Virtually Tone-Deaf.

We all know how it is; every few months some pundit with too little to do releases a press blurb about the dangers of violent video games. Take the thoughtful words of Helga LaRouche as an example:

"Video games were identified and exposed as what they really are: 'killing simulators' that are used to produce shooters on 'automatic pilot.'"

"The video game industry [commits] mental genocide, or 'menticide,' in both brainwashing young people with a cult of violence, and also training them to kill at the same time."

"Don't worry about guns, because Pokémon-trained kids will kill you with fire, lightning, electricity, or anything else."

So then with Helga's recommendation in mind, you go out and buy the game she's talking about, and then you get pissed, because it's nothing like she said! Where is the remorseless, murder-inducing killing simulator you paid for?

Well that's all over now, because here at SoftTarget, we've created a new gaming franchise that will finally provide the instructive violence that you've been missing!

Introducing: "Murder Death: the Game That Teaches Children to Kill", or MDGTTCK for short (just rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?).

ProTip: Remember kids, not only is dismemberment a fun hobby, it ensures that no one can escape you by playing possum!

Here at SoftTarget, we understand that violent media doesn't make children violent, and that's why we game developers really need to step up our efforts to change that. Teenage homicide rates in the first world are way, way below even the most conservative projections made by industry pioneers back in the 80s.

Sure, we can hardly be blamed for being distracted by the truckloads of money we've been making, but I think too many in our field have lost sight of what our real bottom line is: promoting actual violence in as direct a manner as possible. That's why we've worked as hard as we have to make MDGTTCK dangerous to society's moral fiber. Playing MDGTTCK isn't exactly the same as committing real crimes; it's slightly more fun!

The player begins at level one: "BECOME DEATH, DESTROYER OF WORLDS!"

First, our patented PREDATOR subprogram will use the detailed personal information that the child provided us with as prerequisite for playing the game to check all relevant databases to see if either parent or legal guardian is a registered gun owner.

Next the game will furnish the child with information about the gun's make and model along with helpful hints for stealing it without getting caught. In absence of a gun in the house, the game will instead direct the child to the nearest gun show and/or NRA office. Non-American children will be encouraged to move.

ProTip: If you find yourself still able to distinguish fantasy from reality, try cutting yourself off from the latter.

Google Maps will be used to generate a level that matches the appearance of the child's own residential street for the game's inaugural massacre. Our advanced software simulates the actual specs and behavior of the gun we've helped the child acquire, so that he can get a feel for what to expect when he really pulls the trigger.

Helpful lessons in human anatomy will appear in the tutorial window, along with tips from experts, such as: "Aim for the center body mass and confirm two hits before moving on," and "Mercy is for the weak; practice on small animals first to dull your sense of empathy and compassion."

Once the game has instructed the child on the basic mechanics of homicide, it's time for level two: "BE LIKE THOSE KIDS FROM THE 90s!"

Since the Columbine high school massacre was so long ago that most young people today would probably never have heard about it if not for frequent references from would-be moral guardians like LaRouche, first an informative cinematic sequence will educate them about their new role models, accompanied by the most vulgar and immoral Satanic 90s rock music that can be pirated.

Next PREDATOR will access the floorplan and layout of the child's actual school and generate a level map that imitates it as closely as possible (the child is encouraged to feed the game photographic images of the school and/or classmates to help make the game environment more immersive).

ProTip: Remember kids, everyone is your enemy. Trust no one. They are demons in disguise.

The on-screen tutorial will teach the player how to tailor acts of violence to create the biggest media sensation possible, with insights like: "Convince your parents to move you to a middle class school with lots of white kids; inner city school violence never kicks off Congressional hearings", and "Remember, this IS a competition; no one remembers any of those shootings where fewer people died."

Kids are in for a real treat with level three: "KILL HELGA LAROUCHE!"

Yes, we've really outdone ourselves this time. This level is based on the LaRouche family's real home, complete with full address and the multiple weaknesses of their actual security system, and the bedrooms of each family member labeled. Be sure to patch frequently so that we can continue to keep you up to date on the LaRouches' present whereabouts.

ProTip: The remaining parent will probably force you to clean that bathtub. Better make it both.

Finally, the game caps off with the final stage: "GOD IS DEAD, ALL HAIL THE NEW DARK MASTER!"

With law enforcement closing in, it seems that bloody martyrdom is the only possible end for our player, unless of course they turn to the one and only true path for salvation: Satan!

Onscreen instructions from Harry Potter will teach the child how to invoke the Dark Father and barter their immortal soul for the power to crush all enemies under their heel. Successfully completely the built-in Satanism simulator will trigger a flash sequence that projects the entirety of the Necronomicon onto the child's cornea for 1/98th of a second, burning its unspeakable revelations into the child's subconscious and assuring the swift retardation of all complex emotions and higher thought!

And now, a word from our legal department:

Electronic games sometimes contain mature, adult-oriented content not suitable for children. That's why we work extra hard to make sure kids can still get their grubby little hands on them.

Electronic games are meant to be a form of entertainment and do not promote actual acts of violence. Except for our games. We are the sworn enemies of Jesus and all that is good and decent in the world.

Know-it-alls like Jack Thompson and LaRouche PAC tried to warn you, but our treasonous commie allies in the media already poisoned the well ahead of time. Now your childrens' fragile psyches are mere playthings in our Godless hands, as we reprogram them one by one to hate you and themselves with a hate that is equal parts destructive and self-destructive.

Well that's a good start, but now try turning ninety degrees toward each other.

Brought to you by SoftTarget: Building a better yesterday (by comparison).