I think there might finally be too much porn on the internet. You know how I can tell? Because they've stopped trying to selling it to me in a coherent manner. They're just one step away from just leaving it out tethered to a pole like the goat in "Jurassic Park" and trusting my primal instincts to drive me toward it (which would work, by the by).
A few minutes ago I got that little bell sound that tells me I have a message. I hear this so infrequently that when it does come up I spend a panicked half second unable to place its source and worrying that I've started to have aural hallucinations like Joan of Arc (she heard church bells, not email bells, but for all I know they sound the same. I go to church even less often than I get email).
Now, the message is from no one I know, which usually means I ignore it, but I notice the topic line is, erm, interesting, to say the least:
"Martyrdom."
What in the...?
Turns out, "martyrdom" is one of those Pavlov words that's going to lead me to investigate further, no matter what the situation. Which will probably spell doom for me in the near future, but cez la vie and all that.
So I open it. And the message turns out to be:
"waterproof bequeath rightly
Wello if you want my cam is on, lets connect! take a look,i got new pics..
mental sweeping deposits utopia calibrate tadvaliditybloodless."
...boy, don't you just hate it when mental sweeping deposits utopia? I know I do.
I guess I can call this communication, in that a meaning is both present and discernable; they want me to click the link, which I assume leads to a porn site. Or a virus. Or both. Probably both. This is the internet, after all. If more than one type of bad shit can be layered onto a single link, it will be. That link will probably even set my house on fire, somehow. But either way, in the broadest possible sense, this email has delivered a message to me.
But you know what? I think I'm going to have to disqualify them just on general principle. Like I said, I don't expect much from internet porn spam, in fact, up until now I would have said that I expect nothing from internet porn spam (except maybe porn, but even then I wouldn't really mind if they left it out).
But it turns out that I would have been wrong. Because I do have expectations, in fact, I have an exhaustive rubric that includes such elements as:
1. Sentences!
2. A definable relationship between at least one word in each line and at least one other word in that same line.
3. That whatever order your words are in, that they at least be actual words ("Wello?").
4. If you do resort to gibberish, at least break it up with the occasional space between words. What the hell is a tadvaliditybloodless?
5. That your subject line have something to do with whatever you're pushing. "Martyrdom", really? I mean, granted, it worked, but that doesn't make it right.
This has to be some effort to get around spam filters, or else someone was translating out of another language using the HAL-9000 version of Babel Fish. Because otherwise it means that someone has actually managed to fuck up delivering a message as rudimentary as "Hey look at this naked chick!"
But at least we can all sleep soundly knowing that waterproof bequeath rightly. Yes, it bequeaths rightly indeed.
I feel like I should send a reply. How does "Ultimate noodle the standardizing velocity mitigates" sound? Maybe too forward?
A few minutes ago I got that little bell sound that tells me I have a message. I hear this so infrequently that when it does come up I spend a panicked half second unable to place its source and worrying that I've started to have aural hallucinations like Joan of Arc (she heard church bells, not email bells, but for all I know they sound the same. I go to church even less often than I get email).
Now, the message is from no one I know, which usually means I ignore it, but I notice the topic line is, erm, interesting, to say the least:
"Martyrdom."
What in the...?
Turns out, "martyrdom" is one of those Pavlov words that's going to lead me to investigate further, no matter what the situation. Which will probably spell doom for me in the near future, but cez la vie and all that.
So I open it. And the message turns out to be:
"waterproof bequeath rightly
Wello if you want my cam is on, lets connect! take a look,i got new pics..
mental sweeping deposits utopia calibrate tadvaliditybloodless."
...boy, don't you just hate it when mental sweeping deposits utopia? I know I do.
I guess I can call this communication, in that a meaning is both present and discernable; they want me to click the link, which I assume leads to a porn site. Or a virus. Or both. Probably both. This is the internet, after all. If more than one type of bad shit can be layered onto a single link, it will be. That link will probably even set my house on fire, somehow. But either way, in the broadest possible sense, this email has delivered a message to me.
But you know what? I think I'm going to have to disqualify them just on general principle. Like I said, I don't expect much from internet porn spam, in fact, up until now I would have said that I expect nothing from internet porn spam (except maybe porn, but even then I wouldn't really mind if they left it out).
But it turns out that I would have been wrong. Because I do have expectations, in fact, I have an exhaustive rubric that includes such elements as:
1. Sentences!
2. A definable relationship between at least one word in each line and at least one other word in that same line.
3. That whatever order your words are in, that they at least be actual words ("Wello?").
4. If you do resort to gibberish, at least break it up with the occasional space between words. What the hell is a tadvaliditybloodless?
5. That your subject line have something to do with whatever you're pushing. "Martyrdom", really? I mean, granted, it worked, but that doesn't make it right.
This has to be some effort to get around spam filters, or else someone was translating out of another language using the HAL-9000 version of Babel Fish. Because otherwise it means that someone has actually managed to fuck up delivering a message as rudimentary as "Hey look at this naked chick!"
But at least we can all sleep soundly knowing that waterproof bequeath rightly. Yes, it bequeaths rightly indeed.
I feel like I should send a reply. How does "Ultimate noodle the standardizing velocity mitigates" sound? Maybe too forward?
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