, it turns out that the one true religion is ancient Norse polytheism. Yeah, you think you're pissed, wait until we break this to the Mormons.

One day Thor goes off with is badass LARP party to beat up some trolls against Odin's say-so, so his dad cuts him off and then banishes him to...New Mexico. Whoa, harsh. Couldn't you have shown a little mercy and just sent to Helheim or, I dunno, Baghdad instead?

The Good:

Let's get one thing straight: Kenneth Branagh doesn't do subtle. Kenneth Branagh met subtle once and he made it cry, then he made it shine his shoes and fix him a sandwich. And it called him "boss" the whole time.

Branagh is like the academic equivalent of Chuck Norris; when he fences on stage, he uses a prop sword and the other guy uses a real sword, and Branagh always wins. When he recites a sonnet to a chick, she comes. And so does the sonnet.

So Branagh likes things big; big sets, big action, big emotion, and above all, big performances. "Thor" was probably the hardest mainstream comics property to translate to the screen, but clearly they found the man for the job, because what we've got here is not really a superhero movie but rather an incredibly vibrant, dynamic, lively, fun fantasy movie. The trend in genre films these days is to try to be "dark", but "Thor", the movie and character, are about as dark as the seething radioactive core of the Fukushima reactor. And thank God.

Through the left eye, Anthony Hopkins sees "The Silence of the Lambs." But through the right eye? Only "Hannibal."

For such absurd material and over-the-top execution, the movie has a rather complex emotional center; love, betrayal, pathos, angst, jealousy, catharsis, self-loathing, ambition, and insecurity all set their hooks into the characters. Everyone thinks they're acting for the greater good but realize their mistakes too late. Imagine if you were 15 again, only this time life really is as dramatic as you thought it was the first time.

Chris Hemsworth plays Thor like the captain of the football team; cocksure, ambitious, and self-satisfied, but likable enough that we genuinely want to see him become a better person. Tom Hiddleston's Loki is like the troubled, brooding loner, the guy who might go on to found a software company in twenty years or might just blow up the school in two. Anthony Hopkin's Odin is painfully aware of his own limitations but afraid to show even the smallest crack in his image as father and king.

You can't help but think that these people would communicate better if they didn't sport magical armor as casual dress and eveningwear. The finale carries real weight because tangible effort went into making you care about every character involved in the confrontation.

Oh yeah, and did I mention, there's also AN ARMY OF ICE TROLLS AND A GIANT DEMON DOG AND A MAGICAL ELECTRO-CANNON THAT SENDS YOU TO OTHER DIMENSIONS AND A GIANT FIRE-SHOOTING ROBOT AND THOR SPINS HIS HAMMER AROUND TO SUMMON A HURRICANE AND THEN-(nerdgasm nerdgasm nerdgasm nerdgasm).

Ahem. Yes. It's a, um, spirited and entertaining action romp.

Look Thor, I'm annoyed by the ostentatious baroque interior of this room too, but there's no need to get that worked up about it.

The Bad:

Most of the criticisms that people are leveling at this movie are true: the transition between the breathtaking first act in Asgard and the purgatorial second act in Bum Fuck New Mexico is jarring, the movie leans too heavily on broad humor, and an awful lot of screen time is spent laying the groundwork for another movie in ways that do not a thing to help this one.

The cast of "Thor" is phenomenal, both rookies and old hands alike, but almost no one is used to their full potential, or even half of their full potential. The women in particular feel like placeholders; Natalie Portman has very cute chemistry with Chris Hemsworth (if she ever looked at me like that...well who am I kidding, she'd be looking at the guy behind me), but the script doesn't give her much to do except flirt. Rene Russo might only be in this movie in the technical sense, the same way that certain theoretical particles in physics are assumed to exist despite scant evidence.

I'm convinced that she got pregnant just from that look alone.

Odin, let me ask you, couldn't you have banished your son to some place with more interesting scenery? Prague is nice this time of year. Pretty much anywhere except for what appears to be the whitest town in all of New Mexico. I realize that they wanted the contrast between the two worlds to be as severe as possible but, well, that's kind of the problem. Thor wants to be back in Asgard, and the audience wants to be back in Asgard too, and at some point our impatience is going to outstrip his.

And honestly, certain plot devices, particularly whatever the hell it is that gets Anthony Hopkins out of the picture for part of the movie, are about as clumsy and obvious as flying magical hammer to the face. I'll extend a certain amount of good will when it comes to this sort of thing, but only a certain amount.

The Ugly:

So let me get this straight: when you get Odin pissed off enough, he punishes you by...sending you to live with Natalie Portman?!!

Damn, talk about your limp-wristed sentencing laws! If I were an Asgardian, I'd be leaving flaming bags of dog crap on Odin's door and pissing on his lawn ornaments like five nights a week until he banished me!

Hey, hey Odin, I've got your eye patch! And you wanna guess where I'm putting it? You mad bro? You gonna banish me? Come on, hit me with the divine wrath baby, I am SO ready for this, I've been ready for that shit since 1999! If this is wrong, I don't WANNA be right!

Bottom Line:

"Thor" is just cool. To be sure, it has problems, and critics have been more than vocal about them, but if you take five pounds of shit and bury it under fifty pounds of cool, the shit really should cease to be an issue. Would be nice if it weren't there, but hey, just stop digging before you get there.

The non-fanboy crowd might not respond to it, but then again, why are non-fanboys even reading this? Honestly, I think the movie's dramatic underpinnings and the surprising integrity of the actor's performances give it a value beyond its admittedly silly (but awesome!) trappings. But then, I would, wouldn't I?

By the way, I want that cape.

Trailer Park:

Cowboys & Aliens:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH7KZD5vGBY

I'm just going to keep saying it: BEST. TITLE. EVER!

Captain America:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JerVrbLldXw

This trailer lead me to believe that if I just ran enough juice through a tanning bed I could get ripped like Cap. But as it turns out, that's actually how you get to look like the Red Skull...

Green Lantern:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-9VnAiNmL8

Well hello less-crappy "Green Lantern" trailer, how nice of you to drop by. Have you met my other friend, the crappy "Green Lantern" trailer from last year? Why don't you two get acquainted and tell me which of you I should believe?

Next week: "Priest." Because I guess it's only fair to give Jesus a chance to strut his stuff after all of this pagan Norse devilry.

Dark and Terrible Omens of Things to Come.

Okay, okay, I can handle this. There's nothing to worry about. They're just movies. Granted, last summer was...okay, let's not talk about last summer. It never happened, do you hear me, it NEVER happened. 2010 started in the second half of August. No movies came out prior to that date. That's my story and I am sticking with it.

Now it's 2011 and there's no impending Shyamalan, so we're already off to a good start. There's just a few other potential red flags that need sorting out...

May 6: Thor

Watch Scandinavian dudes get hammered!

No, wait, that's not quite right.

May 13: Priest

Have you been sitting around going "Man, you know what I miss, 'Underworld' movies,"? Wait, really? Wow. That is...that is really something. Well, I guess that means you'll like this movie but...damn man, just damn.

May 20: Pirates of the Caribbean 4

Hey, you know what they should do in this movie? They should have Mike Meyers come out dressed like Wayne Campbell and say "Schwing!" And then he should come out as Dr. Evil and ask us for "One million dollars!"

And then Arsenio Hall can do that fist pumping thing while Jeff Foxworthy explains how we might be a redneck, and then Rob Schneider will say "You can do it!" Ya know, so long as we're already trotting out old routines that absolutely don't feel dated or tired at all, might as well run the full gamut, right?

May 26: The Hangover 2

When the trailer for a sequel utters the phrase "I can't believe this happened again!" an angel loses its wings. Then becomes an alcoholic.

June 3: X-Men-First Class

Turns out, when Magneto and Professor Xavier were young they were totally gay for each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that. James McAvoy turns into Patrick Stewart when he gets old? That's a win-win formula right there.

June 10: Super 8

One part "Stand by Me", one part "Cloverfield" and one part "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", and then sprinkle just a pinch of Kyle Chandler on top and voila, you got yourself a big heaping bowl of...whatever the hell this is?

Troll Hunter

Never heard of this one? Me neither, but dig the synopsis:

"A group of students discover what they believe is a government conspiracy to keep the existence of trolls in the north of Norway hidden from the general public."

Wow. Let me just check here...yes, that story is, in fact, four shades of awesome. Possibly four and a half.

June 17: Green Lantern

Here's how this is going to work: if the movie has come out, and I'm dressed normally (insert editorial comments here), that means it's okay. On the other hand, if the movie has come out and you see me dressed in yellow, that means that it's terrible and I am, in fact, trying to repel it.

I theorize that yellow objects will not even be able to enter the theater where this is playing. In order to test this hypothesis, I will need some bananas, some dandelions, and possibly some Pac-Man.

June 24: Cars 2

Oh great, two more hours of traffic.

July 1: Transformers 3

In a stunning turn of events, Michael Bay has admitted that even he thinks the last "Transformers" movie was shit. Which kind of makes me wonder what sort of person actually likes it.

Notice the title, "Dark Side of the Moon". I guess in 2013 we can expect "Transformers: Wish You Were Here", followed by the surrealist, high-concept "Transformers: The Wall" in 2015.

July 15: Harry Potter's Last Enormous Paycheck-Part 2

It doesn't bode well for me that I have, in fact, already run out of things to say about this movie.

Winnie the Pooh

Wait, seriously? This is really and for sure an actual thing that is happening in a couple of months? You wouldn't trick me, would you? Because I don't think I could forgive you if you tricked me about this. You totally promise me this is genuine? Cross your liver? Okay, I'm going to hold you to that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must giggle like a giddy school girl.

July 22: Captain America

We all thought Chris Evans was joking when he said he was getting in character by flying out to Pakistan and hunting bin Laden. But as it turns out...

July 29: Cowboys and Aliens

I still have just one thing to say about this: BEST. TITLE. EVER!

August 5: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

I had a joke here about how Orange County Republicans bankrolled this as a documentary about the Obama administration, but then I got cold feet. See, the joke itself isn't racist, it's about how that crazy lady in Orange County refuses to acknowledge that what she did was really, really racist, and I'm just kinda...yeah, I've got no leg to stand on here.

August 12: Final Destination 5

Just when you thought it was safe go back to dropping a pencil, not picking it up, then slipping on it and falling down the stairs and landing on some boxes full of old newspapers, then bumping a bottle of lighter fluid off of a shelf when you try to stand up, then kicking a faulty electrical socket, creating the sparks that ignite the lighter fluid-drenched newspapers that you then fall back into after slipping on that exact same pencil.

August 19: Conan the Barbarian

So that's why Crate & Barrel was all out of giant piles of skulls last month. Well I'm glad you're having fun up there Conan, but let me ask you, where are the rest of us supposed to get skulls now?

There we have it. Just get through August 19th without having a breakdown or resorting to violence. If some of the movies are good, this will be relatively easy. But if this is like last year...no, no, don't think about it! Stay away from the dark side, away, away! I need Chris Nolan, where is Chris Nolan? Someone find him damn it!

May Day 2011: America Freaks Out.

A man in his fifties dies every day, but only one death could spark mass jubilation in the streets. But enough about my plan to kill Roland Emmerich.

We all had our own way of processing the news; some felt like celebrating, others were thoughtful or quietly relieved, but still many others decided to do what we Americans do best, namely, lose their pointy little minds and start talking the craziest bullshit you've ever heard.

If you'll permit me, I took the liberty of skimming the top of our big national crazy stew the other day and have archived a few of the more exuberant ingredients. While it might sound typically liberal of me to say so, Fox News really did have the highest average of lunatic rantings, not that there wasn't plenty to go around:

greenacre said:" I am still wondering about the other bosses of Al Qaeda, such as the fat doughy American who hung around with Bin Laden and that evil looking Egyptian doctor--I can't remember either one of them's names."

Well, just to be on the safe side, I called the CIA and had them add fat doughy Americans to the terror watch list. Which reminds me, some of you should probably be careful exactly what you say in phone calls and emails for a little while.

muggsmcginni said: "Obama tried for the Grand Salami to be able to get Bin Laden and Quaddaffi at the same time. Bin Laden , yes, he deserved to go down. Quaddaffi, his son and his three sons, no. There is a higher authority that will judge and meet justice to us all."

Ah yes, the Grand Salami, highest echelon of Presidential hat tricks, very similar to Taft's famous Exalted Ham, Bill Clinton's Maximum Sausage, and George Bush's Ultimate Bologna.

jonathan said: "Here goes a brave women fighting, innocent killing head of a beastly religious machine.

However, bin Laden’s case should also teach a lesson that don’t wink at Frankenstein monsters just because at a given they are on your sides"

Wait, what's Frankenstein doing with the fighting women and innocent killing heads? Run that one by me again, because I'm not winking at anything until I get some answers.

ron.chapman said: "Progressive chant: zeig heil obama!!"

Hey, he stole my chant! Buddy, that's my chant!

arabianmoondog said: "This would be a very good time for all the 'moderate' Mu slims [sic] in America - if there really are a whole bunch of them - to get out on the streets with American flags and make a *demonstration* of it."

Well I'm sure they would, but when you're Muslim in America it's just never a good idea to get too many of you in one place at one time. Hillbillies have a lot of bomb-making supplies just lying around the house most of the time, ya know.

-Mr. Hinadb said: "Do you support Industrial Hemp?"

Wait, wait, wait, let's see where he's going with this...

"No? Than [sic] your [sic] the fucking terrorist. Go do something to help save this country you tard. Learn about Industrial Hemp. Not sit there saying those who dislike a president who says Industrial Hemp is a drug are terrorist.

"Do it for yourself. FOR THE KIDS!!!!? FOR THE COUNTRY1!!!!! FOR THIS EARTH!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH­HHHHHHHH11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111­!!!

fIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!!!!! FUCK OSAMA. industrial HEMP IS NOT A DRUG!!!!"

Wow. It's a shame that hemp is not a drug, because Mr. Hinadb clearly needs to be medicated NOW.

-Simple said: "Police did a bomb drill in NY a month or so ago and why is Rahm Immanuel repositioned as Mayor of Chicago winning by the magic 51%? Why would he demote himself? Things that make you go hmmm…

FEMA doing New Madrid in mid-May? Canadian troops coming in too?"

Canada! Of course! We take our eye off of them for a mere 199 years and here they are trying to sneak in the back door!

I appreciate citing the C+C Music Factory in your conspiracy theory as well. Not nearly enough of that going around the paranoia circles these days.

-skiaalsixat35 said: "WAIT A MINUTE !

Silver down ~10% on news of Been Lying DEAD ?

Somethings Fishy !!!

You Watch !!!

No Boogeyman Al-Queda = LOW SILVER !!!!"

Sweet mother of mercy, he's right! And I just realized, I haven't sneezed ONCE since bin Laden was killed! What's the relationship between bin Laden's death and the lower rate of nasal irritants in the local atmosphere? There's GOT to be a connection!

truthknowledge said: "they want us all chipped, so they can controll [sic] all of us, everything documented. you know, i don’t really care if i’m documented, i care more about what the LAWS are they THINK i’m breaking. most importantly, the prohibition of being able to consume my own medicine / food!

who am i hurting if i drink organic raw milk, eat plants only, use medical marijuana, or even listen to 'this' type of music?

that is the key. is there a war on our spirituality?"

Well, now that we're wrapping up the war on terror, I believe we may have the resources for a war on spirituality. Possibly also on "this" type of music, depending on whether your playlist is bad enough to warrant preemptive invasion (maybe you should borrow some C+C Music Factory from the other guy?).

-dareppingNZ said: "Why? WTF does all this occult numerology/symbology really fucking mean?"

That's actually the best question anyone has asked all night, but for all the wrong reasons.

"This shit really hit me. I understand Hitlers might of never died. But THEY announced his death on May 1st. WE ALL KNOW OSAMA/USAMA EITHER DOESN'T EXIST OR WAS NOT KILLED ON THE 1ST."

But wait, if a man doesn't exist, mightn't be said to have died anytime? Or every time? Is he not, in a metaphysical sense, dying always, because those who never lived never stop ceasing to exist, and so are in a perpetual state of death-like non-life for all moments that ever were? Hang on, I need to call George Noory with this shit!

"mr obamas speech was incredible. Just as it was written! His statement has been written for probably a while now. Why do THEY treat us like this."

You want to know the real reason? It's because you masturbate. Yes, you, darrepingNZ. Your filthy urges are the root of all the evil in the world. And we judge you for it. We never stop judging you.

I would guess that the "NZ" indicates that we have a kiwi in our midst. It's so nice that other English-speaking countries are sharing in our American freak out. Gives you that great sense of universal community.

"Why the stupid fucking celebrations in D.C. Filming. Stupid fucking morons acting like fools, partying and celebrating this man/holograms death when they actually have no clue, who or what Osama/usama really is."

Personally, I think he was a small tray of lukewarm raspberry pudding. But your hologram theory shows promise too.

"The media coverage, the agenda each coverage follows, the same terms, words, sarcasm, then the bogus president, 10 years later 'I ORDERED HIS CAPTURE'. STFU. WHAT IS THE MEANING"

Well, I'm sure we'll labor for years to parse the definition of that cryptic, indecipherable phrase...

-ambler 1980 said: "May 1, 1945: Hitler confirmed dead. May 1, 2011: Bin Laden confirmed dead precisely 66 years to the day

not only that...if you add the month and the day...

May 1...

5/1...

5+1 = 6

666"

Okay, why do I get the feeling that whoever ambler1980 is, he looks something like this:

I do not grok this.

I think there might finally be too much porn on the internet. You know how I can tell? Because they've stopped trying to selling it to me in a coherent manner. They're just one step away from just leaving it out tethered to a pole like the goat in "Jurassic Park" and trusting my primal instincts to drive me toward it (which would work, by the by).

A few minutes ago I got that little bell sound that tells me I have a message. I hear this so infrequently that when it does come up I spend a panicked half second unable to place its source and worrying that I've started to have aural hallucinations like Joan of Arc (she heard church bells, not email bells, but for all I know they sound the same. I go to church even less often than I get email).

Now, the message is from no one I know, which usually means I ignore it, but I notice the topic line is, erm, interesting, to say the least:

"Martyrdom."

What in the...?

Turns out, "martyrdom" is one of those Pavlov words that's going to lead me to investigate further, no matter what the situation. Which will probably spell doom for me in the near future, but cez la vie and all that.

So I open it. And the message turns out to be:

"waterproof bequeath rightly
Wello if you want my cam is on, lets connect! take a look,i got new pics..
mental sweeping deposits utopia calibrate tadvaliditybloodless."

...boy, don't you just hate it when mental sweeping deposits utopia? I know I do.

I guess I can call this communication, in that a meaning is both present and discernable; they want me to click the link, which I assume leads to a porn site. Or a virus. Or both. Probably both. This is the internet, after all. If more than one type of bad shit can be layered onto a single link, it will be. That link will probably even set my house on fire, somehow. But either way, in the broadest possible sense, this email has delivered a message to me.

But you know what? I think I'm going to have to disqualify them just on general principle. Like I said, I don't expect much from internet porn spam, in fact, up until now I would have said that I expect nothing from internet porn spam (except maybe porn, but even then I wouldn't really mind if they left it out).

But it turns out that I would have been wrong. Because I do have expectations, in fact, I have an exhaustive rubric that includes such elements as:

1. Sentences!

2. A definable relationship between at least one word in each line and at least one other word in that same line.

3. That whatever order your words are in, that they at least be actual words ("Wello?").

4. If you do resort to gibberish, at least break it up with the occasional space between words. What the hell is a tadvaliditybloodless?

5. That your subject line have something to do with whatever you're pushing. "Martyrdom", really? I mean, granted, it worked, but that doesn't make it right.

This has to be some effort to get around spam filters, or else someone was translating out of another language using the HAL-9000 version of Babel Fish. Because otherwise it means that someone has actually managed to fuck up delivering a message as rudimentary as "Hey look at this naked chick!"

But at least we can all sleep soundly knowing that waterproof bequeath rightly. Yes, it bequeaths rightly indeed.

I feel like I should send a reply. How does "Ultimate noodle the standardizing velocity mitigates" sound? Maybe too forward?