Okay, okay, I can handle this. There's nothing to worry about. They're just movies. Granted, last summer was...okay, let's not talk about last summer. It never happened, do you hear me, it NEVER happened. 2010 started in the second half of August. No movies came out prior to that date. That's my story and I am sticking with it.
Now it's 2011 and there's no impending Shyamalan, so we're already off to a good start. There's just a few other potential red flags that need sorting out...
May 6: Thor
Watch Scandinavian dudes get hammered!
No, wait, that's not quite right.
May 13: Priest
Have you been sitting around going "Man, you know what I miss, 'Underworld' movies,"? Wait, really? Wow. That is...that is really something. Well, I guess that means you'll like this movie but...damn man, just damn.
May 20: Pirates of the Caribbean 4
Hey, you know what they should do in this movie? They should have Mike Meyers come out dressed like Wayne Campbell and say "Schwing!" And then he should come out as Dr. Evil and ask us for "One million dollars!"
And then Arsenio Hall can do that fist pumping thing while Jeff Foxworthy explains how we might be a redneck, and then Rob Schneider will say "You can do it!" Ya know, so long as we're already trotting out old routines that absolutely don't feel dated or tired at all, might as well run the full gamut, right?
May 26: The Hangover 2
When the trailer for a sequel utters the phrase "I can't believe this happened again!" an angel loses its wings. Then becomes an alcoholic.
June 3: X-Men-First Class
Turns out, when Magneto and Professor Xavier were young they were totally gay for each other. Not that there's anything wrong with that. James McAvoy turns into Patrick Stewart when he gets old? That's a win-win formula right there.
June 10: Super 8
One part "Stand by Me", one part "Cloverfield" and one part "Close Encounters of the Third Kind", and then sprinkle just a pinch of Kyle Chandler on top and voila, you got yourself a big heaping bowl of...whatever the hell this is?
Troll Hunter
Never heard of this one? Me neither, but dig the synopsis:
"A group of students discover what they believe is a government conspiracy to keep the existence of trolls in the north of Norway hidden from the general public."
Wow. Let me just check here...yes, that story is, in fact, four shades of awesome. Possibly four and a half.
June 17: Green Lantern
Here's how this is going to work: if the movie has come out, and I'm dressed normally (insert editorial comments here), that means it's okay. On the other hand, if the movie has come out and you see me dressed in yellow, that means that it's terrible and I am, in fact, trying to repel it.
I theorize that yellow objects will not even be able to enter the theater where this is playing. In order to test this hypothesis, I will need some bananas, some dandelions, and possibly some Pac-Man.
June 24: Cars 2
Oh great, two more hours of traffic.
July 1: Transformers 3
In a stunning turn of events, Michael Bay has admitted that even he thinks the last "Transformers" movie was shit. Which kind of makes me wonder what sort of person actually likes it.
Notice the title, "Dark Side of the Moon". I guess in 2013 we can expect "Transformers: Wish You Were Here", followed by the surrealist, high-concept "Transformers: The Wall" in 2015.
July 15: Harry Potter's Last Enormous Paycheck-Part 2
It doesn't bode well for me that I have, in fact, already run out of things to say about this movie.
Winnie the Pooh
Wait, seriously? This is really and for sure an actual thing that is happening in a couple of months? You wouldn't trick me, would you? Because I don't think I could forgive you if you tricked me about this. You totally promise me this is genuine? Cross your liver? Okay, I'm going to hold you to that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must giggle like a giddy school girl.
July 22: Captain America
We all thought Chris Evans was joking when he said he was getting in character by flying out to Pakistan and hunting bin Laden. But as it turns out...
July 29: Cowboys and Aliens
I still have just one thing to say about this: BEST. TITLE. EVER!
August 5: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
I had a joke here about how Orange County Republicans bankrolled this as a documentary about the Obama administration, but then I got cold feet. See, the joke itself isn't racist, it's about how that crazy lady in Orange County refuses to acknowledge that what she did was really, really racist, and I'm just kinda...yeah, I've got no leg to stand on here.
August 12: Final Destination 5
Just when you thought it was safe go back to dropping a pencil, not picking it up, then slipping on it and falling down the stairs and landing on some boxes full of old newspapers, then bumping a bottle of lighter fluid off of a shelf when you try to stand up, then kicking a faulty electrical socket, creating the sparks that ignite the lighter fluid-drenched newspapers that you then fall back into after slipping on that exact same pencil.
August 19: Conan the Barbarian
So that's why Crate & Barrel was all out of giant piles of skulls last month. Well I'm glad you're having fun up there Conan, but let me ask you, where are the rest of us supposed to get skulls now?
There we have it. Just get through August 19th without having a breakdown or resorting to violence. If some of the movies are good, this will be relatively easy. But if this is like last year...no, no, don't think about it! Stay away from the dark side, away, away! I need Chris Nolan, where is Chris Nolan? Someone find him damn it!
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