Sometimes people ask me "Why do you only do this during the summer?", although I think the more logical question would be "Why do you do this?"
The answer to the latter is because it's one of the things that helps keep the voices away, but as for the former, originally it was just because so many movies come out during the summer that I got tired of people asking me what I thought about all of them (even I get tired of bitching about "Transformers 2" on the twelfth go round), so I figured "Fuck it, I'll just write it down."
And now, well, now it's just one of those things that I do, like wearing black and sitting down to pee (what? Don't judge me, it reduces the chance for mess!). By the way, if you're wondering why I'm calling this summer when it's only the first week of May, it's because Hollywood is a lot like a guy who's a bad lay: always in a hurry to get to the good stuff.
THOR
Directed by: Kenneth Branagh (yes, really).
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Anthony Hopkins, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, and enough trolls to populate a dozen YouTube channels.
Basics:
In a shocking revelation sure to damage the credibility of your theology degree, it turns out that the one true religion is ancient Norse polytheism. Yeah, you think you're pissed, wait until we break this to the Mormons.
One day Thor goes off with is badass LARP party to beat up some trolls against Odin's say-so, so his dad cuts him off and then banishes him to...New Mexico. Whoa, harsh. Couldn't you have shown a little mercy and just sent to Helheim or, I dunno, Baghdad instead?
The Good:
Let's get one thing straight: Kenneth Branagh doesn't do subtle. Kenneth Branagh met subtle once and he made it cry, then he made it shine his shoes and fix him a sandwich. And it called him "boss" the whole time.
Branagh is like the academic equivalent of Chuck Norris; when he fences on stage, he uses a prop sword and the other guy uses a real sword, and Branagh always wins. When he recites a sonnet to a chick, she comes. And so does the sonnet.
So Branagh likes things big; big sets, big action, big emotion, and above all, big performances. "Thor" was probably the hardest mainstream comics property to translate to the screen, but clearly they found the man for the job, because what we've got here is not really a superhero movie but rather an incredibly vibrant, dynamic, lively, fun fantasy movie. The trend in genre films these days is to try to be "dark", but "Thor", the movie and character, are about as dark as the seething radioactive core of the Fukushima reactor. And thank God.
For such absurd material and over-the-top execution, the movie has a rather complex emotional center; love, betrayal, pathos, angst, jealousy, catharsis, self-loathing, ambition, and insecurity all set their hooks into the characters. Everyone thinks they're acting for the greater good but realize their mistakes too late. Imagine if you were 15 again, only this time life really is as dramatic as you thought it was the first time.
Chris Hemsworth plays Thor like the captain of the football team; cocksure, ambitious, and self-satisfied, but likable enough that we genuinely want to see him become a better person. Tom Hiddleston's Loki is like the troubled, brooding loner, the guy who might go on to found a software company in twenty years or might just blow up the school in two. Anthony Hopkin's Odin is painfully aware of his own limitations but afraid to show even the smallest crack in his image as father and king.
You can't help but think that these people would communicate better if they didn't sport magical armor as casual dress and eveningwear. The finale carries real weight because tangible effort went into making you care about every character involved in the confrontation.
Oh yeah, and did I mention, there's also AN ARMY OF ICE TROLLS AND A GIANT DEMON DOG AND A MAGICAL ELECTRO-CANNON THAT SENDS YOU TO OTHER DIMENSIONS AND A GIANT FIRE-SHOOTING ROBOT AND THOR SPINS HIS HAMMER AROUND TO SUMMON A HURRICANE AND THEN-(nerdgasm nerdgasm nerdgasm nerdgasm).
Ahem. Yes. It's a, um, spirited and entertaining action romp.
The Bad:
Most of the criticisms that people are leveling at this movie are true: the transition between the breathtaking first act in Asgard and the purgatorial second act in Bum Fuck New Mexico is jarring, the movie leans too heavily on broad humor, and an awful lot of screen time is spent laying the groundwork for another movie in ways that do not a thing to help this one.
The cast of "Thor" is phenomenal, both rookies and old hands alike, but almost no one is used to their full potential, or even half of their full potential. The women in particular feel like placeholders; Natalie Portman has very cute chemistry with Chris Hemsworth (if she ever looked at me like that...well who am I kidding, she'd be looking at the guy behind me), but the script doesn't give her much to do except flirt. Rene Russo might only be in this movie in the technical sense, the same way that certain theoretical particles in physics are assumed to exist despite scant evidence.
Odin, let me ask you, couldn't you have banished your son to some place with more interesting scenery? Prague is nice this time of year. Pretty much anywhere except for what appears to be the whitest town in all of New Mexico. I realize that they wanted the contrast between the two worlds to be as severe as possible but, well, that's kind of the problem. Thor wants to be back in Asgard, and the audience wants to be back in Asgard too, and at some point our impatience is going to outstrip his.
And honestly, certain plot devices, particularly whatever the hell it is that gets Anthony Hopkins out of the picture for part of the movie, are about as clumsy and obvious as flying magical hammer to the face. I'll extend a certain amount of good will when it comes to this sort of thing, but only a certain amount.
The Ugly:
So let me get this straight: when you get Odin pissed off enough, he punishes you by...sending you to live with Natalie Portman?!!
Damn, talk about your limp-wristed sentencing laws! If I were an Asgardian, I'd be leaving flaming bags of dog crap on Odin's door and pissing on his lawn ornaments like five nights a week until he banished me!
Hey, hey Odin, I've got your eye patch! And you wanna guess where I'm putting it? You mad bro? You gonna banish me? Come on, hit me with the divine wrath baby, I am SO ready for this, I've been ready for that shit since 1999! If this is wrong, I don't WANNA be right!
Bottom Line:
"Thor" is just cool. To be sure, it has problems, and critics have been more than vocal about them, but if you take five pounds of shit and bury it under fifty pounds of cool, the shit really should cease to be an issue. Would be nice if it weren't there, but hey, just stop digging before you get there.
The non-fanboy crowd might not respond to it, but then again, why are non-fanboys even reading this? Honestly, I think the movie's dramatic underpinnings and the surprising integrity of the actor's performances give it a value beyond its admittedly silly (but awesome!) trappings. But then, I would, wouldn't I?
By the way, I want that cape.
Trailer Park:
Cowboys & Aliens:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zH7KZD5vGBY
I'm just going to keep saying it: BEST. TITLE. EVER!
Captain America:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JerVrbLldXw
This trailer lead me to believe that if I just ran enough juice through a tanning bed I could get ripped like Cap. But as it turns out, that's actually how you get to look like the Red Skull...
Green Lantern:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-9VnAiNmL8
Well hello less-crappy "Green Lantern" trailer, how nice of you to drop by. Have you met my other friend, the crappy "Green Lantern" trailer from last year? Why don't you two get acquainted and tell me which of you I should believe?
Next week: "Priest." Because I guess it's only fair to give Jesus a chance to strut his stuff after all of this pagan Norse devilry.
No comments:
Post a Comment