A man in his fifties dies every day, but only one death could spark mass jubilation in the streets. But enough about my plan to kill Roland Emmerich.
We all had our own way of processing the news; some felt like celebrating, others were thoughtful or quietly relieved, but still many others decided to do what we Americans do best, namely, lose their pointy little minds and start talking the craziest bullshit you've ever heard.
If you'll permit me, I took the liberty of skimming the top of our big national crazy stew the other day and have archived a few of the more exuberant ingredients. While it might sound typically liberal of me to say so, Fox News really did have the highest average of lunatic rantings, not that there wasn't plenty to go around:
greenacre said:" I am still wondering about the other bosses of Al Qaeda, such as the fat doughy American who hung around with Bin Laden and that evil looking Egyptian doctor--I can't remember either one of them's names."
Well, just to be on the safe side, I called the CIA and had them add fat doughy Americans to the terror watch list. Which reminds me, some of you should probably be careful exactly what you say in phone calls and emails for a little while.
muggsmcginni said: "Obama tried for the Grand Salami to be able to get Bin Laden and Quaddaffi at the same time. Bin Laden , yes, he deserved to go down. Quaddaffi, his son and his three sons, no. There is a higher authority that will judge and meet justice to us all."
Ah yes, the Grand Salami, highest echelon of Presidential hat tricks, very similar to Taft's famous Exalted Ham, Bill Clinton's Maximum Sausage, and George Bush's Ultimate Bologna.
jonathan said: "Here goes a brave women fighting, innocent killing head of a beastly religious machine.
However, bin Laden’s case should also teach a lesson that don’t wink at Frankenstein monsters just because at a given they are on your sides"
Wait, what's Frankenstein doing with the fighting women and innocent killing heads? Run that one by me again, because I'm not winking at anything until I get some answers.
ron.chapman said: "Progressive chant: zeig heil obama!!"
Hey, he stole my chant! Buddy, that's my chant!
arabianmoondog said: "This would be a very good time for all the 'moderate' Mu slims [sic] in America - if there really are a whole bunch of them - to get out on the streets with American flags and make a *demonstration* of it."
Well I'm sure they would, but when you're Muslim in America it's just never a good idea to get too many of you in one place at one time. Hillbillies have a lot of bomb-making supplies just lying around the house most of the time, ya know.
-Mr. Hinadb said: "Do you support Industrial Hemp?"
Wait, wait, wait, let's see where he's going with this...
"No? Than [sic] your [sic] the fucking terrorist. Go do something to help save this country you tard. Learn about Industrial Hemp. Not sit there saying those who dislike a president who says Industrial Hemp is a drug are terrorist.
"Do it for yourself. FOR THE KIDS!!!!? FOR THE COUNTRY1!!!!! FOR THIS EARTH!!!!!!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH11!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111!!!
fIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT!!!!! FUCK OSAMA. industrial HEMP IS NOT A DRUG!!!!"
Wow. It's a shame that hemp is not a drug, because Mr. Hinadb clearly needs to be medicated NOW.
-Simple said: "Police did a bomb drill in NY a month or so ago and why is Rahm Immanuel repositioned as Mayor of Chicago winning by the magic 51%? Why would he demote himself? Things that make you go hmmm…
FEMA doing New Madrid in mid-May? Canadian troops coming in too?"
Canada! Of course! We take our eye off of them for a mere 199 years and here they are trying to sneak in the back door!
I appreciate citing the C+C Music Factory in your conspiracy theory as well. Not nearly enough of that going around the paranoia circles these days.
-skiaalsixat35 said: "WAIT A MINUTE !
Silver down ~10% on news of Been Lying DEAD ?
Somethings Fishy !!!
You Watch !!!
No Boogeyman Al-Queda = LOW SILVER !!!!"
Sweet mother of mercy, he's right! And I just realized, I haven't sneezed ONCE since bin Laden was killed! What's the relationship between bin Laden's death and the lower rate of nasal irritants in the local atmosphere? There's GOT to be a connection!
truthknowledge said: "they want us all chipped, so they can controll [sic] all of us, everything documented. you know, i don’t really care if i’m documented, i care more about what the LAWS are they THINK i’m breaking. most importantly, the prohibition of being able to consume my own medicine / food!
who am i hurting if i drink organic raw milk, eat plants only, use medical marijuana, or even listen to 'this' type of music?
that is the key. is there a war on our spirituality?"
Well, now that we're wrapping up the war on terror, I believe we may have the resources for a war on spirituality. Possibly also on "this" type of music, depending on whether your playlist is bad enough to warrant preemptive invasion (maybe you should borrow some C+C Music Factory from the other guy?).
-dareppingNZ said: "Why? WTF does all this occult numerology/symbology really fucking mean?"
That's actually the best question anyone has asked all night, but for all the wrong reasons.
"This shit really hit me. I understand Hitlers might of never died. But THEY announced his death on May 1st. WE ALL KNOW OSAMA/USAMA EITHER DOESN'T EXIST OR WAS NOT KILLED ON THE 1ST."
But wait, if a man doesn't exist, mightn't be said to have died anytime? Or every time? Is he not, in a metaphysical sense, dying always, because those who never lived never stop ceasing to exist, and so are in a perpetual state of death-like non-life for all moments that ever were? Hang on, I need to call George Noory with this shit!
"mr obamas speech was incredible. Just as it was written! His statement has been written for probably a while now. Why do THEY treat us like this."
You want to know the real reason? It's because you masturbate. Yes, you, darrepingNZ. Your filthy urges are the root of all the evil in the world. And we judge you for it. We never stop judging you.
I would guess that the "NZ" indicates that we have a kiwi in our midst. It's so nice that other English-speaking countries are sharing in our American freak out. Gives you that great sense of universal community.
"Why the stupid fucking celebrations in D.C. Filming. Stupid fucking morons acting like fools, partying and celebrating this man/holograms death when they actually have no clue, who or what Osama/usama really is."
Personally, I think he was a small tray of lukewarm raspberry pudding. But your hologram theory shows promise too.
"The media coverage, the agenda each coverage follows, the same terms, words, sarcasm, then the bogus president, 10 years later 'I ORDERED HIS CAPTURE'. STFU. WHAT IS THE MEANING"
Well, I'm sure we'll labor for years to parse the definition of that cryptic, indecipherable phrase...
-ambler 1980 said: "May 1, 1945: Hitler confirmed dead. May 1, 2011: Bin Laden confirmed dead precisely 66 years to the day
not only that...if you add the month and the day...
May 1...
5/1...
5+1 = 6
666"
Okay, why do I get the feeling that whoever ambler1980 is, he looks something like this:
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