The crazy thing is that I really hate ostentatious internet nerds who go around "reviewing" things left and right. Why then am I still doing this? Well, the answer is that I'm an incredible snob and I assume that whatever use I'm putting social media to, it's just plain better than everyone else's. I'm even considering launching my own version of YouTube called "MeTube". It's like YouTube, but without everyone else's crap cluttering it up.
Anyway, this week's movie is "Priest". Why in the name of sweet Valhalla did I go to see "Priest"? Because it was this or a movie called "Bridesmaids." Or, ya know, just stay home, but fuck that noise.
Priest
Directed by: The guy who did "Legion" (oh man, this is gonna go down hard...).
Starring: Tony Starke's computer, Paul Walker's doppelganger from "Burlesque", Young DeForest Kelley, and oh Maggie Q, I like the way you walk, I like the way you talk, Maggie Q.
Basics:
The world is overrun with vampires and it's up to Ethan Hawke to discover the cure. No, wait, that was "Daybreakers".
This movie is about Denzel Washington wandering a post-apocalyptic wasteland with the last Bible in the world. Um, no, wait, that was "Book of Eli".
Actually, this is the one where Josh Brolin has a scarred face and John Malkovich breaks the universe by somehow overacting and underacting at the same time. No, no, I'm thinking of "Jonah Hex".
Odd, I can't seem to distinguish this movie from a half dozen vaguely similar movies I saw last year. Hang on, I'm sure it'll all come back to me, just give me a second.
The Good:
There was a time when you could genre-type a movie with one or two words: horror, western, action drama, etc. These days, you can throw ten words onto even a simple film, in this case, a post-apocalyptic sci fi western horror action kung fu flick.
Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, there's something undeniably appealing on an elemental level about a movie where Paul Bettany is a ninja assassin priest who fights vampires in a radioactive wasteland. It's kind of like pizza or a handjob: even when it's bad, it's still kinda good.
I would even go so far as to say that visually, it's an accomplishment, with simple but dynamic, high contrast imagery and minimalist cinematography that-wait, you're still kinda weirded out that I compared it to pizza and a handjob, aren't you? Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, I would go back and delete it but that key is broken. If it's any consolation, I feel a deep and abiding shame.
Oh, did I mention Maggie Q is in this movie? Oh Maggie Q, you say you'll be true, you say that you'll be mine, baby all the time, oh Maggie Q. Whoa, sorry, I went to a Creedance place there for a minute, that happens sometimes.
Actually, “Priest” has a remarkably good cast all around. Sometimes I think that studios just store Christopher Plummer in closet somewhere and any movie that has room can take him out, dust him off, give him coffee and wardrobe, and boom, he's cast.
The Bad:
Was anyone really looking forward to this?
Okay, anyone else? Show of hands? Anybody? No? Okay, then you don't need me to tell you that "Priest" is stupid. It's exactly as stupid as you think it is.
Whereas a movie like last week's "Thor" is stupid in a clever, self-effacing, tongue in cheek way, "Priest" plays the stupid elements completely straight. "Priest" is the non-ironic emo kid in your class, the one who lives the gimmick with tunnel vision.
For example, I can say without hyperbole that "Priest" contains the single dumbest stunt I've ever seen. Picture this: Maggie Q throws two rocks into the air (now picture Maggie Q throwing rocks into the air in slow motion...in a swimsuit...and heels...hang on, the Creedance is coming back, give me a second), then Paul Bettany jumps into the air, "lands" on the rocks while they're still airborne, and then (wait for it) jumps off of them to get more height. Like this was Super Mario Bros and he's jumping off of those magical floating blocks.
No, just no.
I'm actually starting to forget that Paul Bettany is a good actor. In fact, I think he's forgetting it too. The man has got some kind of talent amnesia. I think he got hit on the head, woke up thinking that he was Stuart Townshend, and has been letting himself get cast accordingly every since.
Bettany seems to be getting typecast as the religious guy who kills a lot of people, which is such a strange character niche to fall into I can't imagine it was entirely accidental.
And then there's Cam Gigandet. Yes, that's a real name, but if you at first thought it was two rejected names for web browsers put side by side I wouldn't blame you. Maybe it's immature to be picking on an actor's funny name, but believe me, if that's the worst feedback he gets after this movie, he should kiss my fucking hand.
Let me ask you, is there such a thing as an anti-Oscar? Like, an award made out of anti-matter from the Bizarro dimension that will cancel out an equivalent future Oscar, should the bearer of the anti-Oscar ever receive one? If not, I would first like to propose such a thing, and then I would like to nominate Gigandet for one. Maybe two, if we also hold "The Unborn" against him.
And it really feels like we ought to.
The Ugly:
You notice that throwing ninja stars in slow motion has become a hallmark of a certain breed of shitty action movie over the last ten years?
I'd like to see a movie where Kate Beckinsale, Rain, Colin Farrell, and Paul Bettany spend 90 minutes jumping through the air in slow motion and throwing ninja stars at each other. And the winner will face Lucy Liu, who has probably done more slow motion ninja star-throwing movies than most equivalent actors have done movies, ever.
Bottom Line:
I could almost recommend "Priest" as a late night rental or Instant Watch pick. Ya know, the kind of movie you watch when your only alternatives are getting drunk alone or going to bed at nine o'clock (or in my case, spilling 1500 words on this crap).
Because there are, in fact, the shades of a cool movie here. Karl Urban and Paul Bettany kung fu fight on top of a moving train full of vampires, you can't tell me that doesn't sound at least a little cool, right?
Well, it's not. "Priest" is just too dumb to even be good in an ironic way. It's so dumb it could be Miss Teen USA South Carolina. I'd honestly recommend "Bridesmaids" over this. I didn't see "Bridesmaids", but I think I probably should have. If there's even one laugh line in it, then it's a better use of your time.
Trailer Park:
Colombiana:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ma9b2Q1j3U
Apparently Zoe Saldana can play any ethnicity you want, up to and including giant blue alien cat people. Because as our friend John Lewis reminded us on the latest episode of the Variety Society , "Being an ethnic chameleon works wonderfully on film.”
The Change-Up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHnyW5Fvtvw
This is a great example of just how broken the minds of certain people in Hollywood are. We're supposed to believe that Jason Bateman is this regular, schlubby guy who could never, ever get with the kind of women that Ryan Reynolds gets, but somehow we're supposed to reconcile that with the fact that in this movie he's MARRIED TO LESLIE MANN! Yeah, cuz that makes a whole lot of fucking sense.
Straw Dogs:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jc2WepwFcWE
Oh no, really? We did this? This has got to be the most tasteless, most misguided, most ill-conceived remake since, wait, the fuck, is that Alexander Skarsgard? Holy crap, it is. Damn it, now I have to watch this! Damn it, damn it, damn it all to hell!
Next week: "Pirates of the Caribbean 4". Yes, this is really happening. Because that particular dead horse has, apparently, not yet been beaten into fertilizer.
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